Hi A,
I hope this email finds your family well. I need some delivery info for statistics on 2011. I think that email is easier for most people, but if you prefer to call, my number is X and it is okay to leave a message.
I need the following:
Date of birth, number born, sexes, weights, complications, NICU?, SVD or CS, birth defects.
Also, we love pix!
Thanks so much,
S
Embryologist
XClinic
---------------------------------
Dear S,
I'm sure you are right, that email is easier - yours made me tear up a little because as I read it I was holding my son in my arms - something I wasn't sure would happen!
IM (I know you don't need his name, but we are proud of it), was born on May 25, 2012. He is a boy and a singleton. He was born five weeks early at 4lbs, 6oz and 17in long. He was delivered via c-section due to breech presentation and purposefully five weeks early due to my preeclampsia and a "mature" placenta (causing IUGR). IM spent 12 days in the NICU - only to maintain temperature and gain weight, no respiratory problems or illness.
A strange thing happened during the c-section: the dr asked (while she was sewing me up) if we had ever thought we were having twins (maybe not the best time to ask us that!) as a result of transferring two embryos, I answered no and explained that we had a sonogram at 6wks 2days and there was only one. She had asked because IM's placenta was heart shaped and double lobed (another cause of the IUGR, I believe).
THIS is a link to a blog post with now&then photos. While IM was born at 4lbs, 6oz, he was up to 9lbs, 6oz at eight weeks old, along with a five inch length gain. Which leads me to believe that our dr made a good decision in taking him early, as he grew much better and faster outside.
Let me know if you need anything else, S, and thank you so much for your part in bringing IM to us!
Sincerely, A
------------------------------
Oh A,
What a little miracle you have there. I am so happy for you! Thanks for your details and congratulations. I can only imagine how difficult those first few weeks were for your family, but he is growing and doing well now….so wonderful. Very interesting about the placenta. I had a similar experience with my last son. We thought he was a singleton and found at birth that he most likely had been a twin. You have very mixed feelings at that time.
At XClinic we feel blessed to help families like yours grow! Most welcome.
Good luck in the future,
S
***I received this email on the 24th of July. I did cry upon reading it and wanted to post the interaction because THAT is what you want from a clinic. And it is the incredibly short story of what happened. More to come.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
First Day Alone
Maybe today doesn't count because my mom was here until 930am when she left to get back to work by 1pm. So I had some extra sleep and little guy had an extra bottle (throwing him completely off any schedule, but he was happy). Otherwise, today is my first day with him alone. Sure, C will be home this afternoon and I'll be grateful for his help (read: to hand off his son).
So today we're just going to eat, sleep, poop, and drink water (just me on that last one). Which seems simple until you factor in what feed means. Right now, we're nursing for as long as Baby I likes (10-30min), then we're supplementing with a bottle of breast milk (25-40ml, have to find a clean bottle and warm up and get him to wake long enough to take it all in: 10-20min), and finally, I'm supposed to keep up with pumping like I was in the hospital (after every single feeding, which I have cut back to about 4-5x per 24hr period, but I have to make sure my pumping gear is clean and dry, find a container for breast milk, and pump for longer than I did at the hospital to achieve the same result: 30-40min). Then we do it all again in less than two hours. It can be exhausting. Which, is how I hear it is.
I'm still going to try my best not to do too much (so I shouldn't walk three blocks to the library to pick up a book?) and sleep a lot. And not count the hours until C arrives home. Perhaps not blog or email or text (wait, really?).
- Posted from my mobile phone
So today we're just going to eat, sleep, poop, and drink water (just me on that last one). Which seems simple until you factor in what feed means. Right now, we're nursing for as long as Baby I likes (10-30min), then we're supplementing with a bottle of breast milk (25-40ml, have to find a clean bottle and warm up and get him to wake long enough to take it all in: 10-20min), and finally, I'm supposed to keep up with pumping like I was in the hospital (after every single feeding, which I have cut back to about 4-5x per 24hr period, but I have to make sure my pumping gear is clean and dry, find a container for breast milk, and pump for longer than I did at the hospital to achieve the same result: 30-40min). Then we do it all again in less than two hours. It can be exhausting. Which, is how I hear it is.
I'm still going to try my best not to do too much (so I shouldn't walk three blocks to the library to pick up a book?) and sleep a lot. And not count the hours until C arrives home. Perhaps not blog or email or text (wait, really?).
- Posted from my mobile phone
Friday, June 8, 2012
Two Weeks Out
It's been two weeks since I had surgery and Baby I entered the world. I'm planning to go back and describe some of what happened in leading up to his arrival and the days following, but it will take some time. I didn't realize how all consuming newborns could be!
We are both home now. Baby I was discharged from the hospital's NICU on Tuesday, May 5th and we joyfully came home to a clean and organized home (courtesy of C, my parents, and C's mom). It was exhausting. I suddenly didn't have NICU nurses to take over one of Baby I's early morning hour feedings so that I could get more sleep (yes, they told me to take advantage of this opportunity while we were there, so I did). And I (we) was now responsible for all of his care, which is overwhelming. Per his dr and the nurses and the lactation consultant, I was to keep breast feeding (my choice), then supplement with 22-30ml of breast milk from a bottle, and finally pump - all of this every 2-3 hours. I know a lot of you have done it, but when there isn't any help, that's a substantial amount of time and dishes, especially at 3 or 4am. We're still figuring it out. I don't sleep much, but I hear that's typical.
My dr's appointment was this morning and it went well. C and Baby I came with me and the dr just reminded me to take it easy and to remember to eat and drink enough. She noted my feeding/bottle/pump schedule and asked me how long I could keep it up and I honestly answered that I'd already dropped some of the late/early pump times in exchange for better, longer sleep. She approved of this tactic. I also found that if Baby I eats well from me, I can get away with pumping less frequently and for a longer duration and get approximately the same amount of milk. It will all work out. Dr said my ankles looked great (i.e. I have ankles again instead of cankles - they still surprise me) and my blood pressure was back on the low side of normal. My scar is healing great and we had a brief conversation about birth control - that's probably another post altogether, but I'll just note for now that the idea of birth control after everything we've experienced makes me (as in a personal, closely held feeling) very uncomfortable.
Baby I's appointment was this afternoon and we were holding our breath for two reasons: weight gain and vaccines. The bottle supplement is specifically to encourage Baby I to gain weight and I was almost closing my eyes as C put him on the scale at the dr's office (after cleaning up a colossal dirty diaper that surely would have added a few ounces). He was born at 4'6, dropped to 3'12, and was at least 4'7 when we left on Tuesday, so I was delighted that he had gained 6oz and is now at 4lbs, 13oz! He's also grown an inch to 18in, or they were able to stretch him out a little better. We opted not to circumcise him after I did quite a bit of research, so we didn't have that to worry about. The green crusty eyes are just immature tear ducts. Everything else looked great. We were concerned about vaccination, but I haven't had time to research them as well as I would like to, but my (so far) uninformed, common sense thoughts are these: vaccines are, for the most part, good, but more recently, more vaccines that could be considered unnecessary or misrepresented have been introduced - some for diseases that are rare, difficult to contract, or even moral reasons - and as his parents, we want to dictate what gets put into his body (especially after all the recent decisions that were made for us/him in his best interest). We also do not want him getting 4-6 shots in a single visit, as that cannot be beneficial, nor do we know how a vaccine intended for a 6-8lb newborn can affect a baby under 5lbs. So really, we aren't even declining vaccination, we would just like to wait a bit, do some research, and maybe visit the vaccination thing when Baby I is bigger. But the HepB is right around the corner, which is one of the reasons we've been looking for a dr who will delay vaccination - might have found one in my own GP.
So, we're all good and well and tired, even though we've had tons of help (moms and sister) and even meals delivered (courtesy of my work pals - wow!). And at two weeks, we're as healthy as anything!
We are both home now. Baby I was discharged from the hospital's NICU on Tuesday, May 5th and we joyfully came home to a clean and organized home (courtesy of C, my parents, and C's mom). It was exhausting. I suddenly didn't have NICU nurses to take over one of Baby I's early morning hour feedings so that I could get more sleep (yes, they told me to take advantage of this opportunity while we were there, so I did). And I (we) was now responsible for all of his care, which is overwhelming. Per his dr and the nurses and the lactation consultant, I was to keep breast feeding (my choice), then supplement with 22-30ml of breast milk from a bottle, and finally pump - all of this every 2-3 hours. I know a lot of you have done it, but when there isn't any help, that's a substantial amount of time and dishes, especially at 3 or 4am. We're still figuring it out. I don't sleep much, but I hear that's typical.
My dr's appointment was this morning and it went well. C and Baby I came with me and the dr just reminded me to take it easy and to remember to eat and drink enough. She noted my feeding/bottle/pump schedule and asked me how long I could keep it up and I honestly answered that I'd already dropped some of the late/early pump times in exchange for better, longer sleep. She approved of this tactic. I also found that if Baby I eats well from me, I can get away with pumping less frequently and for a longer duration and get approximately the same amount of milk. It will all work out. Dr said my ankles looked great (i.e. I have ankles again instead of cankles - they still surprise me) and my blood pressure was back on the low side of normal. My scar is healing great and we had a brief conversation about birth control - that's probably another post altogether, but I'll just note for now that the idea of birth control after everything we've experienced makes me (as in a personal, closely held feeling) very uncomfortable.
Baby I's appointment was this afternoon and we were holding our breath for two reasons: weight gain and vaccines. The bottle supplement is specifically to encourage Baby I to gain weight and I was almost closing my eyes as C put him on the scale at the dr's office (after cleaning up a colossal dirty diaper that surely would have added a few ounces). He was born at 4'6, dropped to 3'12, and was at least 4'7 when we left on Tuesday, so I was delighted that he had gained 6oz and is now at 4lbs, 13oz! He's also grown an inch to 18in, or they were able to stretch him out a little better. We opted not to circumcise him after I did quite a bit of research, so we didn't have that to worry about. The green crusty eyes are just immature tear ducts. Everything else looked great. We were concerned about vaccination, but I haven't had time to research them as well as I would like to, but my (so far) uninformed, common sense thoughts are these: vaccines are, for the most part, good, but more recently, more vaccines that could be considered unnecessary or misrepresented have been introduced - some for diseases that are rare, difficult to contract, or even moral reasons - and as his parents, we want to dictate what gets put into his body (especially after all the recent decisions that were made for us/him in his best interest). We also do not want him getting 4-6 shots in a single visit, as that cannot be beneficial, nor do we know how a vaccine intended for a 6-8lb newborn can affect a baby under 5lbs. So really, we aren't even declining vaccination, we would just like to wait a bit, do some research, and maybe visit the vaccination thing when Baby I is bigger. But the HepB is right around the corner, which is one of the reasons we've been looking for a dr who will delay vaccination - might have found one in my own GP.
So, we're all good and well and tired, even though we've had tons of help (moms and sister) and even meals delivered (courtesy of my work pals - wow!). And at two weeks, we're as healthy as anything!
Birth Story Part 1: The Caesarean Section
I had a c-section because Baby I was breech. I asked the dr if we should attempt to flip him and she said no, he was already stressed. Then she said she was sorry that it needed to be like this and acknowledged that this wasn't quite the way I had wanted labor and delivery to go either. Her nurse called us later Thursday afternoon to tell me that the c-section was scheduled for Friday at 130p and to arrive at 1130a and no food or drink past midnight (friends advised me to eat a small breakfast, but I didn't and later regretted).
So we showed up on Friday, on time and I tried not to cry as I signed in for my primary caesarean section. Mom came with C and I to the hospital, and sister B, Dad, C's mom, and a super close family friend came along later. One person I didn't expect was sister B's boyfriend of four years, J, who came in afterwards - so very sweet of him (two hour drive each way).
They prepped me with all sorts of IVs and compression stuff and explained everything very well. In the OR, the anesthesiologist kept me talking about Harry Potter while putting in my epidural, which was kind and probably made it go way better. They explained that I'd feel everything, but that there should be no actual pain. After the meds set in, I found it humorous to not feel my lower half as they splayed my legs to insert a catheter (one of the things I'm used to after IF?). All thirteen or so people in the room introduced themselves and told me what they'd be doing and the dr came in with C. She had told us that she hoped the baby was a girl because there is less to grab between the legs when they come out breech :-).
The surgery itself was not a fun time. I apparently can't tell the difference between the sensations (pulling, tugging, stretching) and pain, or else I was actually in pain. The anesthesiologist kept asking me if I was in pain and I kept saying that I didn't know, then he just started going off my facial expressions and pushed more pain meds. C was able to look over the curtain and let me know that we had a son, then he continued to watch the rest of the surgery when he wasn't attending to Baby I. He said that I seemed to begin feeling a lot of pain when they popped my uterus onto my belly and began to clean it out. I could hear Baby I squawk once he was over with the NICU nurses at the warmer and through my pain I found this very reassuring.
C tried to hold Baby I up next to my face so that I could see him, but at that time the nausea had arrived and I remember turning away from the baby to avoid throwing up on him. After some fabulously violent dry heaves, I am still puke-free. I think they pushed more pain meds at this point because it gets fuzzy. I'm sure that they finished everything up nicely and I remember being wheeled out of the OR into the recovery room. C went with Baby I to the NICU of course, so I was alone with a nurse who kept very close track of me and they began a 24-hour push of magnesium sulfate through my IV. The "mag" as they all called it was a precaution due to the preeclamsia, specifically the high blood pressure, and it would prevent me from having a stroke or seizures (yes, this freaked my mom out terribly, but she didn't realize what it was for until later). Eventually, C came back to tell me how our son (!) was doing and all of the family in the waiting room began to trickle in. C was able to tell them that we had a boy and what his name would most likely be (after confirmation from me). I had the shakes the whole time in recovery (normal) and began feeling the effects of the mag a few hours later.
Birth story con't in another post.
So we showed up on Friday, on time and I tried not to cry as I signed in for my primary caesarean section. Mom came with C and I to the hospital, and sister B, Dad, C's mom, and a super close family friend came along later. One person I didn't expect was sister B's boyfriend of four years, J, who came in afterwards - so very sweet of him (two hour drive each way).
They prepped me with all sorts of IVs and compression stuff and explained everything very well. In the OR, the anesthesiologist kept me talking about Harry Potter while putting in my epidural, which was kind and probably made it go way better. They explained that I'd feel everything, but that there should be no actual pain. After the meds set in, I found it humorous to not feel my lower half as they splayed my legs to insert a catheter (one of the things I'm used to after IF?). All thirteen or so people in the room introduced themselves and told me what they'd be doing and the dr came in with C. She had told us that she hoped the baby was a girl because there is less to grab between the legs when they come out breech :-).
The surgery itself was not a fun time. I apparently can't tell the difference between the sensations (pulling, tugging, stretching) and pain, or else I was actually in pain. The anesthesiologist kept asking me if I was in pain and I kept saying that I didn't know, then he just started going off my facial expressions and pushed more pain meds. C was able to look over the curtain and let me know that we had a son, then he continued to watch the rest of the surgery when he wasn't attending to Baby I. He said that I seemed to begin feeling a lot of pain when they popped my uterus onto my belly and began to clean it out. I could hear Baby I squawk once he was over with the NICU nurses at the warmer and through my pain I found this very reassuring.
C tried to hold Baby I up next to my face so that I could see him, but at that time the nausea had arrived and I remember turning away from the baby to avoid throwing up on him. After some fabulously violent dry heaves, I am still puke-free. I think they pushed more pain meds at this point because it gets fuzzy. I'm sure that they finished everything up nicely and I remember being wheeled out of the OR into the recovery room. C went with Baby I to the NICU of course, so I was alone with a nurse who kept very close track of me and they began a 24-hour push of magnesium sulfate through my IV. The "mag" as they all called it was a precaution due to the preeclamsia, specifically the high blood pressure, and it would prevent me from having a stroke or seizures (yes, this freaked my mom out terribly, but she didn't realize what it was for until later). Eventually, C came back to tell me how our son (!) was doing and all of the family in the waiting room began to trickle in. C was able to tell them that we had a boy and what his name would most likely be (after confirmation from me). I had the shakes the whole time in recovery (normal) and began feeling the effects of the mag a few hours later.
Birth story con't in another post.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Announcement
Introducing our son, baby I:
Born Friday, May 25th at 135pm. He weighed 4lbs, 6oz and measured 17in long. Baby I squawked soon after birth and his dad watched most of the caesarean delivery. Mom (me!) did not enjoy the pain of the surgery, but has had a smooth recovery. Baby I was taken to the NICU because of birth weight and prematurity and is probably the most healthy baby there.
Currently, we are about six days from then and Baby I is still in the NICU and hoping to be discharged early next week. I plan on writing a birth story soon and will include the sequence of events that brought us to this point.
They matter, but they don't, because we are the parents we've tried for a long time to become. We are Baby I's loving parents. Finally.
- Posted from my mobile phone
Born Friday, May 25th at 135pm. He weighed 4lbs, 6oz and measured 17in long. Baby I squawked soon after birth and his dad watched most of the caesarean delivery. Mom (me!) did not enjoy the pain of the surgery, but has had a smooth recovery. Baby I was taken to the NICU because of birth weight and prematurity and is probably the most healthy baby there.
Currently, we are about six days from then and Baby I is still in the NICU and hoping to be discharged early next week. I plan on writing a birth story soon and will include the sequence of events that brought us to this point.
They matter, but they don't, because we are the parents we've tried for a long time to become. We are Baby I's loving parents. Finally.
- Posted from my mobile phone
Friday, May 25, 2012
Parameters of Operation Baby
Today my child will be born.
In a hospital via c-section. Over four weeks "early."
And I'm coming to terms with those facts this morning. Because I get to meet the him or her that has been beating my insides senseless for awhile now (but perhaps not long enough in the scheme of things). Which, in case any of you sense my ambiguity, qualifies as a Wonderful Thing. Bottom line is: after almost six years of heartbreak and wanting and trying, we get a live, mostly healthy baby today.
Obviously, there is more to write.
Baby: The baby is doing okay-ish. It passed the biophysical profile yesterday with an 8/8. The sono was a mixed bag: great parts, heart, diaphragm, movement, two legs, arms, kidneys, the cutest face/lips, good fluid, and hair all over the back of his/her head. Not-so-hot: "mature" (read: becoming crappier by the day) placenta, head circumference & belly both measuring two weeks behind. Definite small baby - in the lower 10th percentile. Nothing super worrisome by its self.
Me: still have a high bp, second round of lab work - blood was just fine, but the protein in my urine was terrible. Not bad, terrible. I'm not feeling well. Swelling is still present, of course.
So I had the doctor look at me yesterday and let me know that for the sake of both baby and me, it would be better if I was no longer pregnant and soon. We could wait a few days or a week for things to get really bad (i.e. baby and me become more sick), but now was the best time to get everything moving along - while we're both okay-ish. We agreed.
Baby is probably between 4.5-5.5lbs, but could surprise us. Baby is, from all testing, healthy and scrawny and a fighter. Dr said that in these situations, often baby does really well with the stress of arriving earth side early due to the experience of stress already inside a sick mom (me). We are probably looking at a (hopefully short) NICU stay due to age and size, but again, maybe not.
Baby is, of course, breech. Its tiny little hairy head is literally crammed up against my heart. This means a c-section surgery for us. I asked the dr about trying to flip the little tyke, but due to the stress already present, she recommended not to try.
And that's about it. Or, all that I have energy to write about. Someday you'll all get a birth story (another thing I didn't think I'd get the chance to do), but I imagine that's a few weeks down the road.
- Posted from my mobile phone
In a hospital via c-section. Over four weeks "early."
And I'm coming to terms with those facts this morning. Because I get to meet the him or her that has been beating my insides senseless for awhile now (but perhaps not long enough in the scheme of things). Which, in case any of you sense my ambiguity, qualifies as a Wonderful Thing. Bottom line is: after almost six years of heartbreak and wanting and trying, we get a live, mostly healthy baby today.
Obviously, there is more to write.
Baby: The baby is doing okay-ish. It passed the biophysical profile yesterday with an 8/8. The sono was a mixed bag: great parts, heart, diaphragm, movement, two legs, arms, kidneys, the cutest face/lips, good fluid, and hair all over the back of his/her head. Not-so-hot: "mature" (read: becoming crappier by the day) placenta, head circumference & belly both measuring two weeks behind. Definite small baby - in the lower 10th percentile. Nothing super worrisome by its self.
Me: still have a high bp, second round of lab work - blood was just fine, but the protein in my urine was terrible. Not bad, terrible. I'm not feeling well. Swelling is still present, of course.
So I had the doctor look at me yesterday and let me know that for the sake of both baby and me, it would be better if I was no longer pregnant and soon. We could wait a few days or a week for things to get really bad (i.e. baby and me become more sick), but now was the best time to get everything moving along - while we're both okay-ish. We agreed.
Baby is probably between 4.5-5.5lbs, but could surprise us. Baby is, from all testing, healthy and scrawny and a fighter. Dr said that in these situations, often baby does really well with the stress of arriving earth side early due to the experience of stress already inside a sick mom (me). We are probably looking at a (hopefully short) NICU stay due to age and size, but again, maybe not.
Baby is, of course, breech. Its tiny little hairy head is literally crammed up against my heart. This means a c-section surgery for us. I asked the dr about trying to flip the little tyke, but due to the stress already present, she recommended not to try.
And that's about it. Or, all that I have energy to write about. Someday you'll all get a birth story (another thing I didn't think I'd get the chance to do), but I imagine that's a few weeks down the road.
- Posted from my mobile phone
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Dr Visit Yesterday
We met with our new dr yesterday afternoon - C was able to take off from work and come along. That was the best thing because often my comfort level with a person, information or situation is compromised by his, so I really do need him to be comfortable with all of the above.
While this dr isn't incredibly timely (but I'm figuring I was worked in the same day, so) and desperately needs some music piped in to the office (usually I'd be the last one to say anything about that), she seems very good and straightforward and like she is going to take care of us. Aside from some magical occurrence, we will be delivering with her, at the hospital, probably in the next couple weeks - but not today.
We're still trying to wrap our heads around a hospital birth, most likely induction, and specifically this medical center (C is not a big fan). I'm going to go ahead and pre-register and see if we can book a tour. We're waiting on the doctor's recommendations for pediatricians to follow the kid once he/she arrives and especially if he/she needs time in the NICU. We'll hopefully be able to transfer care to one of my drs after hospital discharge. This medical center is good and capable and has a higher level NICU than the closer medical center that I work for, so this is all a good idea.
Right now, I'm doing more lab work for the dr = being very closely monitored. We'll go in for an US on Thursday to check on fetal growth and fluid levels. The visit yesterday was good because they could NOT get a high bp reading, but more concerning was again, protein (lots) in my urine which says my kidneys aren't doing so hot. All other tests say the rest of me is fine (liver, heart, assort organs) and the baby is fine. What we are doing now is a balancing act (per the dr) of how long can we keep baby inside while my body is breaking down. Eventually one will affect the other, but it isn't right now.
Which is all the dr could promise, "I don't think you need to be in the hospital today." So we're waiting on lab results and the US for the next step. I guess I was right, for the next few weeks it will either be 1) monitor and see, or 2) induce.
Now, what I've come to find in the meantime is that my situation isn't at all rare. Lots of women have been induced early and many for these issues - all of the experiences end with healthy babies and moms - which I really appreciate hearing. I'm concerned (as I'm sure each of those mothers were) about what's best for my baby and how we're going to keep me healthy in the meantime. I'm trying to take a few moments to reconcile what we wanted (8lb, full/post-term birth center/water birth delivery, midwives, no pain meds, no nursery, no induction, etc.) with what we are going to do (dr, med center, induction, early baby, possible NICU, possible pain meds, etc.). I trust my providers and my support people and that they are making the best decisions for us - it's just going to take me a bit to reorganize all of the plans in my head. I keep writing it (and saying it, but you all can't hear me), but healthy baby and me are the most important outcomes.
Two other things I'm trying to wrap my head around: dr's calling for/hoping for a 5-5.5lb baby - possibly scrawny, but fighting and healthy. Still trying to figure out if this is my fault somehow. Can I prevent it next time? Will there be a next time? Dealing with some of the disbelief that after all of the crap we went through to get to this point - there's more? I didn't expect a gold pass, but I hoped. Shouldn't have.
- Posted from my mobile phone
While this dr isn't incredibly timely (but I'm figuring I was worked in the same day, so) and desperately needs some music piped in to the office (usually I'd be the last one to say anything about that), she seems very good and straightforward and like she is going to take care of us. Aside from some magical occurrence, we will be delivering with her, at the hospital, probably in the next couple weeks - but not today.
We're still trying to wrap our heads around a hospital birth, most likely induction, and specifically this medical center (C is not a big fan). I'm going to go ahead and pre-register and see if we can book a tour. We're waiting on the doctor's recommendations for pediatricians to follow the kid once he/she arrives and especially if he/she needs time in the NICU. We'll hopefully be able to transfer care to one of my drs after hospital discharge. This medical center is good and capable and has a higher level NICU than the closer medical center that I work for, so this is all a good idea.
Right now, I'm doing more lab work for the dr = being very closely monitored. We'll go in for an US on Thursday to check on fetal growth and fluid levels. The visit yesterday was good because they could NOT get a high bp reading, but more concerning was again, protein (lots) in my urine which says my kidneys aren't doing so hot. All other tests say the rest of me is fine (liver, heart, assort organs) and the baby is fine. What we are doing now is a balancing act (per the dr) of how long can we keep baby inside while my body is breaking down. Eventually one will affect the other, but it isn't right now.
Which is all the dr could promise, "I don't think you need to be in the hospital today." So we're waiting on lab results and the US for the next step. I guess I was right, for the next few weeks it will either be 1) monitor and see, or 2) induce.
Now, what I've come to find in the meantime is that my situation isn't at all rare. Lots of women have been induced early and many for these issues - all of the experiences end with healthy babies and moms - which I really appreciate hearing. I'm concerned (as I'm sure each of those mothers were) about what's best for my baby and how we're going to keep me healthy in the meantime. I'm trying to take a few moments to reconcile what we wanted (8lb, full/post-term birth center/water birth delivery, midwives, no pain meds, no nursery, no induction, etc.) with what we are going to do (dr, med center, induction, early baby, possible NICU, possible pain meds, etc.). I trust my providers and my support people and that they are making the best decisions for us - it's just going to take me a bit to reorganize all of the plans in my head. I keep writing it (and saying it, but you all can't hear me), but healthy baby and me are the most important outcomes.
Two other things I'm trying to wrap my head around: dr's calling for/hoping for a 5-5.5lb baby - possibly scrawny, but fighting and healthy. Still trying to figure out if this is my fault somehow. Can I prevent it next time? Will there be a next time? Dealing with some of the disbelief that after all of the crap we went through to get to this point - there's more? I didn't expect a gold pass, but I hoped. Shouldn't have.
- Posted from my mobile phone
Monday, May 21, 2012
Almost 35 weeks
Well, it was a nice weekend until the call from the MW this morning. I delivered my 24 hours of urine on Thursday evening and was sort of waiting for the results. Thankfully the MW was blunt (I understand that better):
*24 hour urine results were bad = tons of protein in urine
*MW is sending me to their OB doctor today
*No more work until baby arrives
*Pre-preeclampsic, possible HELLP syndrome (do NOT google!)
*Probably not having a birth center birth
*Depending on what the OB says, possible induction
We're waiting on the appointment with the OB this afternoon until we'll know more or be able to answer our own questions, but most of them can only go two ways: 1) wait and see, 2) get baby out.
That said, I am scared and sad for the whole host of reasons you all can imagine, but know that I want a healthy baby and a healthy me more than anything. So we'll be doing whatever the doctor says. I also want to mention that I still think I did the right thing for us by going with the midwives. At 32 weeks things shifted and they kept an eye on them while letting us know that swelling is normal and high bp could be an anomaly (terrible traffic, personal stress, etc.). But at 34 weeks, when nothing changed, tests were immediately ordered and answers found, which is why they are turning me (and all of my records) over to their OB dr. I still have a doula that will go with me anywhere (home, hospital, birth center) and midwives that care, but are referring me to more advanced care with a physician. I still think it's who you surround yourself with that matters more than the location of your birth. We'll see.
- Posted from my mobile phone
*24 hour urine results were bad = tons of protein in urine
*MW is sending me to their OB doctor today
*No more work until baby arrives
*Pre-preeclampsic, possible HELLP syndrome (do NOT google!)
*Probably not having a birth center birth
*Depending on what the OB says, possible induction
We're waiting on the appointment with the OB this afternoon until we'll know more or be able to answer our own questions, but most of them can only go two ways: 1) wait and see, 2) get baby out.
That said, I am scared and sad for the whole host of reasons you all can imagine, but know that I want a healthy baby and a healthy me more than anything. So we'll be doing whatever the doctor says. I also want to mention that I still think I did the right thing for us by going with the midwives. At 32 weeks things shifted and they kept an eye on them while letting us know that swelling is normal and high bp could be an anomaly (terrible traffic, personal stress, etc.). But at 34 weeks, when nothing changed, tests were immediately ordered and answers found, which is why they are turning me (and all of my records) over to their OB dr. I still have a doula that will go with me anywhere (home, hospital, birth center) and midwives that care, but are referring me to more advanced care with a physician. I still think it's who you surround yourself with that matters more than the location of your birth. We'll see.
- Posted from my mobile phone
Friday, May 18, 2012
A (not-exhaustive) List of Worries
Well, being off work for a little bit might result in more blogging. Because, what else am I supposed to do with my feet up? I'd explain the long, stressful story about why I can't buy things, but I might save that one so my BP doesn't go sky high.
I am worried that some of these issues I'm having are my fault (everyone, including midwives and C say no) and that somehow makes me a bad mom. Already. Haven't even gotten the kid earthside and a bad mother.
I am worried that if my issues don't get any better (and the scary word the midwives haven't used and we are not using is preeclamsia - Google it) that they'll have to take the baby, which worries me because: premature baby, feeding/breathing issues, pitocin induction, cesarean, etc.
I am worried that we don't have a car seat yet. Or a pack n play, which we are planning to use the bassinet part on. I also haven't figured out diapers and what if breastfeeding doesn't go well?
I'm worried that my mom is out of town and is going out of town again in early June. I will need my mom if something happens.
I'm worried that I'm using up my "maternity" leave to stay home with my feet up for half days. While I understand how necessary, I was really looking forward to 12 weeks with the little one.
I am aware that worrying isn't doing me any good and isn't helping my health issues, so what I'm going to do is this: keep my feet up, rest a bit longer, go find a few things to eat with loads of protein (maybe some eggs, kefir, Greek yogurt to start the day off?), take alfalfa sprouts, chlorophyll, and a probiotic (per mw), hydrate like it is going out of style, keep an eye out for the baby gear we still need, and talk to HR when I get into work today to see what the plan is. I think I can handle that today.
Childbirth Education II for tomorrow morning - newborn care, and Water in Labor and Birth tomorrow afternoon (if we choose a waterbirth). I can deliver at the birth center as long as I reach 37 weeks, so that is the nearest goal right now.
I am worried that some of these issues I'm having are my fault (everyone, including midwives and C say no) and that somehow makes me a bad mom. Already. Haven't even gotten the kid earthside and a bad mother.
I am worried that if my issues don't get any better (and the scary word the midwives haven't used and we are not using is preeclamsia - Google it) that they'll have to take the baby, which worries me because: premature baby, feeding/breathing issues, pitocin induction, cesarean, etc.
I am worried that we don't have a car seat yet. Or a pack n play, which we are planning to use the bassinet part on. I also haven't figured out diapers and what if breastfeeding doesn't go well?
I'm worried that my mom is out of town and is going out of town again in early June. I will need my mom if something happens.
I'm worried that I'm using up my "maternity" leave to stay home with my feet up for half days. While I understand how necessary, I was really looking forward to 12 weeks with the little one.
I am aware that worrying isn't doing me any good and isn't helping my health issues, so what I'm going to do is this: keep my feet up, rest a bit longer, go find a few things to eat with loads of protein (maybe some eggs, kefir, Greek yogurt to start the day off?), take alfalfa sprouts, chlorophyll, and a probiotic (per mw), hydrate like it is going out of style, keep an eye out for the baby gear we still need, and talk to HR when I get into work today to see what the plan is. I think I can handle that today.
Childbirth Education II for tomorrow morning - newborn care, and Water in Labor and Birth tomorrow afternoon (if we choose a waterbirth). I can deliver at the birth center as long as I reach 37 weeks, so that is the nearest goal right now.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
34 Weeks & Counting
We are currently 34 weeks pregnant. And yes, I lost track sometime in the last few weeks and was telling everyone that we were about 32 weeks pregnant for at least two weeks - oh, well. Probably because at 32 weeks, my midwives took a high blood pressure reading and it took about 20 minutes to come down. Then they noticed the swelling in my feet and commented on that. Oh, and measured me and said I was about two weeks behind. All of these things are common in pregnancy - from what I'm learning from my friends. I mean, my blood pressure DID come down, I was given some advice to combat the swelling, and really, measuring behind when you start out my size isn't a big deal (keep telling me that!).
So, I went back in to see the midwives yesterday and knew they weren't going to be thrilled with me. Why? Despite my best efforts (which included increasing protein intake, keeping my feet up, and wearing compression maternity pantyhose - yes, I do hate doing that, thanks for asking), my feet and ankles were still very swollen and I hadn't even had the nerve to take my blood pressure at work (an incredibly stressful environment right now). Sure enough, another high blood pressure reading (have I mentioned yet that I usually run low?), they noticed the swelling, and the next comment was, "Can you stop working?"
Uh, yes I can, but I was really hoping to avoid that. We agreed on 4 hours/day for the next two weeks, possibly no more work after that if things haven't improved. They are running blood & urine tests to check everything out (yes, protein was found in my urine as well). This is all coming from the midwife who has provided maternity care all over the world (i.e. Haiti & Africa), so I'm assuming she doesn't just run tests and take women out of work for fun. I trust them and that they want the best outcome for me and this baby, but this not working/somewhat bedrest thing is going to be difficult. They said they wouldn't be as concerned if some of these things (the swelling) were happening in another couple weeks, but 32/34 weeks is a little early.
The good stuff? I'm still pregnant and mostly healthy and the baby is healthy, if small. I don't think that child'o'mine and I will achieve that 8lb mark I was hoping for, but we all know that really, I meant healthy and alive. I'm still so grateful to have gotten this far and carried this kid. I had so many worry-free weeks in the middle (months?) that all of this stuff towards the end, while concerning, can be monitored and helped. And I am well aware from my reading that everyday and then every week that we can keep this baby inside is a huge thing, a giant benefit to both me and her/him.
So, I went back in to see the midwives yesterday and knew they weren't going to be thrilled with me. Why? Despite my best efforts (which included increasing protein intake, keeping my feet up, and wearing compression maternity pantyhose - yes, I do hate doing that, thanks for asking), my feet and ankles were still very swollen and I hadn't even had the nerve to take my blood pressure at work (an incredibly stressful environment right now). Sure enough, another high blood pressure reading (have I mentioned yet that I usually run low?), they noticed the swelling, and the next comment was, "Can you stop working?"
Uh, yes I can, but I was really hoping to avoid that. We agreed on 4 hours/day for the next two weeks, possibly no more work after that if things haven't improved. They are running blood & urine tests to check everything out (yes, protein was found in my urine as well). This is all coming from the midwife who has provided maternity care all over the world (i.e. Haiti & Africa), so I'm assuming she doesn't just run tests and take women out of work for fun. I trust them and that they want the best outcome for me and this baby, but this not working/somewhat bedrest thing is going to be difficult. They said they wouldn't be as concerned if some of these things (the swelling) were happening in another couple weeks, but 32/34 weeks is a little early.
The good stuff? I'm still pregnant and mostly healthy and the baby is healthy, if small. I don't think that child'o'mine and I will achieve that 8lb mark I was hoping for, but we all know that really, I meant healthy and alive. I'm still so grateful to have gotten this far and carried this kid. I had so many worry-free weeks in the middle (months?) that all of this stuff towards the end, while concerning, can be monitored and helped. And I am well aware from my reading that everyday and then every week that we can keep this baby inside is a huge thing, a giant benefit to both me and her/him.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Almost 29 Weeks = Third Trimester
Holy cow, we're at 28 weeks. Viable. Precious. Third trimester. Very much alive and active. Holy cow. Seriously now.
Some might ask what I expected to happen when we took the steps we did in August/September. Well, honestly, as I've written before, I expected more hardship. I wasn't sure or unsure if IVF would work. I had no clue. I was viscerally SURPRISED when the nurse called and told me I was pregnant. Do you guys know about that type of disbelief? It is surreal. It was the beginning of thoughts of what if . . . that finally finally fell into the positive category. What if we make it to twelve weeks? What if I'm still pregnant by Christmas? What if I actually get to tell people? What if I get big? What if I get to feel a baby inside of me? What if people actually notice that I'm pregnant? What if we have a baby in June/July? What if we get a child, a baby, that is a combination of C and me to cherish and raise? What if? No, I didn't let myself go to those places before. I didn't even figure out a theoretical "due date" when we knew the timing of the retrieval and transfer.
As for the rest of the update? I feel HUGE, but keep getting told that I'm not and that I'm super cute. I find it a little painful when this creature inside rolls, flips and kicks. The belly feels quite heavy, I'm sure to only get heavier (I am aiming for a week "past due" and over eight pounds). My sciatic is bothering me, my back is bothering me, I can't sleep and sometimes I can't breathe, but it's all totally worth it. So very strange to be noticeably pregnant so that random people comment on it. It's probably a combination of me getting bigger and wearing summery, tighter clothing. I registered the weekend past - for baby things, a soccer ball and a Kitchen Aid mixer (no, I'm not kidding - baby will eventually need cinnamon rolls like me and Grandpa and for that, I need a dough hook). It was overwhelming and scary, but Mom helped and I'm glad we got it done. I'm clueless about baby things and baby care, so I gathered A LOT of advice from mommy friends - it's absolutely invaluable. Most think I'm having a boy by the way that I'm carrying this baby, which might work to our advantage as we're having a much easier time with boy names than girl names. I'm so excited to meet this little dude(tte) - we'll have a name after that meeting, I think. I'm keeping appointments with my midwives, interviewing some doulas, going to see a prenatal chiropractor and a naturopath soon. Lining up photography (I think I'll really appreciate it later - no matter what happens). Childbirth classes are later this month, water-birth class and breastfeeding as well. Still trying to decide about diapers - all somewhat mundane, but so important and exciting to me right now.
Sometimes I sit back and think about the big picture. We'll have an infant over Thanksgiving. For Christmas. Next Easter. Maybe by the 4th of July. This is crazy. There is every probable chance that I'm going to be a mom. Wow.
Friday, April 6, 2012
September 20, 2011 Post
*Because this old one was funny. To me :-)
Sunday night, right now, in two weeks even.
All good times to NOT reassess anything about my life. Seriously. And I keep reminding myself of this very real fact.
Because right now, I am injecting drugs that manipulate my brain, bloodstream and hormone levels. That is serious stuff there. Each night I am grabing a vial of who-knows-what, a syringe with a needle, the required alcohol swab and jabing myself in the abdomen. I'm getting better at it. Or worse at it, I'm not sure.
This is all the change I can deal with right now. On the list of things that I'm not dealing with for a few weeks are:
Radical clothing style changes. Marriage arguments: big small important dumb financial sexual. Body image (further explained later). Deep meaningful how-the-world-came-to-be or how-to-fix-our-mother-earth discussions. My opinions about further piercings or initial tattoos (enough needles, really). Serious friendship evaulations - we can hash these out if necessary in a month or so. School, as I have been granted official entry into the librarianshipenhoodsmith program and have yet to sign my acceptance letter (I'm also crusing through that pre-requisite class that I care little about). There are probably other things I just won't be able to deal with.
So there is a lot of trust happening right now. I am trusting we made the right decision and I need to let everything else ride. Just go to work, come home, eat and inject. Take one day at a time, prepare for tomorrow, but no further. I've never done that before. Willingly. I am trusting that my body will (no actual ending to this sentence)
You should see what I just emailed my friends. It was funny. To me. In a sick twisted way.
(I think this was the email, but not sure) Bring on the blousey shirts/dresses, the bloating is about to get out of control. The only thing worse than being asked if you're pregnant and not being, is being asked while going through IF treatments (take a moment and imagine that heartbreaking mindfuck for a moment). So yeah, I'm trying to avoid that after everyone is leaping to that conclusion with the heartburn thing. I figure, wearing mostly blousey, but interspersing (on skinny days when I don't eat) with tighter tees/belts won't allow any terrible conclusions. This bloating is only set to get worse over the next three weeks though. Should I make some muu-muus? Also, the bloating can be painful while trying to sleep because where do you put the strangely distended belly?
Good lord, only obese people are sitting in the carry out parking slots at Applebee's with me. Is that a message?
Also, word to the wise. Blog post coming soon. Maybe. If I can organize thoughts coherently. Now is not a good time for serious changes involving me or not involving me. Like no random decisions to move or "discuss" our friendships or call me a selfish whore or even decide a third or fourth child is right for your families. Seriously, I am emotionally unstable. If you've got massive stuff, just let it ride for three to five weeks before telling me, okay? Because I am not okay. Like I am in my head when rational Anne is home, but when that controlling coke whore leaves for a grocery pick up, all is not good in the hood. Got it? Love you both, please don't be casualties. So far, so good, but I'm on guard. I just want a baby, damnit. See, and truly, that's your reward - another snotty fussy human-in-waiting for the flock because I want to CONTRIBUTE for goshdarnsake.
Ahh, all written with a teaspoon of sugar. Sort of. Except that life changes thing. Because I am a selfish whore - I just don't want you mentioning it for awhile, okay?
- Posted from my mobile phone
Sunday night, right now, in two weeks even.
All good times to NOT reassess anything about my life. Seriously. And I keep reminding myself of this very real fact.
Because right now, I am injecting drugs that manipulate my brain, bloodstream and hormone levels. That is serious stuff there. Each night I am grabing a vial of who-knows-what, a syringe with a needle, the required alcohol swab and jabing myself in the abdomen. I'm getting better at it. Or worse at it, I'm not sure.
This is all the change I can deal with right now. On the list of things that I'm not dealing with for a few weeks are:
Radical clothing style changes. Marriage arguments: big small important dumb financial sexual. Body image (further explained later). Deep meaningful how-the-world-came-to-be or how-to-fix-our-mother-earth discussions. My opinions about further piercings or initial tattoos (enough needles, really). Serious friendship evaulations - we can hash these out if necessary in a month or so. School, as I have been granted official entry into the librarianshipenhoodsmith program and have yet to sign my acceptance letter (I'm also crusing through that pre-requisite class that I care little about). There are probably other things I just won't be able to deal with.
So there is a lot of trust happening right now. I am trusting we made the right decision and I need to let everything else ride. Just go to work, come home, eat and inject. Take one day at a time, prepare for tomorrow, but no further. I've never done that before. Willingly. I am trusting that my body will (no actual ending to this sentence)
You should see what I just emailed my friends. It was funny. To me. In a sick twisted way.
(I think this was the email, but not sure) Bring on the blousey shirts/dresses, the bloating is about to get out of control. The only thing worse than being asked if you're pregnant and not being, is being asked while going through IF treatments (take a moment and imagine that heartbreaking mindfuck for a moment). So yeah, I'm trying to avoid that after everyone is leaping to that conclusion with the heartburn thing. I figure, wearing mostly blousey, but interspersing (on skinny days when I don't eat) with tighter tees/belts won't allow any terrible conclusions. This bloating is only set to get worse over the next three weeks though. Should I make some muu-muus? Also, the bloating can be painful while trying to sleep because where do you put the strangely distended belly?
Good lord, only obese people are sitting in the carry out parking slots at Applebee's with me. Is that a message?
Also, word to the wise. Blog post coming soon. Maybe. If I can organize thoughts coherently. Now is not a good time for serious changes involving me or not involving me. Like no random decisions to move or "discuss" our friendships or call me a selfish whore or even decide a third or fourth child is right for your families. Seriously, I am emotionally unstable. If you've got massive stuff, just let it ride for three to five weeks before telling me, okay? Because I am not okay. Like I am in my head when rational Anne is home, but when that controlling coke whore leaves for a grocery pick up, all is not good in the hood. Got it? Love you both, please don't be casualties. So far, so good, but I'm on guard. I just want a baby, damnit. See, and truly, that's your reward - another snotty fussy human-in-waiting for the flock because I want to CONTRIBUTE for goshdarnsake.
Ahh, all written with a teaspoon of sugar. Sort of. Except that life changes thing. Because I am a selfish whore - I just don't want you mentioning it for awhile, okay?
- Posted from my mobile phone
Saturday, March 10, 2012
24 Weeks + & Joyful News
Rounding the corner into 25 weeks and I still smile whenever I think about the child who will join us in about four months. He/she still moves around quite a bit in there and I think it is the strangest thing to be driving or at work and feel this whole shift or sharp jab in the lower regions. Getting really excited about meeting Thump and figuring out the little developing personality. I've been reading more about labor, birth, and breastfeeding - in addition to getting loads of advice (most taken with a grain of salt). There will probably eventually be a pregnancy picture - if I can get around to it - mostly because this growing is hilarious. I can still do a lot with clothing, play up the belly, downplay it (much more often) - in fact, when I wear something that makes the belly front and center, I am surprised by the response (and usually I didn't realize that shirt would create that effect). Per what I expected, I am uncomfortable and I that as I get bigger, it will get worse, but I have that end goal in sight: baby.
In extra wonderful news, we have a slew of friends that are newly pregnant! If you recall, I can attract fellow infertiles and all other sorts easily, so most of these couples have overcome something to achieve these pregnancies. Because we all need a little goodness and hope, friends of friends used IUIs to create son #1 and are now pregnant with son #2 without any assistance, a dear friend and coworker is seven weeks along (heartbeat heard this week!!!) with her first attempt at IVF, good friends are pregnant with #2 & farther along than they thought after a miscarriage last year (heartbeat heard this week!!!), and far from the least, friends moved away are pregnant with #2, who will join his/her almost 6yo sister (another heartbeat heard this week!!!)! I'm filled with joy for all of these couples and am desperately hoping that two more of our couple friends are added to the ranks very very soon. And yes, heartbeats heard for a tiny baby are what make that little person incredibly real to me, so the three exclamation excitement is so necessary!
I just walked into the bathroom to look for something (soap?) and ran face into my red sharps container for all of the needles we used during IVF. Stark reminder, huh? I'm going to take a chance and dispose of it. I hope that I never have to see so many needles, vials of medication, and a sharps container ever again. So grateful for what those products were able to help us achieve, still don't like them. Will there always be this small difference between my pregnancy and the 99% of others? There has been discussion around the ALI community lately that tiptoes around the infertile (in the trenches, not yet pregnant) versus the pregnant/parenting infertile - and how connected the latter is to the community. I don't think I can forget what we went through for five years to get here - even if we wanted to. But that's probably a much longer, more thoughtful post.
I'm going to keep reveling in the joy of announcements and heartbeats this week.
In extra wonderful news, we have a slew of friends that are newly pregnant! If you recall, I can attract fellow infertiles and all other sorts easily, so most of these couples have overcome something to achieve these pregnancies. Because we all need a little goodness and hope, friends of friends used IUIs to create son #1 and are now pregnant with son #2 without any assistance, a dear friend and coworker is seven weeks along (heartbeat heard this week!!!) with her first attempt at IVF, good friends are pregnant with #2 & farther along than they thought after a miscarriage last year (heartbeat heard this week!!!), and far from the least, friends moved away are pregnant with #2, who will join his/her almost 6yo sister (another heartbeat heard this week!!!)! I'm filled with joy for all of these couples and am desperately hoping that two more of our couple friends are added to the ranks very very soon. And yes, heartbeats heard for a tiny baby are what make that little person incredibly real to me, so the three exclamation excitement is so necessary!
I just walked into the bathroom to look for something (soap?) and ran face into my red sharps container for all of the needles we used during IVF. Stark reminder, huh? I'm going to take a chance and dispose of it. I hope that I never have to see so many needles, vials of medication, and a sharps container ever again. So grateful for what those products were able to help us achieve, still don't like them. Will there always be this small difference between my pregnancy and the 99% of others? There has been discussion around the ALI community lately that tiptoes around the infertile (in the trenches, not yet pregnant) versus the pregnant/parenting infertile - and how connected the latter is to the community. I don't think I can forget what we went through for five years to get here - even if we wanted to. But that's probably a much longer, more thoughtful post.
I'm going to keep reveling in the joy of announcements and heartbeats this week.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Introducing Thumper & Viability
Viability. Officially, by some, 23 weeks pregnant. Which is today. Which means if this baby was born now, there would be a chance at life. Actual percentage statistics, however small, in his or her favor. A bit mind-blowing, yet another of the milestones I was aiming for. A weird sense of security, if you will.
Unofficially, this dude or dudette that lives in my belly is called Thumper. Because that's what she does ALL THE TIME. Not quite sure if he is rearranging or if she feels cramped (really? because it will get worse . . .), but there is a lot of movement. I'm lucky, if uncomfortable.
I write uncomfortable not to complain, but to describe these massive changes my body is going through to accommodate our little creature. It's so strange to me all the changes in my belly, breasts, and sleeping ability, to name a few. While I've been counseled to not go overboard on purchasing maternity clothes, I will say that comfortable clothes are worth every dollar. I'm also getting used to going about everyday tasks and being randomly kicked - it can be distracting and a little painful!
I'm still reading a ton on birth and breastfeeding, do more to come on that. Hopeful that things will go well and breastfeeding will come easily. Still so grateful for all the joy at our news, the excitement at each development, and the outpouring of helpful advice.
Monday, February 13, 2012
And it Continues . . .
I will be 21 weeks pregnant tomorrow and that kind of blows my mind. I keep writing it, but I think I had myself convinced that this would not happen for us. And now, I’ve been able to push most of the traumatic outcomes to the farthest corners of my mind, while remaining aware, of course. It’s just that at this point, after the ultrasounds and the heartbeat checks and the faith of so many around us, I’ve started to believe that we will bring home a baby in another four and a half months.
The reality of a baby, our baby, is still surreal and I don’t think that I will fully “get it” until they hand me (or I reach down for) a real, live infant. And from the stories being told, I’m reassured that sometimes it doesn’t set in for new moms until the baby is here – it’s not just me. Although, some of those feelings are also contributing to the denial of the need for stuff. I can’t believe how much stuff our society thinks a baby needs. Babble.com’s list was for the Top 100 Newborn Essentials. Seriously? I don’t need to be lost in stuff; I just need enough to adequately take care of my kid.
In the more about me section, I had an ultrasound at 19 weeks, 2 days that confirmed our child was alive, has kidneys, a spine, a four-chambered heart and loads of other essential structures and organs that make life a real possibility. I haven’t felt the baby move much, but last night, after a glass of lemonade, I felt the thumping* that had become familiar. I tried to figure out if I could feel it externally and sure enough, I was able to call C over and he felt the thumping too. So I’m guessing that this child is taking after me and thoroughly enjoys sugary foods and drinks (and perhaps, likes to kick things?). *I’ve felt what I call thumping, but since it was different from the bubbles or flutters that everyone talks about, I just assumed it was something else – that and I’m not often still or quiet enough to sense these types of things. It was all pretty cool.
I also wanted to mention that this past Saturday was the fifth anniversary of when we lost our first pregnancy. I’ve been quietly aware that the date was creeping up on us, the awareness that I wrote about last year that seems to make February a little dark for me. That hasn’t happened at all this year. There are still small issues surrounding that loss that float around in my head, but I think that I’ve come to terms with what it was and what it meant for us. I find the five years between pregnancies quite outrageous actually. There are two main contributing factors to the length of time between pregnancies: first, my doctors’ inability to admit there may be a reproductive issue in an otherwise healthy 23-year-old (aka, ignorance and being ignored by the medical profession), and second, us taking our time, figuring out our options, hearts, and finances before bringing in the big guns (aka IVF) after trying everything else. While I am thankful that time was on our side, I am disappointed (still) that I wasn’t taken seriously by my doctors when I thought something was wrong. I’m disappointed that they treated me like a child, refused my research and collected information, were reluctant to run the simplest tests, and randomly prescribed medication to “make me happy.” It took me a year and a half to find doctors that believed and supported me, doctors who helped me. Although, it took me even longer than that to deal with losing a much wanted pregnancy. Without formal acknowledgment, I think this pregnancy has done a lot for my healing process. And again, I am so thankful to be in this position.
Laugher ensues when I point out my protruding belly. The once-slender girl isn't so slender anymore and there has been some serious growth since 16 or 17 weeks. I think it's meant a lot for my parents and sister to see my body change (did that sound creepy? Was not intended to).
So for now.
The reality of a baby, our baby, is still surreal and I don’t think that I will fully “get it” until they hand me (or I reach down for) a real, live infant. And from the stories being told, I’m reassured that sometimes it doesn’t set in for new moms until the baby is here – it’s not just me. Although, some of those feelings are also contributing to the denial of the need for stuff. I can’t believe how much stuff our society thinks a baby needs. Babble.com’s list was for the Top 100 Newborn Essentials. Seriously? I don’t need to be lost in stuff; I just need enough to adequately take care of my kid.
In the more about me section, I had an ultrasound at 19 weeks, 2 days that confirmed our child was alive, has kidneys, a spine, a four-chambered heart and loads of other essential structures and organs that make life a real possibility. I haven’t felt the baby move much, but last night, after a glass of lemonade, I felt the thumping* that had become familiar. I tried to figure out if I could feel it externally and sure enough, I was able to call C over and he felt the thumping too. So I’m guessing that this child is taking after me and thoroughly enjoys sugary foods and drinks (and perhaps, likes to kick things?). *I’ve felt what I call thumping, but since it was different from the bubbles or flutters that everyone talks about, I just assumed it was something else – that and I’m not often still or quiet enough to sense these types of things. It was all pretty cool.
I also wanted to mention that this past Saturday was the fifth anniversary of when we lost our first pregnancy. I’ve been quietly aware that the date was creeping up on us, the awareness that I wrote about last year that seems to make February a little dark for me. That hasn’t happened at all this year. There are still small issues surrounding that loss that float around in my head, but I think that I’ve come to terms with what it was and what it meant for us. I find the five years between pregnancies quite outrageous actually. There are two main contributing factors to the length of time between pregnancies: first, my doctors’ inability to admit there may be a reproductive issue in an otherwise healthy 23-year-old (aka, ignorance and being ignored by the medical profession), and second, us taking our time, figuring out our options, hearts, and finances before bringing in the big guns (aka IVF) after trying everything else. While I am thankful that time was on our side, I am disappointed (still) that I wasn’t taken seriously by my doctors when I thought something was wrong. I’m disappointed that they treated me like a child, refused my research and collected information, were reluctant to run the simplest tests, and randomly prescribed medication to “make me happy.” It took me a year and a half to find doctors that believed and supported me, doctors who helped me. Although, it took me even longer than that to deal with losing a much wanted pregnancy. Without formal acknowledgment, I think this pregnancy has done a lot for my healing process. And again, I am so thankful to be in this position.
Laugher ensues when I point out my protruding belly. The once-slender girl isn't so slender anymore and there has been some serious growth since 16 or 17 weeks. I think it's meant a lot for my parents and sister to see my body change (did that sound creepy? Was not intended to).
So for now.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
A Few of the Early, Previously Unpublished Posts
9dp5dt HCG Levels
IF people know that code, but it translates to nine days past a five day (age of embryos) transfer. You'll also see 14dpo (days past ovulation), but since I didn't really ovulate (my sea turtle eggs were retrieved, thank you), the title is more accurate. It's also the date on which my clinic does the first HCG beta.
Mine was 194. Anything over 5 is pregnant. So, despite me practically convincing myself the opposite, I am a little tiny bit pregnant. By the numbers. I cried when I asked the nurse if it was good news or bad news and continued crying through the rest of the call. While reminding her I needed another prescription for suppositories (gel = way better). Then I hyperventilated. Sister B talked me down.
Then I got to call C. Whose response was something like, "No shit?" Which, in all reality, is my response as well. Because we don't get pregnant. Anyway, his boss proceeded to buy him lunch. Which is only worth mentioning because I wanted Mexican food and C took me to the same restaurant he had lunch at. Funny guy.
We're cautiously optimistic. I have another blood test on Thursday morning and the HCG number needs to double for this to be a viable pregnancy. We're trying really hard to take one day at a time and enjoy every moment - just hyperaware that it might not last.
Symptoms: nothing that can't be attributed to the progesterone: nausea (not terrible), insane hunger & thirst, sore swollen chest, gas, waking to go to the bathroom at night, exhaustion, bloating (actually, the post-retrieval pain and bloating have returned, which makes me think I had a real mild case of OHSS, because if HCG triggers it, then the first round was triggered by the HCG shot and this round by actual pregnant HCG in my bloodstream) and so I feel like crap and am wondering if this is just how it's going to be. Which is just fine with me. For awhile.
- Posted from my mobile phone
11dp5dt and Hoping
There is something akin to hope waking up in my life. I went back to the clinic this morning to have a second bloodraw.
N, the receptionist (whom I've had to warm up to me), smiled and said, "You have good numbers."
B, the lab tech, smiled and told me congratulations. He said I looked much happier and much calmer this morning. He also said that they were all so excited when my test came back positive. While he hasn't been there the whole time, I've been a patient for three entire years as of September this year.
Nurse J called this morning and wanted to make sure I had my prescription for the progesterone. And she told me my HCG was 456, which is perfect and the doubling I needed. So we scheduled an early ob (her words) ultrasound in about two weeks.
I want to see a heartbeat. That's the next step. I still feel like crap - all this tugging and stretching and cramping in my abdomen. But it's okay.
- Posted from my mobile phone
Five Weeks
1. Feeling so grateful and blessed to be pregnant. It's a little bit surreal, as our last pregnancy was celebrated almost five years ago.
2. I look pregnant. To me. I'm still a little swollen from enlarged ovaries from the IVF process. And I put on some weight during that same process. I am not imagining this as there is not a pair of my pants I can zip or button.
- Posted from my mobile phone
- Posted from my mobile phone
IF people know that code, but it translates to nine days past a five day (age of embryos) transfer. You'll also see 14dpo (days past ovulation), but since I didn't really ovulate (my sea turtle eggs were retrieved, thank you), the title is more accurate. It's also the date on which my clinic does the first HCG beta.
Mine was 194. Anything over 5 is pregnant. So, despite me practically convincing myself the opposite, I am a little tiny bit pregnant. By the numbers. I cried when I asked the nurse if it was good news or bad news and continued crying through the rest of the call. While reminding her I needed another prescription for suppositories (gel = way better). Then I hyperventilated. Sister B talked me down.
Then I got to call C. Whose response was something like, "No shit?" Which, in all reality, is my response as well. Because we don't get pregnant. Anyway, his boss proceeded to buy him lunch. Which is only worth mentioning because I wanted Mexican food and C took me to the same restaurant he had lunch at. Funny guy.
We're cautiously optimistic. I have another blood test on Thursday morning and the HCG number needs to double for this to be a viable pregnancy. We're trying really hard to take one day at a time and enjoy every moment - just hyperaware that it might not last.
Symptoms: nothing that can't be attributed to the progesterone: nausea (not terrible), insane hunger & thirst, sore swollen chest, gas, waking to go to the bathroom at night, exhaustion, bloating (actually, the post-retrieval pain and bloating have returned, which makes me think I had a real mild case of OHSS, because if HCG triggers it, then the first round was triggered by the HCG shot and this round by actual pregnant HCG in my bloodstream) and so I feel like crap and am wondering if this is just how it's going to be. Which is just fine with me. For awhile.
- Posted from my mobile phone
11dp5dt and Hoping
There is something akin to hope waking up in my life. I went back to the clinic this morning to have a second bloodraw.
N, the receptionist (whom I've had to warm up to me), smiled and said, "You have good numbers."
B, the lab tech, smiled and told me congratulations. He said I looked much happier and much calmer this morning. He also said that they were all so excited when my test came back positive. While he hasn't been there the whole time, I've been a patient for three entire years as of September this year.
Nurse J called this morning and wanted to make sure I had my prescription for the progesterone. And she told me my HCG was 456, which is perfect and the doubling I needed. So we scheduled an early ob (her words) ultrasound in about two weeks.
I want to see a heartbeat. That's the next step. I still feel like crap - all this tugging and stretching and cramping in my abdomen. But it's okay.
- Posted from my mobile phone
Five Weeks
1. Feeling so grateful and blessed to be pregnant. It's a little bit surreal, as our last pregnancy was celebrated almost five years ago.
2. I look pregnant. To me. I'm still a little swollen from enlarged ovaries from the IVF process. And I put on some weight during that same process. I am not imagining this as there is not a pair of my pants I can zip or button.
- Posted from my mobile phone
- Posted from my mobile phone
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
A Little Bit
Thoughts:
I’m not sure where to begin. I didn’t think we would get this far. I didn’t think that I’d be one of those women. I expected more statistical anomalies, and simply, more hardship and grief. It was still going to hurt, but I was prepared. And now we are here. I’m pregnant, closing in on 20 weeks and a fetal anatomy ultrasound. It’s been incredibly surreal inside my head.
Physical:
Seventeen weeks yesterday (on the 17th!). Heard a very strong heartbeat about a week ago while with the midwife. Have a very small (probably only visible to me) bulge. Haven’t felt discernable movement yet, but I hear that is around the corner. Lots of abdominal pulling and stretching and dull aching – most likely growing, rearranging and some round ligament pain. I don’t think that I’ll get through this entire pregnancy without a maternity support belt/wrap thing. The sciatic/sacrum shooting pains have taken a break and I’m feeling better for the most part (thank you physical therapy). Walking and sitting no longer cause the pain that they did previously. My back hurts while sleeping and I need to invest in one of those pillows they talk about. I’m still wearing most of my clothes – two or three pairs of pants button & zip – the rest are adaptable. Shirts are actually my problem as I still can’t stand anything tight around my stomach area (and lower) that exerts discernable pressure and shirts have been stretching across the upper (ahem) and lower regions of my torso in some unflattering ways. I love tank tops (soft), roomy shirts, PJ pants/sweats and my slippers. Leggings and dresses are very close second favorites. I *think* the fatigue and nausea are on their way out, but hate to tempt them back. Been eating fairly well and still trying to drink enough during the day.
Thoughts:
We’ve been discussing some baby things: names, feeding, a Plan, labor, etc., but all in a very theoretical way. I hear myself saying “When the baby is here . . .” and I mean it, but I don’t really know. I have considered the fact that no matter how this goes down, we’re meeting our health insurance’s out-of-pocket maximum this year (whether it is all wonderful or something goes south). I’m starting to believe it might just happen. I might get huge and (even more) uncomfortable. I might get the chance to deliver at the birth center with the calming midwives. I might bring home a real live baby. Who might grow up to be wonderful. Maybe. It’s scary.
Generosity:
The comments on the post with the announcement. Those are precious to me. Thank you for your continued prayers and well-wishes. Despite my defensiveness (I’m continually working on it), most people have responded in a generous way to our news. Lots of excitement and celebration from parents and friends. There is talk of showers, which aren’t so worrisome anymore, and generous offers of car seats, clothing, toys, etc. There have been joyous texts, cards and emails in my inbox. Most of my direct coworkers know and are supportive, even if they want to talk about pregnancy every five minutes (I don’t at all – I just want to live day-to-day through this) and continually ask me how I’m feeling (uh, fine). I know that some are really curious and the others are looking for a way to connect, so I’ve cut them a lot of slack – we all know that I’m not the easiest person to be around (especially if I’m hungry – then I’m just mean). From a very petty place: I’m waiting for the comments about how I’m carrying and the hands reaching for my belly and the rude comments (which hopefully never come).
Final thoughts:
I bitch and complain a lot. I whine. I seem very ungrateful at times. I am, we are, so very grateful. For so many things: science, medicine, hope, love, faith, family, friends, support, and prayers. I’m trying to work a little more patience and grace into my life. I am grateful for this pregnancy and the child I hope results from it. That is the bottom line.
- Posted from my mobile phone
I’m not sure where to begin. I didn’t think we would get this far. I didn’t think that I’d be one of those women. I expected more statistical anomalies, and simply, more hardship and grief. It was still going to hurt, but I was prepared. And now we are here. I’m pregnant, closing in on 20 weeks and a fetal anatomy ultrasound. It’s been incredibly surreal inside my head.
Physical:
Seventeen weeks yesterday (on the 17th!). Heard a very strong heartbeat about a week ago while with the midwife. Have a very small (probably only visible to me) bulge. Haven’t felt discernable movement yet, but I hear that is around the corner. Lots of abdominal pulling and stretching and dull aching – most likely growing, rearranging and some round ligament pain. I don’t think that I’ll get through this entire pregnancy without a maternity support belt/wrap thing. The sciatic/sacrum shooting pains have taken a break and I’m feeling better for the most part (thank you physical therapy). Walking and sitting no longer cause the pain that they did previously. My back hurts while sleeping and I need to invest in one of those pillows they talk about. I’m still wearing most of my clothes – two or three pairs of pants button & zip – the rest are adaptable. Shirts are actually my problem as I still can’t stand anything tight around my stomach area (and lower) that exerts discernable pressure and shirts have been stretching across the upper (ahem) and lower regions of my torso in some unflattering ways. I love tank tops (soft), roomy shirts, PJ pants/sweats and my slippers. Leggings and dresses are very close second favorites. I *think* the fatigue and nausea are on their way out, but hate to tempt them back. Been eating fairly well and still trying to drink enough during the day.
Thoughts:
We’ve been discussing some baby things: names, feeding, a Plan, labor, etc., but all in a very theoretical way. I hear myself saying “When the baby is here . . .” and I mean it, but I don’t really know. I have considered the fact that no matter how this goes down, we’re meeting our health insurance’s out-of-pocket maximum this year (whether it is all wonderful or something goes south). I’m starting to believe it might just happen. I might get huge and (even more) uncomfortable. I might get the chance to deliver at the birth center with the calming midwives. I might bring home a real live baby. Who might grow up to be wonderful. Maybe. It’s scary.
Generosity:
The comments on the post with the announcement. Those are precious to me. Thank you for your continued prayers and well-wishes. Despite my defensiveness (I’m continually working on it), most people have responded in a generous way to our news. Lots of excitement and celebration from parents and friends. There is talk of showers, which aren’t so worrisome anymore, and generous offers of car seats, clothing, toys, etc. There have been joyous texts, cards and emails in my inbox. Most of my direct coworkers know and are supportive, even if they want to talk about pregnancy every five minutes (I don’t at all – I just want to live day-to-day through this) and continually ask me how I’m feeling (uh, fine). I know that some are really curious and the others are looking for a way to connect, so I’ve cut them a lot of slack – we all know that I’m not the easiest person to be around (especially if I’m hungry – then I’m just mean). From a very petty place: I’m waiting for the comments about how I’m carrying and the hands reaching for my belly and the rude comments (which hopefully never come).
Final thoughts:
I bitch and complain a lot. I whine. I seem very ungrateful at times. I am, we are, so very grateful. For so many things: science, medicine, hope, love, faith, family, friends, support, and prayers. I’m trying to work a little more patience and grace into my life. I am grateful for this pregnancy and the child I hope results from it. That is the bottom line.
- Posted from my mobile phone
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)