So this is the month to remember what we've lost. I've lost a pregnancy, almost seven years ago. Which sucked. I have friends who have given birth to babies who were still, friends who have had miscarriage after miscarriage, friends like me who have found even getting pregnant a huge challenge.
We were lucky with our first IVF because it worked and we have our beautiful son. It was hopeful and empowering because finally, we were pregnant and then, even though he was early, that little guy was alive and healthy. I've known for awhile that I wasn't going to "get over" my (our?) infertility - it might as well be branded on my soul. It stabs and hurts and aches that I need to call a doctor to even attempt to build my family further. But we did and we signed up for the ride and did the medicine and the transfer and the test. Negative.
I can pinpoint what I didn't lose this time - I didn't lose a baby. However, I lost a little more hope and got punched in the gut. I lost an opportunity. I lost time. I lost physical, emotional and mental well-being. I lost money in the gamble. To try this hard and have it not work? It sucks. It's another pervasive loss that I confront every time my throat wells up.
Those I've confided in keep telling me that it isn't my fault. I know that. I do. And reason bears that truth. But logic disagrees. And it's the wrong side of the statistics again. I'm so done with this side.
Maybe I'll write more when I can be cohesive. Maybe not.
