Purple on Green on Khaki

I can't say the day became much better after turning on my truck and driving home yesterday. Or maybe that's my morning "low" talking - I was fairly excited about today when I woke up. It's all part of the plan, that in actuality may or may not work right away, but there is a plan in place. It is comforting. One might be able to discern that I was being positive this morning by looking at the cute outfit I picked out, but the mood has diminished as the clock's ticked on. Maybe it will come back.

I wondered to C the other night if having too much information about all of this pregnancy, miscarriage, infertility stuff is bad for me. My miscarriage obviously means that nothing will ever be so easy, innocent, or taken for granted again, but I don't know if I need to have all of this other information covering every "what If." I'm hoping against another miscarriage, a stillborn, any sort of infertility and that's not at all effective in preventing any of that. I can't help thinking that any information is helpful information and since it doesn't really freak me out or worry me a lot, it must be good. I have virtually immersed myself in the blogs and stories of all sorts of people in the last few weeks. I think it's helped me move past what happened and realize that there is a reason for hope. My friends J and E both had miscarriages and J is in the midst of a healthy pregnancy and E went on to have a little girl. Their stories offer me hope. I was thinking last night that I don't know what I'll do if the same thing happens again. I'm not sure I can handle another loss like that and I don't need everyone to assure me that it won't happen again. Statistically, it shouldn't happen again, especially since I'm young and healthy, but it could. Everyone assured me that it wouldn't happen the first time. I'm worried, but very sane and practical. I just can't always help thinking, when reading these books, that I didn't do anything I wasn't supposed to and next time I won't either. There's nothing I can really do differently. That's why women in my position feel so powerless and out-of-control; the situation and what happened to our babies was literally out of our realm of control and there wasn't anything we could do to remedy that.

Trying not to end on a down note, I think I'll be excited to be pregnant again sometime. I just have to read my first few posts and even though I was careful in writing them, I can tell that I was so excited. As I'm sure we will be again. I think J told me that it helps to thank God for every minute of everyday that he lets you care for the little baby inside of you and that when/if He takes them back to be with Him, then cherish and be thankful for the time the little one was with you. I can probably accept some version of that. I can probably do with a little more nausea and fatigue, too. At least I realize by now that nothing happens in my timing, so . . .