Outside of being just fine happy okay, the dates and moments that bring me to a bleak place vary. I didn't ever figure our child's due date (which has proven wise and sanity-saving) - I only know that had things gone perfectly, he would have arrived late July or early August. Therefore, that time frame does not mean much to me. Even though I told my parents about the pregnancy around the end of January, that time period doesn't mean much to me either. I know the date forwards and backwards that I lost our child in a gush of blood, but February 11th, doesn't even usually cause much anguish.
What hurts then?
Today. January 1st. For many reasons. Mostly because of the memory of C's excitement upon finding out we were going to be parents. It was today. I remember that. I asked him to keep it quiet and he fought with me. He had to tell the friends that came over on the first for lunch. We were at their house last night for New Year's Eve, like we have been every year since. I was able to hold their almost 6mo old son. This was the day we began telling three years ago. Obviously not knowing the heart wrenching future, but full of hope and happiness. I'm not sure we get to experience that again.
Christmas. Our families are great - they get this struggle more or less. It's just everyone else and their stupid small talk and comments. I feel this need/desire to provide my parents/his parents with SOMEONE else to focus on. Someone small who gurgles and sleeps a lot to buy lots of clothes/toys/whatever for. The focus on us, the twenty/thirty-somethings, for this holiday is bordering on crazy.
Our Anniversary. The beginning of the end for my beloved grandma. She fell Christmas Eve, went into the hospital, and never came out. The traditional wedding she would have been so proud of us for having was missed; Grandpa came alone. Three weeks later, I was the last one to say goodbye and while I was there, she passed. I am not certain you are ever old enough to make a call to your parents to tell them that their mom is gone. While I know that my lovely grandma is perfectly whole and radiant where she is, I miss her and I know she would have revelled in the great grandchild she could have had through me.
Our Anniversary also reminds me of the guilt I feel in my capacity of Wife. Even if I was competent at Wife, I would still fail at Wife because I can't transcend to Mother. Which is only true for us because that is where we want to be (as in, this is not a social critique on you or your choices or roles). Yes, I do feel shitty because I can't provide my husband with the children he (we) desire. Yuck.
Valentine's Day is more of the same. I woke up four years ago on Valentine's Day and thought inside my head (and without the necessary filter and thanks to pain meds, then turned to C and said out loud) *Happy Valentine's Day, Honey. I'm sorry that I'm a terrible wife and lost our baby. I still love you.* And that should sum up how terrible I usually feel on that day. What a fabulous present to the one you love, huh?
Since all of these dates are clumped within a nine week period, it does feel like an onslaught in what was my (our) favorite season of winter. Interestingly, nine weeks was pegged as the length of fetal development when I had the D&C. The good part, is that it comes and goes relatively quickly. By late February, everything is relatively normal.
I definitely did not come home from the parties last night and argue with C. We didn't drive to the parties and back home in silence. I certainly didn't want to leave any of these parties early. While there was a valid reason for the argument, even I knew something else was going on in my head. So when the racking sobs came on with the memories and crazy irrational thoughts, I got it. We're in some weird limbo. Four years ago we were ecstatic about the possibilities in front of us. We've spent four years trying to get that back. And we're adding the fifth year to the tally.
Please, 2011, I can't ask for what I really want and you can't make promises, so I'll ask for something in the middle: answers. Perhaps we just need answers for closure. Or, maybe with enough growth this year I can stop being such a basket case. Either way: it's win-win for me.
