Events

I'm really looking forward to this weekend. I get to attend A's bridal shower Saturday afternoon and then N&A's party Saturday evening. They are really good friends to have because both of them are so sweet and giving. It's really exciting to think that they're getting married in two and a half weeks. C is in the wedding party, so we get to head to western Kansas early and hang out with all of the special people.

I'm going to start dress shopping this weekend, both for N&A's wedding and T&K's coming up in May. I wonder if there is an Anthropologie in this area. Life's going okay. Every winter I tend to forget that when spring and summer roll around, that C's work schedule almost doubles. The weather is so nice and there is only that window to accomplish a lot of projects, so he leaves at about 7am and comes home at dark. I don't know if this company might be different and actually enforce a 5 or 6pm quitting time. It's okay with me as long as he doesn't get too stressed out or exhausted - besides, the paychecks go up substantially and that's always nice. We discussed some of the improvements we can do to the house last night. I think something needs to start happening this summer. Just a little bit at a time.

On the Tape Deck

Listening to Blue October's "Congratulations."

Root Beer Floats

I don't know what happened. I was so exhausted yesterday and I just kept going and going. It was so nice to have E&R come spend the day and night with us. Official scores as follows: Pente = A v. R - 0/1, A v. E - 3/4, I won one round of Rummikub (protests were heard all around), and I came in second to E in Scrabble. All of this and I don't even like games! There were root beer floats and guacamole and chips, and served about 10:30pm, there was an awesome dinner of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and peas. R and I made it. Yeah, I know, that's a little late to eat dinner, but the guacamole and floats were really filling! I smile a little bit when I think about C and my similarities to E&R - we are both young, married couples, bought our first houses (and are fixing up our new houses!), have career tracks (E&R and C do, anyway), two dogs a piece (male and female), huge fish tanks, and a rodent/furry creature to top things off. Lots of differences, sure, but what we have in common is a bit funny.

I can't help but think after a terrific day with friends, that I miss them so much and would rather do anything else than go back to the way things are. I'm sure I'll make friends here, but I don't really trust myself to make friends. The last couple were awful and I'd rather not repeat any of those experiences ("Not all experiences are good, Bianca!" - six points for whoever emails me the name of the movie that's from, hint: it's a favorite of mine). It is almost lonely enough up here that I've forgotten how to talk to people. Although, my capacity for pleasant small talk went out the window years ago, to be honest. Enough Monday rambling . . .

Good Guys & Barbecue

Tired today. Probably because I haven't had lunch yet and it's nearing 2:30pm. Last Friday we went out to eat at the small town barbecue joint. I've heard awesome things about it and so we tried it. I'm not even a fan of barbecue, but I loved it! I had a barbecue beef sandwich and C had ribs. Neither of us could finish even half of what we were served, but the second half made a good breakfast Saturday morning. Yum. If you come visit me, I'll take you out to eat there!

I finally caught up with L (male factor) last night, or, he caught up with me. I don't know why I thought he was in Cali, because he's right next to me in Law. I knew that - I should have known that. He just makes me happy; I get a huge smile on my face just writing about him (or when I see him) because he's so sweet and nice and funny-looking. I really appreciate that I don't have to call him for a year and when I do, he's still nice and wants to catch up. It makes me feel special. For any guys that actually read this - that is how you make a girl's day: make her feel special. It works on moms, grandmas, sisters, girlfriends, wives, and friends. Tell them they look nice and that you are so happy you got to see one another. Express interest in something that is really important to them. Love them - that's the other thing all girls want. I'm mostly preaching to the choir here because I know that three of the guys who read this are already great - they do the aforementioned things all of the time and actually mean them. So to S, E, and T, you are all wonderful and you've been wonderful sources of comfort, love, and encouragement. I refer to you as amazing men to my friends because of the way you all have befriended me. It's also been wonderful to see that you really were there for me when I needed you. Thanks.

Spotted the boss and need to get back to work . . .

Purple on Green on Khaki

I can't say the day became much better after turning on my truck and driving home yesterday. Or maybe that's my morning "low" talking - I was fairly excited about today when I woke up. It's all part of the plan, that in actuality may or may not work right away, but there is a plan in place. It is comforting. One might be able to discern that I was being positive this morning by looking at the cute outfit I picked out, but the mood has diminished as the clock's ticked on. Maybe it will come back.

I wondered to C the other night if having too much information about all of this pregnancy, miscarriage, infertility stuff is bad for me. My miscarriage obviously means that nothing will ever be so easy, innocent, or taken for granted again, but I don't know if I need to have all of this other information covering every "what If." I'm hoping against another miscarriage, a stillborn, any sort of infertility and that's not at all effective in preventing any of that. I can't help thinking that any information is helpful information and since it doesn't really freak me out or worry me a lot, it must be good. I have virtually immersed myself in the blogs and stories of all sorts of people in the last few weeks. I think it's helped me move past what happened and realize that there is a reason for hope. My friends J and E both had miscarriages and J is in the midst of a healthy pregnancy and E went on to have a little girl. Their stories offer me hope. I was thinking last night that I don't know what I'll do if the same thing happens again. I'm not sure I can handle another loss like that and I don't need everyone to assure me that it won't happen again. Statistically, it shouldn't happen again, especially since I'm young and healthy, but it could. Everyone assured me that it wouldn't happen the first time. I'm worried, but very sane and practical. I just can't always help thinking, when reading these books, that I didn't do anything I wasn't supposed to and next time I won't either. There's nothing I can really do differently. That's why women in my position feel so powerless and out-of-control; the situation and what happened to our babies was literally out of our realm of control and there wasn't anything we could do to remedy that.

Trying not to end on a down note, I think I'll be excited to be pregnant again sometime. I just have to read my first few posts and even though I was careful in writing them, I can tell that I was so excited. As I'm sure we will be again. I think J told me that it helps to thank God for every minute of everyday that he lets you care for the little baby inside of you and that when/if He takes them back to be with Him, then cherish and be thankful for the time the little one was with you. I can probably accept some version of that. I can probably do with a little more nausea and fatigue, too. At least I realize by now that nothing happens in my timing, so . . .

Tees, Books, & Food

Do they even make white tee shirts that you can't see skin through anymore? I have on a nice white v-neck and you can see my skin tone through the tee. Clothes aren't made near as well as they were a few years ago. Or else you have to look a lot harder for the quality. I don't shop a lot anymore. In fact, that reminds me that I desperately need to do laundry tonight so that I have clothes to wear tomorrow. I'm hoping to get a package in the mail tomorrow also.

I finally received the last of my four books on miscarriage, pregnancy, and fertility. I forgot I even ordered four, but sure enough, the most comprehensive book on fertility arrived yesterday. Some of the subject matter has to do with me and my body, but mostly I'm curious for the sake of knowing. When I get a little further into this book, I'll probably post a better summary of what it's about, but it seems to be a useful tool so far. Up to chapter five and it's very detailed and interesting.

I spoke with J last night. It's always nice to hear from him and like I said, until one of C's brothers marry, I am the only sister they have. I keep reminding myself of that to reinforce that I am the best. I couldn't ask for better brother-in-laws than J and D. All three boys are the most respectful guys I have ever met. They are sweet and loving and they stand up for girls. I love having brothers like that. Both of them are such wonderful people and I appreciate that I can get annoyed or snippy with them and know they won't hold it against me forever. I miss them a lot. I never saw either of them on a very consistent basis, but I just light up when they come around.

I am tired. How can I get more than 7.5 hours of sleep a night and still be tired? And I'm still not hungry at all. If I force myself to eat a normal portion, I feel overly full. Has medical science developed the pill-a-day for all of our nutritional needs yet? I'd take it. I think it would be a lot better than eating when everything tastes like cardboard. Yuck. I thought I was getting my appetite back too - I assumed a month ago that it was a physical symptom of the grief process, but I guess not. See, not eating very much could be causing the fatigue. I do not need to lose any more weight either. I might try those protein shakes or something.

Today hasn't been a great day. Some things were messed up at work and the chef brought in food. I know I should have been grateful, but nothing tasted very good (just me) and I was served too much. So, I'll go let all of that wear off and the day should get better as I head for home in about an hour.

Chipper April

I'm almost chipper today. Still came into work and still doing the same old job (I may even file away the 3-inch stack of reports on my desk), but it is going smoothly. This is probably because I started the day with a phone call to S. I even made all of my turns and exits, something I'm not apt to do while driving and talking on the cell phone. S is good. Maybe we'll go out to the 'Ville over Easter weekend when I'm back. Another thing that has happened over the past two days is that I have a small plan. I made a calendar of events and it looks like we get to see a lot of friends and go to a few parties, oh, and I have a plan. Besides those pesky five days a week I have to drag myself out of bed and go to work, April is going to be fun.

Pictures, Friends and No More Bars

Not as bad as some Mondays. Still didn't want to come into work, but today I did not wish an infectious disease upon myself in order to get out of it. Lots of people don't enjoy their jobs, I'm just hoping that I don't have to be one of those people forever. I had long conversations with L and M last week. L tried to convince me that I would find a great job someday and sometimes we have to muddle through the crummy ones. My problem is that I don't have any faith that a great one will appear because I don't know what it looks like. I'm sure it would show up if I won the lottery. The phone bill should be a nice large number since I spent so many "daytime" minutes last week. They were well worth it - I haven't had a chance to spend that much time with either girl and it was great. I need to start planning our fall retreat. We'll have to fly M in and catch up with L, but I think we all could use a weekend together and away from all of this. Can you believe that these are the two girls I befriended when I was eight-years-old? I can't. C says that was the last time my sound judgement worked (what does that say about my choice of him?) because I have a record of mostly unhealthy friendships since.

I need more pictures on here. Everyone wants to see the poor limping puppy, right? C is completely in charge of that situation now. He doesn't think there could be any way that Boris's leg is fractured, so it's obviously not. As for Bella, I'm curious to find out if she's jealous of Boris, so I'm making the effort to give her a lot more attention (I'm doing that for C too, to see if his interactions with me change at all). I think there is a lot of common ground in training dogs and husbands. Good thing he never reads this.

I went out to the bars in Aggieville on Saturday with my sister and her friends. It was interesting. I kept feeling old and then realizing that I'm only two years older than most of them (if that!). There are two reasons for this that I could figure out: first, that C and all of his friends are 25+, with spouses, kids, houses, stable careers, etc., and secondly, for a similar reason, I have all of that stuff. The kid I was talking to is in college, lives with a bunch of guys, parties, studies, hangs out with his little girlfriend. I understand that because I've lived that, but there is no way he understands where I'm coming from. I've been married for two years, I graduated and got a full-time job, I own a house (with the husband), have a nice SUV, have two dogs that I am responsible for. Of course he doesn't get it - he can't. The whole scenario made me mad, but according to C, I get mad a lot. It also reminded me that we are way past the accidental pregnancy thing. We're on the other side of the fence with the other couples who aren't fervently trying to not have children and it's a refreshing place to be. More to come and less rambling later :-)

Could I Be a Master of Words?

Stupid email site won't let me into my email. I want to check my email compulsively. That's what I do at this job. I'm mulling over two things: #1, I probably need another email account, #2, should I pay for a blog service that could very well launch a writing career? First thing: new, more reliable email account would be great and more professionally titled. However, as noted, I've had the same email account since 2000 at least. That's longer than I've had C or Bella. Isn't a second account kind of like cheating on the first? Who should I go with? Gmail is what I'm thinking, but is there someone better? Can I love both accounts for different reasons? Second thing: for about $5/month or $50/year, I can join TypePad where there are all of these lovely, well-written blogs full of creativity and far superior sentence structure. Real authors. I've enjoyed reading so many of their blogs, and I could become one of them. My rules for myself would be as follows: one-two well thought out letter/essay/posts per week and they each have to go through one draft minimum (do any of you know how much I hate revising my own stuff), old material is permissible, but has to be dated so that everyone knows I'm slacking, and everything needs to be genius. That's attainable, right? And worth the $5/month? I'm going to check around some more before I commit, but I like the idea.

I feel sorry for whichever of my poor friends would have gotten the email version of this post, had I been able to access my email. I still don't know about Boris. He's limping, but C thinks it's because he's scared to use his leg. I, on the other hand, do not want to be the negligent mommy who won't spring for the x-ray to find out if it's broken or not (cough, Mom, cough). Just kidding. She was doing everything right. The doctor said so.

We're headed back home this weekend to help Grandpa move into his town house. I hope everything goes smoothly. Most of us have figured out that you can argue with a 90-year-old about as well as you can argue with a three-year-old. Add his grown (opinionated, stubborn, yet very loving) children to the mix and we are going to have a grand time. I hope Grandpa doesn't get overwhelmed. He lived in that house with Grandma for almost twenty-two years and there are a lot of memories and things to move. We're lucky - the weather is supposed to be really nice this weekend. That's about it for the daily rambling.

I Hope You Are Well

I was looking around babyfruit and saw this wonderful site: FutureMe.org. You can send yourself emails from the past (which is now and the future is then). Am I the only one nerdy enough to think that is so cool? I sent myself one in exactly a year titled "I Hope You Are Well." A lot can happen in one year.

I heard from D, my BIL, so I can scratch him off of my hit list (not a hit, as in: to commission an assassin, more like hit: smack the crap out of him the next time I see him). He's well and working hard in Denmark. He's probably a big star with the ladies there, but fortunately he realized that emailing me back was in his best interest. I do love him, and more than that, I miss him. It would be really nice to hang out with him in the upcoming months, but I know he is furthering his education and career and that is important. However, need I remind anyone, until one of those brothers puts a ring on some one's finger, I am the best and the only sister they have. Laugh, that's what they do . . .

Here I sit in all black (dark gray v-neck, bright pink scarf), yet not depressed. That little website at the top got me thinking that I will not be where I am today in one year. Lots of things will be different and I will feel different. I'll have a stainless steel sink, maybe a new job or I will have started that business, and possibly, there's a chance that I might have a baby or be pregnant again. I guess that I need to encourage everything to change then. Better go get started.

PS. M is wonderful, M is great! She lives in FL with her kitten that acts like a dog and her husband that acts like, well, her husband. Don't tell him that I like her better!

Dags, That's How They Say it in Snatch

This is Boris as a pup trying to eat my hand. Bella is the ninety-three pound reddish mountain beneath us.

This is Abby. I think she weighs four pounds. She bit Bella on the nose but didn't mean it. She was scared. She's my parent's puppy. A brindle-colored dachshund. With huge teeth. The remote is there for scale.

Maturity and Babyfruit

I'm a little bit proud of myself. First, I have an idea about a business I could start. I need to get together a lot more details and information, but I think it is a good, solid idea. More to come on that. Secondly, I let someone know (gently, I hope) that what she said hurt me and did not need to be said again. I called her within 24 hours and spoke with her and figured out the situation without getting mad or angry and saying mean things or sending harshly worded emails. I'm thinking that this was a much more mature way of dealing with something that hurt or offended me. Maybe I should try it more often.

I've written about the awful websites I've found on miscarriage, but I wanted to let you all in on a wonderful website I've some across: babyfruit.com. The author had four miscarriages before giving birth to her daughter. I think she's like me and believes that knowledge is power because she's trying to get a book written and a documentary done; both on miscarriage. It still is this thing, an elephant, in a room of women that no one talks about. When I had mine, I was surprised to find out how many family members and friends of my mom had miscarriages. I think it should be something that is discussed in sex education classes (actually, there are a lot of things I think should be added to those classes). Or maybe just not as taboo as it has become. I have hope, though, because there are so many women talking and connecting and discussing everything from infertility to refinishing furniture. I guess I believe in openness. I know I believe in honesty.

In that vein, my feelings were hurt this weekend. I was having a pleasant Saturday with my sister (B), who is more like a close friend, and we went to Aggieville to hang out with S. He had us meet up with K. I've known K since I was sixteen and I lived with him and E right before I got married and we had such a good time. I've been angry at K because he wouldn't return my phone calls (you know, one to catch up, one to tell him I'm pregnant, two more to hope he's still alive). B told him I was pregnant quite awhile ago and I assumed S told him that I wasn't. Although, S, it was not your responsibility and I am sorry that I acted like it was. We met up with K, he gave me a hug, acknowledged that he knew why I was angry, and patted my belly. My flat belly. I just stared at him not comprehending. Then, "I miscarried. I lost the baby." I know he felt bad, but I don't think he realized how bad I felt having to say that. If you know me well, you know what the rest of our forty minutes together were like: me trying to make him pay for not staying in contact and saying that, and him trying to defend himself. Probably uncomfortable for both B and S - I'm sorry you guys. In the entire hour, we picked up a really cool St. Patrick's Day shirt (B), I had the greatest hug with S, K broke something (in addition to my heart?), and there was drinking (me). It was an interesting, rough day. And K, I don't consider this talking trash, I consider it telling the story of my Saturday. If you would have called me back, ever, Saturday wouldn't have happened like that. Think about it.

Bella and Boris Wounded

This was a bad weekend for the dogs. Friday night, out at C's parent's house, I hear Boris screaming from somewhere in the dark. So I go out to find him and C's carrying him up from lower field, still screaming. We think that he and Bella were playing and something happened. He hurt his front right leg badly enough that it hasn't touched the ground in four days. He didn't figure out the three-legged hobble for quite awhile either, so he kept putting his leg down, hurting it, and screaming some more. Yesterday I took him to the vet who gave him painkillers and said to come back for an x-ray if he's not putting more weight on it by Thursday. The vet was leaning towards a hairline fracture diagnosis because he noticed the bones in Boris's foreleg were bowed. However, it is also his wonky foot that points in and I think that could explain a bow in the leg. We'll see. And so he's hobbling around the house a bit and spending most of his time "restricted" to his box so his leg can hopefully heal. A day without screaming would be nice.

Then there was Bella. The first incident wasn't her fault, my mom came out to C's parent's house to pick me up and brought her puppy, Abby. Abby weighs about four pounds and thinks she's a big dog. She was frightened because of the strange people, surroundings, dogs, and so she bit the one that got too close. So Bella's nose started bleeding (and quickly stopped and healed). After we get to Mom's house, I go to unhook Bella's rope so that she can go into the house and she bolts to the sidewalk to attack another dog that a lady is walking. I see fur fly and the dogs go at it and I'm yelling at Bella, so she tucks tail and goes back into the house. I repeatedly apologize to the lady and her dog (a 13-year-old Blue Heeler/Border Collie mix) and she tells me that she just let go of her dog's leash when Bella came at them because she knew her dog could handle himself. I'm pretty sure that he won because Bella had more scratches on her nose and she came back very quickly. We then had a little talk about how she's going to get a shock collar because I have tried everything else.

Like I said, the dogs did not have a very good weekend.

Mulberry Trees

I wrote M a note today. I was thinking that most things you can get over, but this is not one of them. This grief is rooted down deep in my soul and will always be a part of me. The concept begs the question of whatever will grow out of such an achy, grief saturated place. I hope that it is something wonderful and inviting; full of many colors or even bright colors and a scent that memories grow upon. A mulberry tree maybe. Berries that you can eat and beautiful flowers. Or lavender irises. I've always liked those. Anything strong and hearty. I'm not sure if anything like that grows, but somewhere that is grief-filled has moisture from the tears and shade from the shadows, so living things are welcome.

I went to an awful website today. I'm sure it is inspiring for some, but for me and those with similar circumstances, it was so awful. I was going to tell all about it and now I'm not because I am trying not to think about it. Trust me, it was bad. However, the sun is out and it was 65 degrees at 2:30PM, so I think we're going for a walk tonight. Or a jog. There is a "deal" we came up with that I'll explain tomorrow.

Bills Don't Buy Shoes

All the days are running together. The workday is almost over, some dismal television, go to sleep, wake up and do it all over again. What does one have to do to make it change? I have a voicemail. Can I hope that it's about one of those jobs at the medical center? I know that any of them will be just another job, but most that I applied for are busy enough to not let me mull over everything fifty thousand times. I would also be exposed to various people and, as noted before, my drive time will drop in half. Now, I'm concerned with how upset they will be with me here. They're already stressed out because they've lost/are losing three associates. I am part of the glue that connects everything and gets the little things done. But it might not be anything on my phone. Everything came rushing back yesterday because I received the anesthesiologist's bill. I remember being in the hospital. The total was less than I thought it would be, but quite a bit for a 20 minute surgery. I'll call him and see if we can work something out. Maybe he'll want me to come work for him - I am looking for a job in the medical field.

Something a bit more cheery: I look nice today. It was an accident, but here I am in a pale green long sleeve v-neck with a brown short sleeve sweater over and these great tan pants that Mom bought me this weekend. I was concerned that they'd be too small or show that little bit of pudge in the back, but once they relax, they fit great and look great. I still need shoes, but I'm going to look online if I get a chance. I need to be grateful for the things I have, probably not so insane about the things I don't.

Internet and Crappy Television

Every once in a while something happens just to remind me. Or maybe Tuesdays are heinous inventions of a dark underlord out to steal happiness from living souls. His name could be Kar-Koffen-Steinen-Acrue. It sounds vaguely diabolical. Today isn't that bad, it just started out badly. C needs to be nicer and try harder to understand things. Good luck, I know. Especially with Internet and extended cable being installed today. I'm never going to see him again. Unless I pull the plug, which I will do and won't feel bad about. How soon before I spring that threat on him? I have to wait until he breaks a rule that he knows nothing about and then threaten him with the complete disappearance of anything technology-related. If he doesn't start to comply with the rule he knows nothing about, I will punish him. That all sounds very loving and good-wife to me. You know, like we have an open, honest relationship full of compromise and communication.

The nice little sayings don't fill the void left behind. I am thankful that we are young and we can try again, but holding everything in some sort of hiatus until it does happen again doesn't work. It really doesn't work. Constant television programs about stolen babies, teen pregnancies, rapes, and violence against women don't help. Watching a show about a dumb teenager who can't figure out how to use a condom, gets pregnant and aborts the baby isn't really great for me right now. Reading books about hidden children, pregnancies, abortions - not so great either. I can't even finish these thoughts. I've been reading Reviving Ophelia and Ophelia Speaks recently and the atrocities that every woman has to bear just by living in the same world men inhabit sickens me. This is why I will teach my daughter(s) to defend themselves with any means necessary. Because they really don't know who is a friend and who is out to get them. Date rape, molestation, incest - are all perpetrated by men that girls know and trust enough to be around. I'm rambling and done.

Sundresses and Shots

I've ignored these Hershey's Kisses on my desk since Valentine's Day and now, all of a sudden, they are delicious. I can only guess what that means. Which is good news because it probably means that my body is getting back to normal. I'm also drinking Naked: Berry Blast. It's a fruit smoothie that claims no sugar added and one pound of fruit in the bottle. If you drink the whole thing, it's two servings of fruit and veggies.

I had a nice weekend. C went out to the bar with his boss and coworkers on Friday and I get a call telling me to meet them at the boss's house with the derby DVD (C does demolition derby and his film-student brother has made a really nice DVD of the competition from two years ago, so naturally EVERYONE MUST SEE IT). I'm waiting around for my mom to get here, but I take off, still on the phone in the midst of an interesting conversation with S, to the boss's house. Where I stay, watching derby videos until ten. C creeps home later only to knock on my window to let him in because his key is on the "other" key ring. Side note: I catch flack because I have too many keys and "things" on my key ring, oh, and something dangles down and touches C's leg when he drives, but at least I only have ONE key ring and not six.

Mom and I went shopping on Saturday and had a lot of fun. We found some towels, some clothes, and an excellent restaurant. We headed into Johnny Carino's for lunch and had a great salad and pasta duo. Mom had turtle cheesecake too (I helped). I'd have to say that of everything we got, I'm most excited about this cute black sundress from Old Navy (have to love Old Navy). It fits perfectly. The hardest part about shopping was that we weren't shopping for the things I would have expected. But Mom knew that and put it in perspective. More of you should come visit us! Maybe after next weekend we'll have a queen bed in the library/guest room and a twin bed! Plenty of room and my cooking has really improved. Consider this an invitation (especially to E&R and T&K, who I haven't seen in forever).

We also found out why Boris peed on the bed - poor baby has a UTI. C took him to the vet Saturday morning for shots and to be tested. I can already see an improvement - he was wanting to go outside every 15-25 minutes and now we're cutting back to once an hour. I know that in people UTIs can be really painful (like head-into-the-ER-NOW painful), so I hope he was okay. To everyone that has dogs, especially puppies, UTIs are very common and hard to spot because you aren't sure if the pup just isn't housebroken yet. I'm glad we caught this. Back to my Naked: Berry Blast. Maybe new pictures later this week. Oh, and hello to SC, who I wrote and she wrote back to tell me she and the hubby moved to Cali!

Forcing Feeling & Bad Blue Heeler

I love my husband, I really do, but he often infuriates me. He seems to think that when I get upset or a little depressed that I am doing it to myself. So, apparently, in a long work day it doesn't make a lick of sense that my mind would wander and I'd look down at my very flat belly and think, you know, I bet I'd be showing a tiny bit by now. That might make me a little bit sad. Of the thought patterns I could choose at this point, it's about 50/50 for the uplifting thoughts and the sad ones. He makes me feel like I choose to be sad and depressed and that I can single-handedly change the way I feel. "Through what?!" I want to yell. Sometimes people are just sad and I have a damn fine reason to be sad. I don't sit around here and dwell on it at all; I enjoy thinking about what the future holds for us. But sometimes thoughts creep in, take over, and you're left a sad, depressed lump. I happen to think this is okay every once in a while. I get it that he's not going to understand what I am going through - he can't, but I don't understand why he thinks it's my fault that I feel this way sometimes.

I think Mom is coming this weekend and we'll do a little bit of retail therapy. I put the few maternity things I bought on the high shelf in the closet. I did a good job, I bought on-sale, work type clothes that will work whenever I get pregnant again. So, I probably need some new "real" clothes. At least a new pair of brown work shoes since the puppy ate the others. He also peed on our bed last night and I almost killed him. C made me sit in the living room so that he could remake the bed (thankfully nothing went through to the mattress) and I could calm down. Apparently I raged out just a little bit and needed to sit on the couch in the dark for five to ten minutes. We took the mattress pad off the bed and I slept so much better last night. I guess good things can come from bad. Boris the Bad Blue Heeler spent the night in his box, so I'm sure he doesn't think it was a good night.

I wanted to mention that I feel a lot better since I took that ticker down. I probably don't need something that blatant and in-my-face to remind me of our loss. Neither do the rest of you and I'm sorry. It seemed like the best thing at the time and since it replaced the ticker with the growing baby, it almost made everything more real to me.

Lakes, Rakes, and Circular Things

I'm not quite ready to go back to bright orange text; it's not that happy yet. I can't believe I was so excited, because I don't think that I'm the excitable type, but those who know me would probably say different. I have photographs that would say different. I still miss the excitement and more, the sense of purpose (described in an earlier post). It's unreal how life just flips all the way over. The weekends have been hard because we don't have a lot of friends and it's been so cold outside. And then everything bad happened over one weekend while we were at home and had time to dwell on it and just wait for the inevitable. That all could have made the weekends a little bit worse. I know there have to be nice people here, but I was explaining to C last night, I go days without seeing anyone my age or talking to someone with something in common with me and it's hard. I don't really want to reach out again because of all the horrible friends I've made. The best ones are from before I was eight (although some pretty nice ones showed up in high school too). I'm rambling.

Last night we drove out to Hillsdale Lake, where we will probably be spending a good amount of time this summer. It's really pretty and C can't wait to fish on it. The dogs came with and hung their heads out the windows right up until it started hailing. My Jeep was just pounded and I kept worrying, but C said that we had insurance and it would be okay. Most of the awful weather missed our house (although C is hoping for some damage so that we can get a new roof), but there was a lot more hail in the area and a tornado two counties over. Gotta love Kansas. And it snowed huge flakes about 9:30 this morning. Go figure.

I applied for four jobs at the medical center today. I'm hoping something will come of it. The people here appreciate me, but it's really far to drive and I only see an average of five people on a daily basis (that includes the mailman, Doug, and the UPS guy, Ben). Besides, I think it would be nice to work somewhere that has really good benefits and understands pregnant women when that time comes around for me again. The only reason it's been so good here at my job lately is that I haven't had to look at a menu to redo; I think I hate that part. I'll see some menus early next week though and tomorrow all of the consultants are coming in for their monthly meeting. It's like Grand Central Station here.

I mentioned to my mom that I found the answers to some of the questions I had about miscarriage online yesterday. That made me feel a lot better because I had real answers in my hands. I now know what is happening to my body. Comforting at least. I also wanted to say real quick that I am so excited for my friend J. She and her husband heard their baby's heartbeat earlier this week and that is such good news. J has been so sweet through all of this and very supportive since she knows exactly what it's like. Thank you, J!