A patient just called to cancel her appointment. She said her PT knew the situation, but told me anyway as she was trying not to cry.
Her daughter is losing her baby. She had been trying for five years to get pregnant and now, at nine weeks she is miscarrying.
Is this what I'm setting myself up for? I cannot deal with this right now. If you so much as touch me, I swear the floodgates will release the tears. Is IVF really worth the possibility of loss? It about destroyed me the first time. If we don't try IVF, that lowers (eradicates) my chance at pregnancy, which lowers my chance of losing said pregnancy. Am I too rational for my own good?
I dare someone to talk to me about not attempting something for fear of failure. Because, in this case, my fear is loss of life and you've just termed it a failure (on my part?). I'm not sure either reasoning or comfort are appropriate right now. I'm sad and angry and defensive and scared.
*Posted from my mobile phone
Friday, April 22, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Now Time
Half coherent and already in bed for the night finds me slightly reflective. Only slightly.
I've been drifting to sleep lately with wet eyes. Small potent tears have made their escape on the edge of my entry into dreamland. I startle awake at a cold damp pillow. It is what it is.
I thought my fears regarding friends' pregnancies were going to get me. Until a dear friend miscarried. Hearing that sliced me open and it's not even about me. It brings back some very raw emotions: fear, anger, panic. Lots of anxiety. I think she's doing okay, but I don't really know. I've only had a conversation about repeat blood tests and dropping HCG numbers - not about how she feels. No one needs to be pushed to have that conversation.
I'm having trouble associating IVF with a live healthy baby. This is probably very normal for someone who has experienced what I have. Treatments don't equal pregnancies and pregnancies don't equal babies. I keep saying we're going to try IVF or attempt IVF. Never that we're going to try to have a baby utilizing IVF. I am, of course, hoping to become pregnant as a result of the IVF procedure, but I'm too smart to assume that a pregnancy results in a live healthy baby. And in a sick twist, I just realized that in this process I'm either pregnant or I'm experiencing a loss. Because if I'm not pregnant, my body rejected perfectly good embryos. All still hypothetical, yet gut-wrenching. Maybe that is why the months are ticking along at an increased speed: I am looking forward to doing IVF, but dreading it at the same time.
I was also thinking that I'm glad I named my little boy a highly unusual name for this country. It's only his and I never have to be surprised by hearing it. His name is written on my heart, which is the only place it needs to be. I don't think anyone sees the space he left. My son would turn four this year and my childless life would look radically different. My mention of this isn't for pity, but a stark fact I live with every day.
I'm a little irritated and saddened by the insensitivity of the world right now. I will also admit to my own over sensitivity. This combination is not ideal. I would like hope and faith to be tangible. And pain to be as erasable as chalk on a blackboard. I want to be able to hide where nothing can find me or to grow a hide like an aardvark so no hurt can penetrate. I'd like a black hole to encounter all the meanness. I have my doubts that all experiences are character building or make me a better person. Serious doubts.
*Posted from my mobile phone
I've been drifting to sleep lately with wet eyes. Small potent tears have made their escape on the edge of my entry into dreamland. I startle awake at a cold damp pillow. It is what it is.
I thought my fears regarding friends' pregnancies were going to get me. Until a dear friend miscarried. Hearing that sliced me open and it's not even about me. It brings back some very raw emotions: fear, anger, panic. Lots of anxiety. I think she's doing okay, but I don't really know. I've only had a conversation about repeat blood tests and dropping HCG numbers - not about how she feels. No one needs to be pushed to have that conversation.
I'm having trouble associating IVF with a live healthy baby. This is probably very normal for someone who has experienced what I have. Treatments don't equal pregnancies and pregnancies don't equal babies. I keep saying we're going to try IVF or attempt IVF. Never that we're going to try to have a baby utilizing IVF. I am, of course, hoping to become pregnant as a result of the IVF procedure, but I'm too smart to assume that a pregnancy results in a live healthy baby. And in a sick twist, I just realized that in this process I'm either pregnant or I'm experiencing a loss. Because if I'm not pregnant, my body rejected perfectly good embryos. All still hypothetical, yet gut-wrenching. Maybe that is why the months are ticking along at an increased speed: I am looking forward to doing IVF, but dreading it at the same time.
I was also thinking that I'm glad I named my little boy a highly unusual name for this country. It's only his and I never have to be surprised by hearing it. His name is written on my heart, which is the only place it needs to be. I don't think anyone sees the space he left. My son would turn four this year and my childless life would look radically different. My mention of this isn't for pity, but a stark fact I live with every day.
I'm a little irritated and saddened by the insensitivity of the world right now. I will also admit to my own over sensitivity. This combination is not ideal. I would like hope and faith to be tangible. And pain to be as erasable as chalk on a blackboard. I want to be able to hide where nothing can find me or to grow a hide like an aardvark so no hurt can penetrate. I'd like a black hole to encounter all the meanness. I have my doubts that all experiences are character building or make me a better person. Serious doubts.
*Posted from my mobile phone
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