I really don't believe in luck. I want to and I've tried to, but I just can't bring my (somewhat) rational self to buy into the trinkets and superstitions.
I wore two special pieces of jewelry to IUI#3: the ring that my parents gave me when I received my master's degree and the pendant (St.Gerard/Our Lady of Perpetual Help) that my mother-in-law gave me for Christmas. Add those to my wedding ring, which is simply beautiful and completely representative of the relationship C and I have, I believe those trinkets are as much a trifecta of luck as anyone can ask for. At least they represent family and love to me.
We are playing the waiting game. C is on board with everything and provided a wonderful contribution. And I am exhausted. Worn out. Tired in the head, heart, and body.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Not Much Cheerier
So, what do you do (scratch that) . . .
Where do you go (never mind) . . .
Anyone got some quality sperm they are ready to cough up at a moment's notice? Not that C's sperm is bad, it just may not be available at the correct date and time.
What can I say? The scan did not go as planned (stupid, stupid girl for planning!). There are follicles, three actually, all still immature. They need a few more days. Which means that the IUI date is up in the air. C really can't do the 24-hour notice at work to take the morning off like I can. His job is important. Very important. Possibly more important than all of this trying to get pregnant stuff. That was semi-sarcastic and I apologize. His job is very important and it finances all of this IF stuff in part.
Depending on whether or not C can be an hour late to work on the designated day, we may or may not have an IUI this cycle. And if this IUI crashes and burns the way that #2 did, we have a bigger problem. If C can only maybe take an hour off to make a contribution in the future, I'm not sure that I am taking all of these drugs again for a "maybe." If I didn't appreciate these drugs so much, I would hate them. If this is a poor response to the white pills (on what, the eighth cycle I've taken them?) and we step up to way more expensive injectables, I'm fairly certain that I'm not paying the money and sticking a needle in myself for a "maybe I'll be able to show up and maybe I won't."
This really seems like a no-win situation. Yes, I want to ask him whether his job or our family is more important to him. But I know the answer and it is just not that simple. We'll see if we can make it work this time and if not, there are going to be serious decisions that have to be made.
Why can't this all just be easy? Why does it have to make me feel crappier and more guilty than I already do? How much more do we have to carry around with us? And when is the baggage just too much?
Where do you go (never mind) . . .
Anyone got some quality sperm they are ready to cough up at a moment's notice? Not that C's sperm is bad, it just may not be available at the correct date and time.
What can I say? The scan did not go as planned (stupid, stupid girl for planning!). There are follicles, three actually, all still immature. They need a few more days. Which means that the IUI date is up in the air. C really can't do the 24-hour notice at work to take the morning off like I can. His job is important. Very important. Possibly more important than all of this trying to get pregnant stuff. That was semi-sarcastic and I apologize. His job is very important and it finances all of this IF stuff in part.
Depending on whether or not C can be an hour late to work on the designated day, we may or may not have an IUI this cycle. And if this IUI crashes and burns the way that #2 did, we have a bigger problem. If C can only maybe take an hour off to make a contribution in the future, I'm not sure that I am taking all of these drugs again for a "maybe." If I didn't appreciate these drugs so much, I would hate them. If this is a poor response to the white pills (on what, the eighth cycle I've taken them?) and we step up to way more expensive injectables, I'm fairly certain that I'm not paying the money and sticking a needle in myself for a "maybe I'll be able to show up and maybe I won't."
This really seems like a no-win situation. Yes, I want to ask him whether his job or our family is more important to him. But I know the answer and it is just not that simple. We'll see if we can make it work this time and if not, there are going to be serious decisions that have to be made.
Why can't this all just be easy? Why does it have to make me feel crappier and more guilty than I already do? How much more do we have to carry around with us? And when is the baggage just too much?
Saturday, January 24, 2009
It Would Be Nice to Leave the Anxiety Behind
I am so anxious right now that I am dreaming of anti-anxiety medication. Are they pretty purple pills? Deep turquoise? Chalky white? I am doing anything that my mind/body is telling me will bring about calm or comfort. Thankfully, the anxiety is burbling right under the surface, so the appearance of normalcy is not too difficult to maintain. So far, it has led me to watch a sad sad movie (against my better judgement), fold a mountain of laundry, and make the house glow (I'm not sure exactly what the completion of this desire looks like - clean house and lights, candles, warmth? Abstracts can be so confusing). Since none of these urges have been destructive, I figure that makes them constructive and therefore, not bad. Unless I stay busy, I can feel the anxiety in my core, the back of my throat, and in the area right behind my eyes. Maybe it is a sinus infection.
All of what we are going through culminates with tomorrow, Monday, and two weeks from such. It is incredibly stressful. I never feel like myself on these fertility medications. I don't react like me, I'm overly emotional, I can't sleep due to alternating hot flashes and freeze outs AND manipulative dreams that I can never conquer (eight hours of sleep, most nights, yes - but eight hour dreams where I have to figure out how to stop ____ from killing _____ through sheer ingenuity = not restful). I am not me. C is not himself. You explain to a boy that gets to have sex nine out of ten times he asks for it that he's got to wait, uh, awhile. Then his date is probably a little less satisfying due to the inclusion of a sterile container hungry for his contribution.
My hopes are not set high at all. I don't really think that this time is going to be the time it works. I'm not sure that this protocol is going to work and we may need to step things up a little bit. My hopes for this IUI are twofold: I would like to see two mature follicles during the scan with a few back up singers in the wings and I would love to see C's sperm count somewhere near normal; mostly just not incredibly dismal. Those two things will allow a little more hope in the door and will give us an indication, upon like circumstances repeating in the next IUIs, whether or not optimal IUI conditions with this protocol are going to work.
I know that I fixate on this stuff too much. I work on not thinking about it, but all of this is a huge part in our future. Because of our difficulties in having children, our future is not nearly as clear as it once was. Not thinking about all of this is a great concept, but it just is not happening. Every public outing is filled with children, pregnancies, and unbidden thoughts (such as: how many boxes of Cheerios would we need if we had an 18-month-old right now? Like a Costco amount, or just a regular big box?). Yeah, I'm nuts and I feel nuts. What can you do besides trying to calm down? That doesn't always work.
On top of all of this, I have this strange left-behind feeling. Realistically, I have about the same number of friends with children and babies as I have friends without. The friends without are in that place for various reasons, but mostly they just are not at that point in their lives yet. I know that I am closer to many of the friends with young ones. I love them and their children and their pregnancies. I relate to the extent of my abilities, but I can't truly understand what they experience as moms and dads. I am not a mom. I don't know when or if I will become one. It certainly isn't for lack of trying or wanting. I want to "get it" so much. So very very much. They, you, know this. We must be back in that place where life seems to be standing still for us and going by at a blur for everyone else. It is an entirely unfair comparison in the grass-is-always-greener type of way, but it feels so very real.
In the good news category, some distant friends of our just announced a pregnancy that has been a long time coming. They have been at this IF game a little longer than we have and are expecting. We are not especially close to them, but the husband's openess about their trials have made the path a lot easier for C (he took the shame out of the equation and inserted crude humor, which is incredibly appealing for these type of men). While I wish that the wife and I could have connected and offered support to one another, it was not meant to be and I respect her need for privacy. It is exciting to hear of another couple emerging successful from the trenches (stirrups?). Another piece of information to be excited about is my new insurance coverage. I finally called to check on the specifics and the insurance company covers infertility procedures, treatments, and drugs - after my $700 deductible is met at 50% coinsurance. Of course, they were pretty sure that this coverage did not include IVF and there is a $10K lifetime maximum of infertility coverage. What this means to us is that one IUI cycle meets the deductible and anything we do for the rest of the year should be covered at 50%. It is a heck of a lot better than nothing and if we need to do a few IUIs with injectibles, then all of that expensive medication is 50% off. Very good news.
I need to work on laundry some more and somehow figure out how to make the house glow? Wish us luck in this game of money, emotions, and chance.
All of what we are going through culminates with tomorrow, Monday, and two weeks from such. It is incredibly stressful. I never feel like myself on these fertility medications. I don't react like me, I'm overly emotional, I can't sleep due to alternating hot flashes and freeze outs AND manipulative dreams that I can never conquer (eight hours of sleep, most nights, yes - but eight hour dreams where I have to figure out how to stop ____ from killing _____ through sheer ingenuity = not restful). I am not me. C is not himself. You explain to a boy that gets to have sex nine out of ten times he asks for it that he's got to wait, uh, awhile. Then his date is probably a little less satisfying due to the inclusion of a sterile container hungry for his contribution.
My hopes are not set high at all. I don't really think that this time is going to be the time it works. I'm not sure that this protocol is going to work and we may need to step things up a little bit. My hopes for this IUI are twofold: I would like to see two mature follicles during the scan with a few back up singers in the wings and I would love to see C's sperm count somewhere near normal; mostly just not incredibly dismal. Those two things will allow a little more hope in the door and will give us an indication, upon like circumstances repeating in the next IUIs, whether or not optimal IUI conditions with this protocol are going to work.
I know that I fixate on this stuff too much. I work on not thinking about it, but all of this is a huge part in our future. Because of our difficulties in having children, our future is not nearly as clear as it once was. Not thinking about all of this is a great concept, but it just is not happening. Every public outing is filled with children, pregnancies, and unbidden thoughts (such as: how many boxes of Cheerios would we need if we had an 18-month-old right now? Like a Costco amount, or just a regular big box?). Yeah, I'm nuts and I feel nuts. What can you do besides trying to calm down? That doesn't always work.
On top of all of this, I have this strange left-behind feeling. Realistically, I have about the same number of friends with children and babies as I have friends without. The friends without are in that place for various reasons, but mostly they just are not at that point in their lives yet. I know that I am closer to many of the friends with young ones. I love them and their children and their pregnancies. I relate to the extent of my abilities, but I can't truly understand what they experience as moms and dads. I am not a mom. I don't know when or if I will become one. It certainly isn't for lack of trying or wanting. I want to "get it" so much. So very very much. They, you, know this. We must be back in that place where life seems to be standing still for us and going by at a blur for everyone else. It is an entirely unfair comparison in the grass-is-always-greener type of way, but it feels so very real.
In the good news category, some distant friends of our just announced a pregnancy that has been a long time coming. They have been at this IF game a little longer than we have and are expecting. We are not especially close to them, but the husband's openess about their trials have made the path a lot easier for C (he took the shame out of the equation and inserted crude humor, which is incredibly appealing for these type of men). While I wish that the wife and I could have connected and offered support to one another, it was not meant to be and I respect her need for privacy. It is exciting to hear of another couple emerging successful from the trenches (stirrups?). Another piece of information to be excited about is my new insurance coverage. I finally called to check on the specifics and the insurance company covers infertility procedures, treatments, and drugs - after my $700 deductible is met at 50% coinsurance. Of course, they were pretty sure that this coverage did not include IVF and there is a $10K lifetime maximum of infertility coverage. What this means to us is that one IUI cycle meets the deductible and anything we do for the rest of the year should be covered at 50%. It is a heck of a lot better than nothing and if we need to do a few IUIs with injectibles, then all of that expensive medication is 50% off. Very good news.
I need to work on laundry some more and somehow figure out how to make the house glow? Wish us luck in this game of money, emotions, and chance.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Weekend Photos
Our weekend was enjoyable and very full. We saw my parents, C's parents, AM, R, and little E. Time was spent in town, in the country, and at a well-stocked Goodwill. I did not pull my camera out early enough at all because most of these are from Sunday afternoon.
There were shadows (me, C, and G, maybe not in that order):
This is Bella. C claims she is sawgrass color, which this picture shows well. She also looks surprisingly thin in this picture and managed not to find any barbed wire on which to harm herself out at the orchard this time around. Good girl.
Here is the tractor that C completely rebuilt and repainted for G and his orchard. I know that it is a Ford and C's payment was two cases of beer and two boxes of oatmeal pies. He is a simple man.
There were shadows (me, C, and G, maybe not in that order):
This is Boris, in the big blue truck. He later jumped out of the window after he begged to get back inside of the truck. He is sort of dumb, but loveable.
This is Bella. C claims she is sawgrass color, which this picture shows well. She also looks surprisingly thin in this picture and managed not to find any barbed wire on which to harm herself out at the orchard this time around. Good girl.
Here is the tractor that C completely rebuilt and repainted for G and his orchard. I know that it is a Ford and C's payment was two cases of beer and two boxes of oatmeal pies. He is a simple man.
This is me. I was quite excited that the new face stuff I have been using for four or five months has really helped clear up my face. I wanted a picture of my clear face without makeup (not that I wear much). Unfortunately, this picture and its mates were taken around the time the sores in my mouth started to heal, but were still causing substantial swelling. Didn't even notice this until I looked over them. Everything is over (allergic reaction-wise) for now and I am fine, but I sure hope nothing like that comes back. For those of you who haven't seen me in a while - here is a face-to-face hello.
Hello!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Delurking is Bezerking
Oh, and a call to delurk . . . If you read me regularly, semi-regularly, or that one time and maybe again this time, leave me a comment. Maybe I'll visit you and we'll strike up a fabulous online bloggy relationship. Then again, maybe not, but I'd sure like to know who you are!
Trix are for Kids.
This has been a day of ups and downs.
I, again, was so excited to start this next cycle. It means that I get to take the little white pills, put some green pills in a great place (why do they have to be green?), and get wanded in the same great place in a week and a half. Which all means that we get to do IUI#3. And I am really excited. Interestingly, not because I think it will actually work, but just because there is a plan and we are doing something and it could work. It's possible. Anyway, I've got all my medications and I scheduled the follicle scan (on a Sunday - gotta love them for that). I think I am also so excited because of the way that IUI#2 crashed and burned. Yes, it was our decision to cancel that one, but still, the crash was spectacular. This one is being conducted in a manner that wraps all the loose ends up in a nice, tidy bundle. I like tidy. I like seeing how many follicles I have. And if I could microscopically count C's swimmers, I'd probably spend a morning doing that too. I'm not obsessive, I just like the numbers, the precision, and the ability to compare and control each and every little thing in order to determine something new. Just kidding! Mostly.
The day probably changed a little bit when I read a heartfelt post by H. I get it. Not all of it, not your story precisely, but parts of it I get. I understand what it is like to see friends with babies who are the age that yours would have been. I understand how hard it is to fathom another pregnancy not going the same way as the first one did. And for AM, I understand a little better how hard it is to watch/listen/read someone who hurts so very badly. H, my heart goes out to you.
And here we are, on another avenue of the journey, looking both back and forward, and trying not to lose our balance. Coordination and patience, perhaps a long flexible catheter, and you'll get a pregnancy, just maybe. You thought it took sex, right? Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids.
I, again, was so excited to start this next cycle. It means that I get to take the little white pills, put some green pills in a great place (why do they have to be green?), and get wanded in the same great place in a week and a half. Which all means that we get to do IUI#3. And I am really excited. Interestingly, not because I think it will actually work, but just because there is a plan and we are doing something and it could work. It's possible. Anyway, I've got all my medications and I scheduled the follicle scan (on a Sunday - gotta love them for that). I think I am also so excited because of the way that IUI#2 crashed and burned. Yes, it was our decision to cancel that one, but still, the crash was spectacular. This one is being conducted in a manner that wraps all the loose ends up in a nice, tidy bundle. I like tidy. I like seeing how many follicles I have. And if I could microscopically count C's swimmers, I'd probably spend a morning doing that too. I'm not obsessive, I just like the numbers, the precision, and the ability to compare and control each and every little thing in order to determine something new. Just kidding! Mostly.
The day probably changed a little bit when I read a heartfelt post by H. I get it. Not all of it, not your story precisely, but parts of it I get. I understand what it is like to see friends with babies who are the age that yours would have been. I understand how hard it is to fathom another pregnancy not going the same way as the first one did. And for AM, I understand a little better how hard it is to watch/listen/read someone who hurts so very badly. H, my heart goes out to you.
And here we are, on another avenue of the journey, looking both back and forward, and trying not to lose our balance. Coordination and patience, perhaps a long flexible catheter, and you'll get a pregnancy, just maybe. You thought it took sex, right? Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Tattooed Babies Don't Sound So Bad
Being as concerned as I was about eating and drinking (reference post below), lots of other things have gathered in the back of my mind. We are currently solidifying our trip to MN to the IF conference and to see C's family. No idea where Vegas is in all of this. And we have made some decisions about future treatment.
Next up are two back-to-back IUI cycles. Technically, IUI#3 and IUI#4 (since IUI#2 was cancelled by us). We have definitely decided to go back to the protocol with the follicle scan on CD 12, an HCG shot same day, and most likely, IUI on CD 13. It really allows us to plan time off better and the reassurance you can get from a follicle scan (they can tell you how many follicles and all the sizes and based on the sizes, which ones will probably release an egg after the shot) is unequaled. The interesting part is that the next IUI will be sponsored by my parents (if the procedure results in a baby, that child will then have a tiny tattoo that says "Sponsored By the Ls"), and the following by C's parents (again with the success and tattoo, only Rs). They both have offered to do this in the last few months and although I still find it a little strange, in my asking around, no one else thinks it is weird. Sis B says that our parents just want us to be happy and AM says that if we already had a child, the parents would be buying other things: clothes, cribs, car seats, etc. I do see their point and it does seem to be making the parents happy to be a part of all of this. So, let's do it. We are just waiting on me. My wonderful body.
Next up are two back-to-back IUI cycles. Technically, IUI#3 and IUI#4 (since IUI#2 was cancelled by us). We have definitely decided to go back to the protocol with the follicle scan on CD 12, an HCG shot same day, and most likely, IUI on CD 13. It really allows us to plan time off better and the reassurance you can get from a follicle scan (they can tell you how many follicles and all the sizes and based on the sizes, which ones will probably release an egg after the shot) is unequaled. The interesting part is that the next IUI will be sponsored by my parents (if the procedure results in a baby, that child will then have a tiny tattoo that says "Sponsored By the Ls"), and the following by C's parents (again with the success and tattoo, only Rs). They both have offered to do this in the last few months and although I still find it a little strange, in my asking around, no one else thinks it is weird. Sis B says that our parents just want us to be happy and AM says that if we already had a child, the parents would be buying other things: clothes, cribs, car seats, etc. I do see their point and it does seem to be making the parents happy to be a part of all of this. So, let's do it. We are just waiting on me. My wonderful body.
All About an Allergic Reaction
Where to begin?
I woke up Wednesday morning with really puffy eyes. The swollen tissue that was previously an eyelid was greenish hued. It was also my anniversary. Four years! So, I ignored them hoping a shower would help and if not that, then perhaps some makeup. It's not like I don't wake up with weird things happening all the time: black eyes, bruising, red spots, hives, rashes (okay, not all the time, but periodically). Anyway, these things usually go away within a few hours or a night's sleep; nothing to worry about. Except the eyes did not get better. They were so swollen that I could feel them and then they began to hurt. All things that I noticed even as I had totally curled my hair, put on a fabulous red sweater dress, and decorated myself with pearls (note to AM: I broke another strand, but just the clasp and I really didn't mean to!). Around lunch, I had some great leftovers of the potato soup I made earlier in the week and then my mouth began to feel like it was lacerated inside, very painful. Never mind, I would go to sleep and everything would be fine in the morning. Except that I was in enough pain that our anniversary consisted of me curled up on the couch, running a low grade fever (and the L girls do not run fevers).
I woke up Thursday, went to the mirror and yep, the eyes were back and it really hurt to brush my teeth. As the day wore on, my eyes became more achy and I had vertigo headaches. Still had a fever. Figured out that there were sores underneath my tongue and it really hurt to eat, but I could still drink water. Went to the appointment with the urologist. Kind of a bust since I am feeling better, but I figure that I now have a reference point if/when the symptoms return - also had a short conversation with him about IF. Still have a low grade fever. Really can't eat. Don't eat anything until evening: bowl of rice and cottage cheese - nearly in tears from the pain.
Woke up Friday, swelling still there, but a little bit better. Mouth is worse. 5-10 sores under my tongue in the far creases and more lining the gums all around my mouth. Hurts to talk, can't drink or eat anything. Call primary care doc almost crying, appointment at four pm. Manage to work down a creamslush treat due to the numbing effect of the ice. Inform the doctor that I would just like to be able to eat and drink something. She is surprised at the sheer number of sores in my mouth and not happy when I tell her that I have only gone to the bathroom once today (that being 8am and now being 415pm). She can't figure it out exactly, but then again, I gave her an incomplete puzzle. We do agree that it is most likely some type of allergic reaction, but even those can be reactions to something you've come in contact with for years - no rhyme or reason to them. She give me (thank god) allergy pills (1x/day-7 days), eye drops (1 drop/eye/12 hours), orders to take ibprofen for fever and pain, and a script for a huge bottle of cherry flavored lidocaine. Do you know about lidocaine? I know that we put it on really bad sunburns. Nope, I put 15-20ml in my mouth and swish and spit. It's a numbing agent so that I can hopefully eat. Only, you can't eat until an hour after you apply it because there is a risk of choking with everything being numbed. And it doesn't quite get all the way back to the sores underneath my tongue. I'm going to have to figure it out a little further. We also washed all the bedding with ALL Free & Clear - doc said this was a good idea. Especially since I wake up in the mornings with all symptoms a little worse.
This morning, my eyes are still a little bit puffy and itchy, but less so. My mouth hurts, but maybe not as much. I already took all of my pills and just need to put eye drops in and figure out if I can eat and drink without the lidocaine yet. I think my fever broke yesterday (the doctor said it could be cause by the number of sores in my mouth), but I have still woken up damp from sweating through my clothes. I think I feel better and I know that I just get to rest this weekend; it couldn't have helped that I have been working so hard this week (another gal is out sick with pneumonia). Rest and relaxation are on the docket. I also need to do something really nice for C - he's been an excellent nursemaid during this entire ordeal. He's getting me a creamslush on his way home from whatever project he's working on this morning. He also washed all the bedding and made the bed - very big deal. So when he found me passed out (and soaked through my tank and tee from being feverish) last night in the spare room, he just led me to my clean, allergen-free bed. He's a keeper.
I guess that I am doing better. I also have no idea what I am reacting to. I lean towards food because of all the mouth stuff (my tongue and lips have also been swollen in the mornings - no need for plumping these lips, baby) - it's just that we have not made anything unusual or eaten out recently. Then there is the worse part of the reaction each morning after I have slept in my own bed for eight hours. So weird.
I'm going to try and attach an awful (cell phone) picture of my eye on Thursday maybe?
I woke up Wednesday morning with really puffy eyes. The swollen tissue that was previously an eyelid was greenish hued. It was also my anniversary. Four years! So, I ignored them hoping a shower would help and if not that, then perhaps some makeup. It's not like I don't wake up with weird things happening all the time: black eyes, bruising, red spots, hives, rashes (okay, not all the time, but periodically). Anyway, these things usually go away within a few hours or a night's sleep; nothing to worry about. Except the eyes did not get better. They were so swollen that I could feel them and then they began to hurt. All things that I noticed even as I had totally curled my hair, put on a fabulous red sweater dress, and decorated myself with pearls (note to AM: I broke another strand, but just the clasp and I really didn't mean to!). Around lunch, I had some great leftovers of the potato soup I made earlier in the week and then my mouth began to feel like it was lacerated inside, very painful. Never mind, I would go to sleep and everything would be fine in the morning. Except that I was in enough pain that our anniversary consisted of me curled up on the couch, running a low grade fever (and the L girls do not run fevers).
I woke up Thursday, went to the mirror and yep, the eyes were back and it really hurt to brush my teeth. As the day wore on, my eyes became more achy and I had vertigo headaches. Still had a fever. Figured out that there were sores underneath my tongue and it really hurt to eat, but I could still drink water. Went to the appointment with the urologist. Kind of a bust since I am feeling better, but I figure that I now have a reference point if/when the symptoms return - also had a short conversation with him about IF. Still have a low grade fever. Really can't eat. Don't eat anything until evening: bowl of rice and cottage cheese - nearly in tears from the pain.
Woke up Friday, swelling still there, but a little bit better. Mouth is worse. 5-10 sores under my tongue in the far creases and more lining the gums all around my mouth. Hurts to talk, can't drink or eat anything. Call primary care doc almost crying, appointment at four pm. Manage to work down a creamslush treat due to the numbing effect of the ice. Inform the doctor that I would just like to be able to eat and drink something. She is surprised at the sheer number of sores in my mouth and not happy when I tell her that I have only gone to the bathroom once today (that being 8am and now being 415pm). She can't figure it out exactly, but then again, I gave her an incomplete puzzle. We do agree that it is most likely some type of allergic reaction, but even those can be reactions to something you've come in contact with for years - no rhyme or reason to them. She give me (thank god) allergy pills (1x/day-7 days), eye drops (1 drop/eye/12 hours), orders to take ibprofen for fever and pain, and a script for a huge bottle of cherry flavored lidocaine. Do you know about lidocaine? I know that we put it on really bad sunburns. Nope, I put 15-20ml in my mouth and swish and spit. It's a numbing agent so that I can hopefully eat. Only, you can't eat until an hour after you apply it because there is a risk of choking with everything being numbed. And it doesn't quite get all the way back to the sores underneath my tongue. I'm going to have to figure it out a little further. We also washed all the bedding with ALL Free & Clear - doc said this was a good idea. Especially since I wake up in the mornings with all symptoms a little worse.
This morning, my eyes are still a little bit puffy and itchy, but less so. My mouth hurts, but maybe not as much. I already took all of my pills and just need to put eye drops in and figure out if I can eat and drink without the lidocaine yet. I think my fever broke yesterday (the doctor said it could be cause by the number of sores in my mouth), but I have still woken up damp from sweating through my clothes. I think I feel better and I know that I just get to rest this weekend; it couldn't have helped that I have been working so hard this week (another gal is out sick with pneumonia). Rest and relaxation are on the docket. I also need to do something really nice for C - he's been an excellent nursemaid during this entire ordeal. He's getting me a creamslush on his way home from whatever project he's working on this morning. He also washed all the bedding and made the bed - very big deal. So when he found me passed out (and soaked through my tank and tee from being feverish) last night in the spare room, he just led me to my clean, allergen-free bed. He's a keeper.
I guess that I am doing better. I also have no idea what I am reacting to. I lean towards food because of all the mouth stuff (my tongue and lips have also been swollen in the mornings - no need for plumping these lips, baby) - it's just that we have not made anything unusual or eaten out recently. Then there is the worse part of the reaction each morning after I have slept in my own bed for eight hours. So weird.
I'm going to try and attach an awful (cell phone) picture of my eye on Thursday maybe?
Thursday, January 1, 2009
The Presumption of Gambling
I may be living inside my head a little too much. Nothing has touched me.
I'm still dealing with some bladder discomfort (appointment with the urologist next week - his earliest opening) with no idea what is going on. Usually the unknown can send me over the edge for a little while.
While we have been discussing our treatment options, nothing is really gelling for us. A pregnancy and baby we can afford somehow, but the extra hundreds of dollars per cycle it takes to do an IUI are slightly out of our reach for a month or two. I also looked into our RE's IVF plans. $10,000 - $17,000 depending on the number of cycles, retrievals, FETs. I guess that I don't really understand how it all comes down to money. Since they really don't know what we are up against, IUIs and IVF are just treatments that could work. When is the last time you spent a couple thousand dollars on something that might work? So, I sit here feeling not quite as proactive (or rich) as the others I read about who do four or five back-to-back IUIs and then step it up to IVF.
Which makes me hesitant about going to a RESOLVE meeting in my area on Tuesday evening. It's also about 45 minutes away, but I just don't know what to think about it. I don't know or talk to anyone else on this journey. If I get pregnant tomorrow, I will probably say the past two and a half years weren't that bad; how infertile could I have been? But the gut feeling is that it is not going to happen tomorrow, this month, this year, or next. Maybe that frame of mind makes a RESOLVE meeting a good place for me to be. At least I could get the scoop on the REs and obgyns in the area.
Speaking of which, my obgyn has been fired, let go, chased out of Dodge. I don't know why yet, but previously some of her practices did not line up with the hospital's (and the hospital hired her because she practiced a different type of medicine). I never had an issue to see her with, seeing as how I am not pregnant, but I loved her philosophy and straight answers. And with that, I've blown through the obgyns in my neck of the woods again. I figure that I'll let my primary care doctor do the yearly and possibly deliver the magical twins. I do like her and I have an RE now for all of the infertility issues.
Someone I love so very much told me she was pregnant over the Christmas holiday. She was so sweet and matter-of-fact about it all. And it was a quiet revelation, for which I am grateful. I tried to mull over what my reaction was and what it should be. For once, the two are reconciled in one reaction: that of excitement and gratefulness. This is not to say that there was no sadness on my part for myself (how utterly selfish), but these loved ones are having a baby. They are having a baby! And while there will be moments when I put on a brave face, I refuse to withhold any joy for them. Because, in about seven months or so, there will be a new life to love and cherish.
Where does this all leave me? Planning a trip to Minnesota that lines up with a big infertility conference. C has already agreed to go to the conference and we have loads of family up there. I'm not sure that ten hours at a conference all about infertility is the right step, but I still feel the need for more information (or hope?). It will also be nice to take some time off work to spend with C. I can't believe he has agreed to go. In addition to that, I was thinking about going to Vegas in March with my sister and some friends. Unfortunately, that is probably money better spent on another IUI. Which do you think sounds like more fun? Partying, eating, drinking, spending time with friends in the lights of Vegas, or the clomid monster, suppositories, the dildo cam, a shot, and a catheter of sperm threaded into, well, you all should know where by now. This is incredibly humorous now that I think about it: either a trip to a gambling haven, or gambling with an IF treatment. Funniest part: I don't gamble! It's a waste of money. Oh dear, I think I just stumbled across a really big reason why IF pisses me off . . . Imagine that.
I'm still dealing with some bladder discomfort (appointment with the urologist next week - his earliest opening) with no idea what is going on. Usually the unknown can send me over the edge for a little while.
While we have been discussing our treatment options, nothing is really gelling for us. A pregnancy and baby we can afford somehow, but the extra hundreds of dollars per cycle it takes to do an IUI are slightly out of our reach for a month or two. I also looked into our RE's IVF plans. $10,000 - $17,000 depending on the number of cycles, retrievals, FETs. I guess that I don't really understand how it all comes down to money. Since they really don't know what we are up against, IUIs and IVF are just treatments that could work. When is the last time you spent a couple thousand dollars on something that might work? So, I sit here feeling not quite as proactive (or rich) as the others I read about who do four or five back-to-back IUIs and then step it up to IVF.
Which makes me hesitant about going to a RESOLVE meeting in my area on Tuesday evening. It's also about 45 minutes away, but I just don't know what to think about it. I don't know or talk to anyone else on this journey. If I get pregnant tomorrow, I will probably say the past two and a half years weren't that bad; how infertile could I have been? But the gut feeling is that it is not going to happen tomorrow, this month, this year, or next. Maybe that frame of mind makes a RESOLVE meeting a good place for me to be. At least I could get the scoop on the REs and obgyns in the area.
Speaking of which, my obgyn has been fired, let go, chased out of Dodge. I don't know why yet, but previously some of her practices did not line up with the hospital's (and the hospital hired her because she practiced a different type of medicine). I never had an issue to see her with, seeing as how I am not pregnant, but I loved her philosophy and straight answers. And with that, I've blown through the obgyns in my neck of the woods again. I figure that I'll let my primary care doctor do the yearly and possibly deliver the magical twins. I do like her and I have an RE now for all of the infertility issues.
Someone I love so very much told me she was pregnant over the Christmas holiday. She was so sweet and matter-of-fact about it all. And it was a quiet revelation, for which I am grateful. I tried to mull over what my reaction was and what it should be. For once, the two are reconciled in one reaction: that of excitement and gratefulness. This is not to say that there was no sadness on my part for myself (how utterly selfish), but these loved ones are having a baby. They are having a baby! And while there will be moments when I put on a brave face, I refuse to withhold any joy for them. Because, in about seven months or so, there will be a new life to love and cherish.
Where does this all leave me? Planning a trip to Minnesota that lines up with a big infertility conference. C has already agreed to go to the conference and we have loads of family up there. I'm not sure that ten hours at a conference all about infertility is the right step, but I still feel the need for more information (or hope?). It will also be nice to take some time off work to spend with C. I can't believe he has agreed to go. In addition to that, I was thinking about going to Vegas in March with my sister and some friends. Unfortunately, that is probably money better spent on another IUI. Which do you think sounds like more fun? Partying, eating, drinking, spending time with friends in the lights of Vegas, or the clomid monster, suppositories, the dildo cam, a shot, and a catheter of sperm threaded into, well, you all should know where by now. This is incredibly humorous now that I think about it: either a trip to a gambling haven, or gambling with an IF treatment. Funniest part: I don't gamble! It's a waste of money. Oh dear, I think I just stumbled across a really big reason why IF pisses me off . . . Imagine that.
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