Choosing gratefulness

I have a grateful story that I want to share because I'm coming around to grateful.

We were supposed to start FET #2 with my December cycle (or January, but I was hoping for December to save my sanity). We'd spoken to my RE and while everything was textbook for FET #1, he suggested adding an endometrial scratch/biopsy to FET #2 for the extra boost it might give my high quality embryos to implant. It's probably going to be crampy and more expensive, but I'm glad we're doing whatever we can to improve our chances for pregnancy.

So December. I'm very aware that I'm anovulatory, but I usually have cycles that are regular (I call them copycat cycles, since they give the illusion that I ovulate) and I was counting on that for timing around ordering meds, the biopsy and the RE's two week holiday vacation (yay, Dr!). Then my cycle didn't start and it didn't start. Which is cruel. A different, hopeful woman might wonder if she was pregnant, but I was just so mad. I had all the transfer dates from my RE's nurse and I had an idea of how each timeline would work and I was missing all of them!

Then we bought a new furnace for the house we still own in a town two hours away. And the renters didn't pay rent. And it was Christmas. And I missed the transfer window I was counting on. So we made a stressful Christmas happen and then began paperwork to evict our renters. I paid our rent, our bills and the mortgage on the house. We realized that we could no longer count on the renters to pay or at least pay on time - so they need to move out and we need to fix the house up and get it on the market. Which will take a significant amount of our money over the next few months.

In short, the money that was going towards our next FET is going to update our house and get it sold. This made me mad and sad and now I'm trying to see it as a blessing. This pushes off our next attempt for a somewhat indeterminate amount of time, which is a little heartbreaking, but my late cycle made it so that everything happened as it needed to. I see it and I am grateful.

Loss this time around

So this is the month to remember what we've lost. I've lost a pregnancy, almost seven years ago. Which sucked. I have friends who have given birth to babies who were still, friends who have had miscarriage after miscarriage, friends like me who have found even getting pregnant a huge challenge.

We were lucky with our first IVF because it worked and we have our beautiful son. It was hopeful and empowering because finally, we were pregnant and then, even though he was early, that little guy was alive and healthy. I've known for awhile that I wasn't going to "get over" my (our?) infertility - it might as well be branded on my soul. It stabs and hurts and aches that I need to call a doctor to even attempt to build my family further. But we did and we signed up for the ride and did the medicine and the transfer and the test. Negative.

I can pinpoint what I didn't lose this time - I didn't lose a baby. However, I lost a little more hope and got punched in the gut. I lost an opportunity. I lost time. I lost physical, emotional and mental well-being. I lost money in the gamble. To try this hard and have it not work? It sucks. It's another pervasive loss that I confront every time my throat wells up.

Those I've confided in keep telling me that it isn't my fault. I know that. I do. And reason bears that truth. But logic disagrees. And it's the wrong side of the statistics again. I'm so done with this side.

Maybe I'll write more when I can be cohesive. Maybe not.

And it's Real

Which could mean so many things. The subcutaneous shots and red syringe bucket make it real for me - just like last time. I get to stop bcps tomorrow though and that's great - if they are the thing that is making me crazy. Because I am crazy and I wish I wasn't, but rational me is a glimpse in the mirror these days. That's really all I have to report. Going to go do some shots now. Nope, not those kind - sadly, I'm better at my kind.

Oh, does anyone know - can I actually give myself a PIO shot? I've got anticipatory anxiety. Sounds like a real thing, huh? I'm concerned about not having the angle or the force needed for the jab into the hip area. I might go watch some videos . . .

Back in the Saddle

No horses involved, but the analogy holds. I'm not sure that anyone checks in here anymore, which is why I feel free to post that we are attempting an FET (frozen embryo transfer) in the next few months. It's still a process that's very similar to IVF, but less pricey and the embryos are already created.

So, to really catch up, we are parents to IM, who turned two in late May. He's the greatest child ever - I can't even begin to explain how awesome he is and how grateful we are. Sure, he hasn't taken a decent nap all Labor Day weekend (what is going on?) and we're working through small acts of disobedience, but he's two and we're all in this together. He needs a sibling.

We left off after our first IVF pregnant with IM, which turned into an eventful pregnancy - I'll try and detail that somewhere soon. After that kid was eight weeks old and gaining weight everything was golden and I returned to work a little after that, nursed and pumped, then we moved home, lived with my parents for six months and then moved out to the country. Somewhere in there I got a high powered (high stress) job, we live in this tiny house (a rental) and still own the house in the city two hours away where we no longer live (renters are in it - they are okay, sort of). I stayed home with IM for a little over three months and went crazy, we've been through four care providers and now, I think, it's all settled. It's been a learning experience for sure. I'm just hoping for well-adjusted - for all of us, really.

I caught baby fever when IM was about 18 months old. The world didn't stop for us. There were well-intentioned comments to the effect of: maybe you'll be able to get pregnant on your own this time! Again, well-intentioned, but I was fairly certain in my heart that wasn't going to happen. No precautions were taken and there have been no hints at a pregnancy. Which is great and heartbreaking - I have a dual mind about it all: wouldn't it be so great to just have SEX and get pregnant? oh the possibilities! oh the cost savings! but, wait, what about those embryos? C and I had a bit of an ethical quandary after IM was here, you know, living, breathing, being 50% me and 50% C - those embryos, we can't give them away (our feelings, only) with each one of them the actual possibility of a full sibling to IM. So maybe it's better that we're still the sex-without-consequences (if consequences = lovely babies) couple because we have to (I go between use-up and give-a-chance-at-life-to phrasing) our frozen possibilities. How's that for a thought process that will give you a headache. Anyway, it's all worked out, because we need to use those embryos, because I still don't get pregnant by sex. It's my thing.

Finally, all of something aligned (rusty trucks in the backyard?) and we're in a position to do an FET (financially, emotionally, etc.) and it's basically crazy all over again. You didn't think I would sugar coat it all starting now, did you? This time, we add in a cherished two year old, an extra busy husband, rural living, high stress job, trips two hours away for dr appts and the increased risk(?) of twins and triplets. This is on top of the drug protocol (I hate birth control, I'm great at subcutaneous injections, what are these patches and oh, thought I'd escaped the terrible vag cream and intramuscular shots). I'm already tired. Now you kind of understand why I had to talk myself into making the important call to the dr. Not to mention, pregnancy was not a treat for me last time. Not fun, not cute, not relaxing. And the ending was a combination of unfortunate events. And I don't trust a single ob within 30 minutes of us (long story).

Otherwise, we're really excited because this might be the beginning of little dude or dudette #2 (or #2 and #3, dear lord). That, I'm ready for - a little person. Just hoping it all works. And keeping you all in the loop. You're welcome.

Catching Up

This would be the place to write the story because it already contains huge portions of the story. But every time I go to begin, for example with I's birth, I feel like the pregnancy has everything to do with it. And it does, but I dare not detail the pregnancy without discussing first the conception, but before that, the infertility trials, which stem from our loss, which came about because we wanted to get pregnant, and that has roots with the story of C and me, the story of AM and me - especially the badness - and C and me developed on the heels of S and me and the reason I got dumped. So much more, you see. It'll be the longest post ever. Or a series that I leave unwritten. Succinctly, baby I is here because of the events and choices that I made and didn't make a very long time ago - adolescence at least. And so it is. Oh, and sheer scientific and medical magic, the generosity and prayers of friends and family, and luck, really, because there are these little striations that are the cumulative events that have transpired to a person and a couple - all the same, all unique and there isn't always a tell of why this happened for this specific person at this instant and this person - they're either lucky or just got screwed.

It's one of those stories. It's mine and I'd like to tell it. Scratch that, it's now mine, C's and I's - because somehow, it turned into an origin story. Which completely explains why it's lengthy.

Sometime I'll fill in the parts you don't know. Maybe you'll follow along, maybe you won't care. I could go forward or I could reveal the punch line first. There's just no telling.

- Posted from my mobile phone