I'm not quite ready to go back to bright orange text; it's not that happy yet. I can't believe I was so excited, because I don't think that I'm the excitable type, but those who know me would probably say different. I have photographs that would say different. I still miss the excitement and more, the sense of purpose (described in an earlier post). It's unreal how life just flips all the way over. The weekends have been hard because we don't have a lot of friends and it's been so cold outside. And then everything bad happened over one weekend while we were at home and had time to dwell on it and just wait for the inevitable. That all could have made the weekends a little bit worse. I know there have to be nice people here, but I was explaining to C last night, I go days without seeing anyone my age or talking to someone with something in common with me and it's hard. I don't really want to reach out again because of all the horrible friends I've made. The best ones are from before I was eight (although some pretty nice ones showed up in high school too). I'm rambling.
Last night we drove out to Hillsdale Lake, where we will probably be spending a good amount of time this summer. It's really pretty and C can't wait to fish on it. The dogs came with and hung their heads out the windows right up until it started hailing. My Jeep was just pounded and I kept worrying, but C said that we had insurance and it would be okay. Most of the awful weather missed our house (although C is hoping for some damage so that we can get a new roof), but there was a lot more hail in the area and a tornado two counties over. Gotta love Kansas. And it snowed huge flakes about 9:30 this morning. Go figure.
I applied for four jobs at the medical center today. I'm hoping something will come of it. The people here appreciate me, but it's really far to drive and I only see an average of five people on a daily basis (that includes the mailman, Doug, and the UPS guy, Ben). Besides, I think it would be nice to work somewhere that has really good benefits and understands pregnant women when that time comes around for me again. The only reason it's been so good here at my job lately is that I haven't had to look at a menu to redo; I think I hate that part. I'll see some menus early next week though and tomorrow all of the consultants are coming in for their monthly meeting. It's like Grand Central Station here.
I mentioned to my mom that I found the answers to some of the questions I had about miscarriage online yesterday. That made me feel a lot better because I had real answers in my hands. I now know what is happening to my body. Comforting at least. I also wanted to say real quick that I am so excited for my friend J. She and her husband heard their baby's heartbeat earlier this week and that is such good news. J has been so sweet through all of this and very supportive since she knows exactly what it's like. Thank you, J!
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