Good Weekend Lessens Stress Minutely

Here we see another week begin. The weekend was fun and included a country ride in an old Toyota, an afternoon fishing off a friend's boat, and some tasty BBQ. All in all, a good relaxing weekend. Which is excellent, because at first glance, next weekend is going to be hectic meeting so-and-so here at this time, then driving out there, picking up a thingamajig, loading it up and hauling it back to Point A, or F, I have no idea. Whatever are we going to do with the dogs? Perhaps they can ride along?

Still stressing about the thoughts jumping around in my head, but sleep and good food from this weekend really helped. I'm assuming that C set out a box muffin mix because he planned on making it and not so that I would get the hint that I was supposed to make it. I made it anyway, but the bread version instead of muffins. If you're reading through the lines, I'm sure that you can guess that a lot more happened and a lot more is running through my mind, but alas, it is now your turn to feel cold, left out, and in the dark. A big hug to the "anyone" that reads along.

Harley

The thoughts in my head are stressing me out. I am sure that has never happened to anybody else. They need to fade away into wallpaper. AM has convinced me that the dead rat's cage needs to be cleaned four or more days ago. She mentioned the words "health hazard."

I had an interview on Tuesday with a company I really like. I think that the interview went really well, but I still don't know the specifics of the job, such as salary, insurance coverage (v important for the baby-minded), and 401K. It's also about 10 miles from our house compared to the 25 miles I drive right now. I hope something comes of it, but I just got settled into my current job. They were very nice to me yesterday for Administrative Assistant's Day: I scored flowers, lunch, and the Food Lover's Companion. The new edition. I really like all of them and I even enjoy the work sometimes (the ability to email and blog at-will), but I could use a job with more people interaction. It might be a tough decision if it comes to that.

Tuesday is also the day my parents decided to put our dog to sleep. Harley was a great dog and she lived for 12 1/2 years with us. She was supposed to be a short-haired dachshund, but I think her dad wasn't who she thought her dad was. She wasn't even supposed to be our dog. We have two hours of Christmas on videotape with Grandma and Grandpa saying they really didn't want a dog. So we brought her home. I used to get up at 5 or 6 in the morning, put on Mom's snowsuit, and take the dog out. She was so small that we had to carve paths in the snow so that she could walk. She used to be really hyperactive and run insane circles around the couch and dining room table. All the other dogs were friends with her and I think she even enjoyed Bella, although the size difference was huge. You could always count on Harley to snuggle up with you on sick days. I am comforted knowing that Harley (yes, Davidson) never knew a bad or "hard" day in her life. She was well taken care of, well loved, and cherished always. November 1994 - April 2007 Harley. Will find pictures.

Left Field Interview

I'm a bit nervous. I have a job interview and I'm out of practice and not in the right frame of mind. Maybe she will look beyond all of that and realize that I'm more than qualified. Didn't have a chance to think about it, really. An email appeared yesterday and she called not two hours later to set up an interview. I chose today over Friday because even if I had a chance to prepare, I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. Wearing what I think looks professional - short sleeve black sweater and gray dress pants with black heels. And pearls courtesy of AM. I don't usually apply for jobs that would require suit-wearing, so I don't wear one. Would rather not. I'm distracted, that's why I'm not in the correct frame of mind. And I applied for this job over two months ago and recently decided that my job is just fine. Out of left field.

What am I thinking about? Hm, where to start? Another month of wanting to have a baby. Moses is gone (would be more real if I would finally clean his cage). When will the parents put Harley to sleep? How is Grandpa doing? What are we going to do with the medical bills? Should be drinking more water. Do I like my new makeup? Am I relating to people, friends, family the way I should be and the way they need me to? Maybe I'm just overwhelmed by my own mental onslaught. It's a great place to be. In other words, I don't feel at all prepared to talk myself up at 3pm today, but if anything good comes of it, we all know it won't be my doing. Why did the weather have to get all nasty again? Yesterday was beautiful.

Chatting Away

Is it at all weird that I talk to my reproductive organs? I know that pregnant women speak to their bellies (I know, their babies), but being unpregnant means that I talk to my ovaries and my uterus. Sometimes, I talk to my cervix, but mostly I leave her alone. I can't wait to teach my future children anatomy. I'm sure that I will learn a lot too!

Wedding & Babies

Amid my worries of pushing C too hard with all of this baby stuff, it is nice to find out that in his own way, he wants a baby just as much as I do. I think we both have a problem seeing how pregnancy leads to a baby due to previous circumstances, but if we can stick it out, everything should work out fine. This weekend, at the wedding, we were around so many babies and children, and C walked the bride's pregnant sister down the aisle. I got to spend a lot of time with little E (who still thinks he likes me) and AM. They are such a fun pair and a wonderful example of how motherhood changes a person for the better. We had fun hanging out with J&N, the other groomsman and his lovely wife (our husbands were the other two groomsmen + the bride's brother). All in all, it was a wonderful weekend and I love that C kept saying how much fun he had.

N&A are MARRIED! The wedding was, of course, beautiful, as was A. I think they had a wonderful time and so many of their friends and family came out to wish them well! C's brother even flew in from Chicago to come to the wedding and he was a lot of fun to hang out with! The boys got up at the reception and sang two songs to N&A. I don't remember the first one, but the second one was "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone." Toasts went well and the dancing was fun. I had the best time watching A walk down the aisle, hanging out with AM, N, J, and little E, and watching C have so much fun. Too bad he came away from it all with a cold and is staying home from work today. Poor baby.

Face Your Fear

Sometimes I think that I shouldn't be allowed to talk or write when I am tired (or hurt, for that matter). Hopefully this post doesn't turn into one of those times. I've posed the question recently to both C and a dear friend; if everyone else, whoever you may be, sees me as a pathetic figure or someone to be pitied. I won't promise to change, regardless of the answer, but I'm curious because I think that I might view myself from the outside looking in as pathetic and/or worthy of pity.

{There is this couple and she got pregnant [probably a delightful accident] and told people and then had a miscarriage [doesn't everyone have at least one?]. Of course they were disappointed, heartbroken even, but obviously they're completely over it because they're trying to have another baby. They will probably turn up pregnant any day now.}

I think that that paragraph is the type of disdain, irreverence and inaccuracy that I am afraid of. Encounter it head on and write it out for myself, I guess. Not everyone, or even the majority of warm-blooded humans, realize what effect their words have. No questions about whether the pregnancy was planned or surprise. No asking us if we're over the loss of our baby. No asking us if we're trying again or if we're pregnant again. No touching pregnant girls unless they explicitly say you can. No asking if multiples are the result of drugs or a procedure. Why can't people just be couth and decent and (heaven forbid) polite? Who dropped you on your head to erase those functions?

Tomorrow, Makeup & Drivers

I'm really eager for tomorrow to be here already, or at least for the work part of today to be over. I have the dress, the plan, and the directions, so I am all ready for this weekend! Going to sit here and drink my Naked juice and email everybody. Missed yesterday because I went to the doctor. She was nice and informative and I think I will keep her. Doctors usually bother me because of their pretensions or inability to relate to the general populous, but she seems good and comes highly recommended.

I bought the makeup that my Mom and sister use. I put it all on last night and went for a "night-time" look and asked C (the husband) if he liked it. He did not. I should not wear eyeliner on my bottom lid because it makes my eyes look puffy according to C. A bit brutal, but honest. He liked the rest of the look. I came out of the bathroom a few minutes later and sat next to him and he looked at me. He said that he really liked this look. I had just washed every trace of makeup off of my face. I knew he was like this from the beginning. He doesn't like the made-up, finished look so much as he enjoys seeing people (and me!) the way they really are. This boy has never told me to go put makeup on, do my hair, shave my legs, or change into something nicer. He really doesn't care and I love that about him. On the other hand, he's got some out-of-control facial hair going on right now and I wouldn't mind if it just went away.

I was also going to ask why I feel safer around a female driver in a Honda Civic putting her makeup on in the car than I do around some guy in a Ford Super Duty texting on his phone. Probably because when they wreck, the lady just killed herself and the dude just killed me (and he's fine). Does that make me sexist or some type of vehicle-ist? I don't take the responsibility lightly that I drive an SUV and that I am a little more likely to kill someone else in an accident than be killed (various circumstances determining the outcome, obviously). I just think it's interesting that little cars aren't more cautious around huge trucks. C has literally driven off the hood of a small car that rear-ended his truck. Get a clue. Fun doggie picture for today . . . Bella and me.

A Death in the Family

My heart and sympathies go out to everyone associated with the shootings in Virginia. I didn't know anyone involved.

However, we lost a smaller member of the family yesterday. As I sat down to relax last night (grateful that I could), I noticed that my pet rat, Moses, wasn't moving. I only got a little bit closer before going out to the garage to get C. I kept saying that I'm sure he's just sleeping and I guess he was. Moses died yesterday. He was a very good rat, judged mostly on the fact that he only bit me once when I poked him while he was sleeping. He never bit anyone else. I got him from a pet store before pet rats were popular, so he was a feeder rat that was supposed to go directly down a large snake's gullet. Technically, I rescued him. He was full grown when I got him, but I made sure to fatten him up quite a bit. He would have been with me for two years on Memorial Day. Lately, Moses had been losing weight and losing his balance a lot, so I knew his time was near. I think he went to heaven in his sleep because there weren't any signs of a struggle. Poor guy.

We buried Moses in the backyard under some bricks (thanks, C) and now I'm sure that he's not in pain anymore. I really need to clean his cage tonight because I kept looking at it expecting to see him in there last night. He did have a very nice life. I picture him running around the green yard and trying to dart under the bushes and then I think of how he was so attached to me in these last weeks, very content to sit on my shoulder or in my hood for awhile. Moses was loved.

My deepest condolences go out to L, who also lost her grandma yesterday. I'm here for you whenever you need me.

Makeup, Clothes, and Car Trips

No one is looking over my shoulder today at work. There are just a set of tasks that I must accomplish. In between those, I can screw off as much as I'd like. Finally finished off a very full weekend. Mom and Dad and sister B came down Saturday morning (leaving C and I just enough time to clean the house). We went out to lunch and did some shopping. Found Mom and B's makeup at a store closer to my house, so we didn't have to brave the mall on Saturday afternoon. They've almost talked me into this makeup that is supposed to be healthy for your skin. I sort of believe it. This huge store has all of the high end makeup and salon quality hair products and soaps and scents and it's just really cool.

I would like to complain about the clothing industry for a moment. Isn't it bad enough that when we buy something black that we don't know if when we buy another something black that it will match the first? So, why can't they just break down and create a consistent sizing methodology? Not to mention that because of the inconsistencies, I have no idea whether to buy a size 2 or a size 12 (both are in my closet). I can go into any store and buy a large shirt and a size 34 waist (32 inseam) pant and know that both items WILL FIT C! But I have to play around with sizes and companies and heaven forbid I shop in what they call juniors, because then, the well-thought-out sizing changes from even numbers to odd numbers. Terrific. I received my smaller dress in the mail on Friday and though I am delighted that it fits better, it still isn't perfect and it is a size that I didn't think I wore. I probably shouldn't hold my breath, but I would love to go into a store, pick up a pair of jeans/pants/a shirt in the size I usually wear and know that it fits. Too much to ask, I know.

Looking forward to this coming weekend - N&A are getting married! I get to see AM and little E. The boys get to pal around and party hard at the reception. I get to visit E&R's house and see their puppies. Oh, and I'm grabbing some black and white film for the old camera to take pictures of everyone at the wedding. Only thing I'm not excited about is the car trip, but if I can ride with AM and E, it should go a bit smoother. Three days left . . .

Lotsa Posts

Yesterday was 50 posts on this blog. I've been doing a lot better even if I blog about nothing. Permission was granted to post another one of my old stories on the corresponding blog, but I decline. I think it is too mean and potentially embarrassing for the person I wrote it about. I'm going to snail mail him a copy along with my apologies. Mostly for the writing - it was for expos I and is atrocious.

Lots of unstable feelings around the office today because we lost some business. I'm new, so I don't quite understand the ramifications, but I know that it's not good. I hope things even out and that I get to experience some regular down time when everything is going right. Will try and post a new/old story next week.

Guacamole Links

Wow, I've been an interneting junkie today: checking out blogs, websites, retail. And yet, I feel like I have accomplished something. I added a link to the left titled The Stories that connects with another blog I just started to feature my stories. I'm going to get started with some stories from the past (if you read the one that's there now, note the date it was written at the bottom) and work my way up to new, fresh ways to reveal the wordsmith within. Definitely will not post on there everyday, but it should be interesting. I've wanted to post my stories for a long time and after I recently sent one to friend AM, she suggested I post it. So there is a safe, separate place to go to read stories that Anne wrote. Enjoy.

I will enjoy the day too, if only because I put on my bright orange Polo sweater this morning and finally bought some good detangling conditioner. I hate tangles, but oh, how I love bright orange. Yellow Polo Ponies really make my day complete. All of this better inspire me to write, otherwise I started another blog for nothing. I started growing my avocado tree yesterday after making some very tasty guacamole.

Copper Stories

I've been very productive for the past two days (maybe not at work . . .) with answering emails, writing letters, washing ALL of the dishes, doing laundry, and last night, unpacking the two boxes of things that go on my dresser. We moved here at the end of October and apparently, I haven't needed a necklace since. I went through all of my jewelry (not much) and put in in a cedar box I found in Grandma's stuff. I think she would like it there. I put out the ceramic pitcher that a college friend made and I set Grandma's copper pitcher next to it. I love the contrast of new and old.

I had a chance to go through old stories and I found the ones I wrote about E, T, and A. I don't think they flatter any of them and I wish I could have written them better. I'm thinking of sending E the one I wrote about him because he's asked to see it several times. I also found a story titled "I Lost My Baby" for creative writing class. I vaguely remembered that it was in that folder, but I don't know if I should have opened and read it. The first part didn't grab me, but the second half was creative nonfiction about C and how I married him because I knew he would make a good dad. It was a little heartbreaking and I cried. I was more surprised by how well I captured the emotions of an experience that I'd never been through (yet) and that the tone hit me as accurate and somehow not wallowing in despair. I like that story a lot. It says so much about how women start thinking about what's happening in their lives and how these thoughts snowball into something very real to them.

Reflection

This Saturday I would have been 20 weeks along in my pregnancy. Halfway through. I just needed to say that. September, when I was due, is going to be a hard month and I hope that I will be pregnant again by then. I don't think it will make the dates passing any easier, but it may soften the blow of harsh reality. That September will pass without a newborn in the family. And the fingers are quiet because maybe that was all that needed to be said today. It's not a bad day, just one of solemn reflection while still trying to see what is on the horizon.

Easter Weekend Stuff

Easter weekend was full of everything that it should be: friends, family, and food. Homemade macaroni and cheese, seven-layer salad, scalloped potatoes, Grandma's green beans, and the pasta salad were everything I needed. Too bad, that I just can't admit to myself or anyone else that I don't like ham. Deli ham is fine, but a slab of warm, cooked ham that I need to cut up and put in my mouth, doesn't make my mouth water. And I don't need everyone to know that there is another food I don't like - they make fun of me the way it is. I'm pretty sure that I'll get halfway through my chocolate bunny today. I was so happy that the Easter Bunny brought the solid chocolate bunnies - the hollow ones are such a disappointment!

Easter dinner with the family was wonderful. I love seeing Grandpa and my aunt and uncle around a full table (delicious food courtesy of Mom). The evening before, I headed out to my in-laws (G&L) with R&AM+E. We had a wonderful time out there with the family (C's aunt and uncle were out and we love seeing them), just eating and hanging out in the house. I got another chance to hang out with AM and little E for an extended period of time and just talk. I think we both are beginning to count time in the period until we see one another again (two weeks). The entire weekend was very busy, but so nice! I finally got to give the lovely J a hug and enjoy brunch with her (which I am afraid that I dominated!). I hope the book offers some insight.

C and I went to Grandpa's house to look through and figure out what we'd like to have. C brought home a ladder and some tools and I am getting Grandma's china, a few of her beautiful glass pieces, copper tea kettle, and a ceramic pitcher that my dad said she made sweet tea in for him when he was little. I love when he shares things like that because I still don't know a whole lot about his childhood. Dad also offered something interesting to C or C's dad, G. Grandpa used to own and run a grocery store and he kept his bone saw from when he butchered. It looks like a hacksaw with a very nice wooden handle and when I told G, he said that he'd love to put it up on the wall (which is nice, because that's where I thought it belonged). It was both fun and sad to go through the house, because it's been hard to get it through my mind that Grandma's gone (I have her button collection) and I don't want to think about anything happening to Grandpa. I think he was happy that I took Grandma's china. I now get a chance to fit all of their things into my house and life and I get to remember them every time I look at one of those pieces.

Again, Head, Meet Desk . . .

I'm exhausted for no reason. Breathing in seems to take every bit of effort I can muster up. I need to be superhuman when I get home, but if C isn't there and we can't leave early, I will pack a bag and wait. On my bed with my eyes closed, I will wait. I was up this morning because they gave me sugar. Krispy Kreme Donut Holes. Then I crashed. Madly.

I was hoping that they would let us go home early today, but after lunch they seemed to gain a second wind. Where do you buy those? I'm staring at a food item list and I keep seeing "American, sliced." I know they're referring to cheese, and you should know that they are referring to cheese, but do all of the nations out there that hate us know that cheese is what they mean? I sure hope so. Very tired. Expected to work? You've got to be kidding.

Needing the 13th

It's the 5th, but I wish it was the 13th. Even if it is a Friday. I don't want to skip this weekend at all though, just those five pesky days next week when they expect me to work. This weekend is going to be fun. I get to see J, who has been such a source of inspiration, hope, and general wonderfulness, and I haven't actually seen her, or been able to hug her since October. I anticipate great things. I will also be meeting up with AM, E, and R to head out to the in-laws "farm." It's going to be 30 degrees for E's first farm experience, but boy are our dogs going to have a swell time. The weekend culminates without an Easter Egg Hunt (reminds me too much of what I don't have), but with an Easter dinner at Mom's house with ham and scalloped potatoes. Did I already mention that? I will eat bowl a bowl full of scalloped potatoes every day after Easter until they are gone. I really enjoy scalloped potatoes. Mom even figured out that when she started using the lactose-free milk, that the scalloped potatoes came out creamier (true for any gravy).

I can leave here in twelve minutes. I can smell the fresh air. Need to go to the grocery store. Need to buy stamps, wash dishes, wash clothes, pack. Need to be okay.

Writing the Ebb

Yesterday worked itself into a weird ebb and flow. There were some dark gray feelings in email-land, some friends that were a little down about circumstance and outlook. I had my moments, and then I let them go and tried to cheer my friends up about their lots. For the first time in awhile, everything going on didn't get me down. I took all of their feelings, tried to be a good friend and make them feel better, and stayed positive myself.

I write over three pages a day in words. More, if you count what I type for the job. Three pages encompasses this blog, and these huge emails I've been sending to assorted friends and family. Virtually book-length emails. If there was only a way I could harness the word power into a plot long enough to settle down and write a book. Nevertheless, I think upon my deathbed they will find that I was prolific.

Thinking of Easter

Chipotle was tasty last night and I finally made the wise decision to only eat half. We exchanged the oval toilet seat for the round (it happens a lot) and C installed that. We still need to make a point of walking the dogs every night. Oh, and today I bought a JCrew dress off of eBay! For under s $100 which is unheard of. I hope it fits and looks nice. Speaking of which, I need to mosey over to theknot.com to RSVP for T&K's wedding. It's the next festive affair on the list.

It's only Tuesday, but I'm looking forward to going home for Easter this weekend. Mom cooks a really tasty ham and scalloped potatoes. No Easter egg hunt this year. I told Mom that I just wouldn't be okay with that reminding me of children and babies and everything. Much, much more, but not enough time to write!

As the Head Hits the Desk

Exhaustion just smacked me upside the head. Can't think. Need sleep. And not in the creepy bed. Will explain tracking one's fertility at a later date and time. Uhhhhh . . .

Weightless

This weekend may have changed everything. Very dramatic, I know, but for those of you that know me, I pretend to be low-key and then I jump off of something tall, spread my arms open wide, and proclaim unto the world . . . any darn thing I want to. It's how my life best operates. Regardless, it was a weekend not to be soon repeated. N&A had parties, the boys drank way too much, and everyone had a grand time. Bigger than that, I think that I might have regained a friend. I don't want to be presumptuous, so I think that things are finally okay between us.

I don't put so much stock in signs or messages that mean more than the obvious, but my friend J had some very specific, important words for me on Friday about friendship and I think that they broke down the very last obstacle or argument I might have had in giving up the grudge. Thankfully, both AM and R are more mature than I am and less likely to hold grudges. They apparently were in forgiving moods and I was the lucky recipient. I am the first to say that I know AM and I won't be the same friends we were, but frankly, I'm just so excited that there is an opportunity there and that I didn't ruin things so that C couldn't hang out with his best friend R and their wives (+ baby, hers). I missed my friend and her knowledge and I know that C and R missed the comfortable friendship that the four (now five!) of us had. I feel awful that my stubbornness is what prevented any reconciliation earlier, but we were blessed with the wonderful opportunity Sunday to have a moment.

I don't know if you can tell through my words, but I'm bouncing off the walls, despite being beyond exhausted. I'm having trouble focusing on the keyboard enough to type, but lucky you, I'll run it through spell check when I'm done. A huge weight of all these bad feelings has been lifted off of me. I am grateful. And apparently hormonal because I'm tearing up every couple of minutes. I do not understand the bodies that God gave us to live in . . .

Huge thank you to J, for the right words at the right time, to R, for treating me like your friend, to AM, for forgiving me, being the more mature one, and for letting me hold little E.