One has to wonder.
Bulleted, yet lettered. Again.
a) I love me some apple juice. Nantucket Nectars is my favorite, but so far, I've only found it at Chipotle. Which is okay. And I still like graham crackers. A lot.
b) Our good friends, N&A, are pregnant. They were on a similar IUI roller coaster and it is wonderful that it worked for them. I really hope that everything is smooth sailing and we get to hold their beautiful baby in another eight months or so. We know that IUIs work for some, we are just unsure about whether "some" means "us" or not. For now, this news seems to be giving C an extra jolt of hope.
c) Another set of good friends is due, well, in a week. I spent some time with K and little T last night and through her pain, she is just so uplifting. Again, another baby I can't wait to see or hold!
d) IUI#whatthehell this morning. Was supposed to be yesterday morning, but the follicles weren't quite big enough, so we were put off a day. After having a roundabout chat with the nurse two weeks ago, I found out that our doctor is real big on insemination 24 hours after the HCG trigger shot. That's his thing, that's his protocol. The sperm needs to already be there when ovulation occurs. I get that. The nurse let us schedule the IUI two weeks ahead of time and then I go and undergrow and we have to bump the IUI a day anyway. We were still able to get the clinic's earliest time available this morning to drop off the contribution. I have slowly been trying to make the clinic's front office gal, N, my friend. I think that is working. Today we were working with two, maybe three, follicles (v. good) and a lower than optimum sperm count, but hey, it was still millions, baby! [For those keeping track, today was IUI#4, carried out and seen through, #2 post-op, and #7 ever planned]
e) I have a consultation scheduled with a urogynecologist for a few issues. He's the guy to see. I guess I should talk about it because no one else talks about it. I am prone to UTIs, vaginal infections, painful bladder, and a few other things. Painful stuff these are. Thankfully, I am not afflicted by these at all times; they tend to come and go. But they are chronic and need to be addressed, so I get to see THE doctor next week. Once established, he can be my man that addresses these issues instead of a well-meaning, but clueless GP. I'm trying to be proactive here.
Questions:
z) Has anyone heard of a semen allergy?
y) It's a free-for-all: let me have your best/worst/most asinine advice for getting pregnant in 2010. No, really, I can take it - I have a sense of humor about these things.
x) As much as I try to shield myself, at times I imagine what my life would be like with a carseat in my Jeep, a crib and changing table in the orange room, and a different motivation for living the way I do. I hope that, even in an effort to empathize with me, or couples like us, you don't imagine what your life would be in our position: desperately wanting and trying for something that seems so elusive for us. I don't want that for you. I want you to enter into parenthood, your first, second, third pregnancy, or evening trying to conceive, with an innocence. And I want you never to lose it. Please tell me that my story hasn't frightened you.
w) What is your favorite hand cream?
v) I've got two songs running through my head right now: the RedHotChiliPepper's Can't Stop and Cameron Diaz's performance of that song in MyBestFriend'sWedding ("I don't know just what to do with myself . . ."). What is running through your head?
Off to see N&A tonight (as we do every New Year's Eve) and probably celebrate their pregnancy. No need to ponder that three years ago tomorrow, C and I made our first and only pregnancy announcement to them. Did any of us know that the deck was going to be sorted out like this? I sure didn't.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Old Memories and New Positions
I've been thinking about this for awhile and then trying not to think about it. My "new" job - the one that I was shuttled into because, well, stupid reasons that were not my fault, was located right near the ER at the hospital that I work for. Not a big deal at all. Except that it was a job I didn't care for, didn't ask for, and didn't want to do. Which sounds whiny. Then I used the closest restroom and began to hate that job.
The restroom is shared with the ER. It looked familiar. It was familiar. I don't even remember how much I detailed of the night that I miscarried on here. It's probably there, in the archives, and I have no desire to look for it. There are snapshots of that evening that I can't forget. I can acknowledge them as memories that aren't particularly pleasant, but I try my best not to relive or trigger them. Which means that I do not want to have to use that restroom everyday as I go about doing my job.
Because that restroom is the one I visited upon arriving at the ER that cold night in February. The one that couldn't contain the blood flowing out of me. When I, being raised a polite girl, went to notify the check in desk that they might need someone to clean up that restroom, they looked at me strangely. Which is okay, because in retrospect, I think I should have yelled "I'm losing my baby, damn it!" but I know that I couldn't have said anything to that effect because I didn't want to believe it myself. Even unable to contain the blood, I wanted to believe that everything was somehow okay. So did C. It was a bad night to say the least. The restroom and check in desk encounter are among the snapshots.
I'm not saying that each use of that restroom was traumatic and caused me to crumble to the ground sobbing - it's not like that. I do think that, if possible, one should not be forced to relive the sadness in their lives. Especially if the fault does not lie with them. Some people are forced to and they become strong. I think that I am strong, but I don't care for memories creeping up on me unaware.
None of this is the reason I choose to change jobs - they handed me a job I never applied for and didn't like, so I found one within the system that suits me better. I get to work for doctors (who see babies to oldies) and interact a little more with people than I did previously. Which is better for me in general.
As for us? We are just waiting for the next cycle and I am waiting for an upcoming consult with a urogynecologist in late December to address some other issues. So, I guess that means, in a certain sense, that we are flying standby for Christmas.
The restroom is shared with the ER. It looked familiar. It was familiar. I don't even remember how much I detailed of the night that I miscarried on here. It's probably there, in the archives, and I have no desire to look for it. There are snapshots of that evening that I can't forget. I can acknowledge them as memories that aren't particularly pleasant, but I try my best not to relive or trigger them. Which means that I do not want to have to use that restroom everyday as I go about doing my job.
Because that restroom is the one I visited upon arriving at the ER that cold night in February. The one that couldn't contain the blood flowing out of me. When I, being raised a polite girl, went to notify the check in desk that they might need someone to clean up that restroom, they looked at me strangely. Which is okay, because in retrospect, I think I should have yelled "I'm losing my baby, damn it!" but I know that I couldn't have said anything to that effect because I didn't want to believe it myself. Even unable to contain the blood, I wanted to believe that everything was somehow okay. So did C. It was a bad night to say the least. The restroom and check in desk encounter are among the snapshots.
I'm not saying that each use of that restroom was traumatic and caused me to crumble to the ground sobbing - it's not like that. I do think that, if possible, one should not be forced to relive the sadness in their lives. Especially if the fault does not lie with them. Some people are forced to and they become strong. I think that I am strong, but I don't care for memories creeping up on me unaware.
None of this is the reason I choose to change jobs - they handed me a job I never applied for and didn't like, so I found one within the system that suits me better. I get to work for doctors (who see babies to oldies) and interact a little more with people than I did previously. Which is better for me in general.
As for us? We are just waiting for the next cycle and I am waiting for an upcoming consult with a urogynecologist in late December to address some other issues. So, I guess that means, in a certain sense, that we are flying standby for Christmas.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
There are Always Hiccups and Peanut Butter Doesn't Always Help
I'm not sure how to number these, but today was supposed to be IUI #2 (#6 of all IUIs ever planned and #4 of actual accomplished IUIs and #2 of post-op IUIs - totally makes sense, right?). But, as the fates have decided, it was not to be. After a follicle scan and an HCG shot yesterday, I chose the earliest time they gave me for the drop-off and IUI today. 845a and 945a were not early enough. Work came crashing down on C's shoulders yesterday and he was just not going to be able to do the whole contribution and drop-off thing at 845a today. The clinic couldn't schedule him any earlier and after he attempted to, he couldn't get out of work obligations.
It's funny that the last time this happened was almost a year ago. And I completely wigged out and threw a "YOU obviously don't love me OR care at all about our family" type fit. I could do that now if I wanted to. I know that some people and couples just can't understand how C could throw this whole cycle under the bus like this. I've been there before and I understand the range of responses that I have to chose from. I chose to be calm and compassionate. C is pissed off and upset about all of this. He's sick about not being able to follow through and the fact that we wasted a few hundred dollars getting to this point in this cycle. And I'm saying (even with the psychotic HCG rushing through my system) that it's okay. I'm a little angry, but more at the situation than anything else. To remind myself (and everyone else), these treatments are in large part paid for by money that C earns . . . at his job . . . the one we want to get busier and busier and flourish. So, if this happens every once in awhile, that is okay. We can deal with it.
Although, I hate spending money for no reason. Being wanded for no reason*. And getting the awful HCG shot for no reason (I get it in the hip/butt area and it is sore for days after). This stuff wears me out. So, no need to make C feel worse for what he can't control. All I asked was that he try his best to talk the clinic into an earlier time and to try and rearrange work stuff - it was a lot to ask, but it was all I asked. He tried and that was the best he could do. I do get a little irritated that the clinic won't let anyone schedule an IUI on CD1. They let you schedule a follicle scan on CD 12 or 13, but you can only schedule the IUI after they have done the scan, gave you a shot, and deemed you appropriate to schedule for an IUI. There has only been one time out of six now that I haven't produced mature follicles for a CD 12 scan, so why can't I just go ahead and book an IUI for CD 13 at 730am - pretty good odds that it would be an appointment we can keep. Anyway, I'll ask them about it next time. I need to call and schedule a blood test in two weeks so that I can get another script of the tiny yellow pills for anticipated IUI #3 (#7 and #4).
I was reminded by a dear co-worker that there is, of course, God's intended (tongue in cheek) delivery method for sperm into the uterus (he might as well have screamed, "USE THE PENIS! USE THE PENIS, GUYS! I HEAR THAT WORKS SOMETIMES!"). We'll try that, thanks. Although, and not that anyone is counting, we are three and a half years into this (five years according to C, which just goes to show you how reliable he thinks the "birth control" we were using right after we got married was) and I do not have the same faith in sex that I once did. C is beginning to lose faith even in the treatments we are pursuing (haven't I already?), so it looks like we're coming due for another talk about out plans. Not to sound callous, but perhaps we really do need to figure out how far we plan to go in this process, what we plan to gamble away, and if children are something we really need or just want. Wow, I feel like I just slapped myself in the face right there. Hope nobody else felt it.
*Two post-op cycles in, I am still responding well to the tiny yellow pills. Most recent scan on CD 12 revealed one mature follicle and one adolescent follicle, both on the right side.
It's funny that the last time this happened was almost a year ago. And I completely wigged out and threw a "YOU obviously don't love me OR care at all about our family" type fit. I could do that now if I wanted to. I know that some people and couples just can't understand how C could throw this whole cycle under the bus like this. I've been there before and I understand the range of responses that I have to chose from. I chose to be calm and compassionate. C is pissed off and upset about all of this. He's sick about not being able to follow through and the fact that we wasted a few hundred dollars getting to this point in this cycle. And I'm saying (even with the psychotic HCG rushing through my system) that it's okay. I'm a little angry, but more at the situation than anything else. To remind myself (and everyone else), these treatments are in large part paid for by money that C earns . . . at his job . . . the one we want to get busier and busier and flourish. So, if this happens every once in awhile, that is okay. We can deal with it.
Although, I hate spending money for no reason. Being wanded for no reason*. And getting the awful HCG shot for no reason (I get it in the hip/butt area and it is sore for days after). This stuff wears me out. So, no need to make C feel worse for what he can't control. All I asked was that he try his best to talk the clinic into an earlier time and to try and rearrange work stuff - it was a lot to ask, but it was all I asked. He tried and that was the best he could do. I do get a little irritated that the clinic won't let anyone schedule an IUI on CD1. They let you schedule a follicle scan on CD 12 or 13, but you can only schedule the IUI after they have done the scan, gave you a shot, and deemed you appropriate to schedule for an IUI. There has only been one time out of six now that I haven't produced mature follicles for a CD 12 scan, so why can't I just go ahead and book an IUI for CD 13 at 730am - pretty good odds that it would be an appointment we can keep. Anyway, I'll ask them about it next time. I need to call and schedule a blood test in two weeks so that I can get another script of the tiny yellow pills for anticipated IUI #3 (#7 and #4).
I was reminded by a dear co-worker that there is, of course, God's intended (tongue in cheek) delivery method for sperm into the uterus (he might as well have screamed, "USE THE PENIS! USE THE PENIS, GUYS! I HEAR THAT WORKS SOMETIMES!"). We'll try that, thanks. Although, and not that anyone is counting, we are three and a half years into this (five years according to C, which just goes to show you how reliable he thinks the "birth control" we were using right after we got married was) and I do not have the same faith in sex that I once did. C is beginning to lose faith even in the treatments we are pursuing (haven't I already?), so it looks like we're coming due for another talk about out plans. Not to sound callous, but perhaps we really do need to figure out how far we plan to go in this process, what we plan to gamble away, and if children are something we really need or just want. Wow, I feel like I just slapped myself in the face right there. Hope nobody else felt it.
*Two post-op cycles in, I am still responding well to the tiny yellow pills. Most recent scan on CD 12 revealed one mature follicle and one adolescent follicle, both on the right side.
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