Patterned Hands

I've been playing on the internet (because that is what I do all day) and steering clear of some of the baby/infertile/miscarriage blogs and websites that I was visiting. Instead, I am gathering more information about patterns and designs and fabric - which are wonderfully represented out here in cyberworld. What I've been mucking around in today is this awesome blog that has two tangents - one about aprons. The thing about aprons is that I like them and they make me happy. I found two aprons at a thrift store a few years ago and I wore them to school. With everything: jeans, dress pants, black skirt, shorts. I was made fun of quite a bit, but I enjoyed having something tied around my waist and the apron acted as a shield from bad things. Since it made me happier to wear it and it wasn't ratty or anything, no one said anything about taking it off (it was really simple and black, later I found out of the Pizza Hut variety). I passed it along to my sister when I graduated from high school and she began wearing it.

I made that apron this past weekend and I think it's nice enough to wear in the kitchen or to work. Imagine if you will a brown linen blend with dark blue vertical stripes. The seams are orange. No pocket. I need to work on the pocket thing, but I kind of figured I didn't need one.

That's not the only "thing" I had in high school. I was big on creating my own happiness. There were head hugs and happy dances and henna. The last one was more of a middle finger to a school policy that prohibited tattoos. Not a damn thing they could do about henna designs on my hands. I should have taken pictures of my designs, but I think I left that all behind without a single example.

Not A Lot

Fixed things with the husband. It helps that he's happier at his new job and that he works with one of his best friends. And that he has three guys interested in this Toyota motor/transmission that's been sitting in the garage since December. I watched him put the clean dishes from the dishwasher away too and all of these things stack the points in his favor.

Now if the talking and running around in the office will cease for a few hours so that I can email in peace, all will be right with the world. Have I mentioned that sister B is due to move into the house with us this weekend? She's going to take some classes at a nearby college and hang out. Mostly, she's going to get out of our hometown and (I'm hoping) provide me with a friend up here. I think it's a good thing for her and I'm really excited! She gets to sleep in the orange library which is also really cool.

I'm going to look at some more sewing books and maybe some patterns. On the things that people say . . . Someone wouldn't say "It happens to a lot of people," or "You would be surprised how often that happens," to a family whose child just died, so why would they say that to me when I lost my baby? All that statement can possibly do is allow them tell me that my grief should be less because a whole passel of people have experienced the same thing. No they haven't. Thanks for playing the what-we-inappropriately-say-to-the-grief-stricken game, please try again next time.

Sewing Closed the Gash

It's not that men don't have emotional fluctuations, it may just be that they can contain them a bit better. I'm not okay with it. I get to the point where I think I am, can talk about the miscarriage (notice it's "the" and not "my") without crying, still talk about the pregnancy happily and even next time, then the unhappy little grinch starts to come out. The best I can tell you is that if you've never had a mc, then you've had a charmed pregnancy. Even with aches and pains and contractions and labor: charmed and innocent. I don't know what all that's like, but for next time, I'm praying that I get to experience them. When you say "like last time," you mean that time when you were pregnant, delivered, and have that beautiful baby on your hip. When I say "like last time," I mean dead baby and not a thing anyone could do about it. So when you ask me, and I thank you for asking me even though it felt a little like you were doing research, and whatever I have to say you respond to with "Oh, so you're okay now," makes me not like you a little bit. Yeah, I'm okay for most of the days out of any given cycle (not month, cycle). Except the ones anticipating ovulation and the ones around ovulation and the ones after that include the false hope of the next pregnancy. The days when blood appears and is no longer about the circle of life, but a stark reminder of death are also days when I'm "okay." Just in case you were wondering. I am doing better, in comparison to how I was feeling two or three months ago. Maybe nothing you could have said would have been right, but I am still glad that I saw you and thankful that we could talk and I had a chance to hold your seven-week-old son.

It's been a rough few days with C's job situation (long story, he quit this morning), a lot of family through the house, and the thoughts in my head. I have to wonder if given more attention, would the thoughts grow like a cancer or allow themselves to be patiently addressed and filed away? I need them to file nicely. Since they won't, I've been a little harsh to C (justifiably - some things we need to work through even if he's stressed out) and I've been sewing and reading like they're going out of style. Made an awesome apron on Sunday and a skirt yesterday (can we tell who wasn't getting much attention from her husband?). Still can't believe that I made something I can actually wear, although, don't be too impressed because it required no buttons, button holes, or zippers. Those are next.

Shout Out Sewing Style

I am a bit nauseous. It's probably because I'm wearing a polo shirt, or because I had two bites of mac&cheese last night. Cruel world. Speaking of nausea and a cruel world, not being pregnant again already was weighing on me these past few months, but I think we're moving past that a bit. There was a loss that will never be forgotten, but life is getting back to whatever normal was before all of this happened. Interestingly enough, before the struggle was all about getting pregnant, but now it's about staying pregnant and getting a healthy baby. I no longer have much of the disconnect between pregnant and baby. I'm very sure which one I'd rather have and if it takes the other one to get it - sign me up.

C told me that his brothers are driving down and will be staying with us Saturday and Sunday. This throws me into a panic because of the food situation. These boys eat! I'll have three of them and then C's parents on Sunday, but he thankfully mentioned that they were bringing stuff to grill. Our house seems so small when a lot of people are there, but it seems happier too. I can't wait to see the brothers!

As far as my sewing endeavors go, I made a small tote bag last night out of remnant fabric. I think that I executed the project well enough, but the fabric looks awful. I need to pass it on to a sweet ten-year-old girl. It took me three hours and I didn't quite follow the directions. I'm thinking of tackling a pattern project next, or making a non-pattern skirt from my sewing-a-skirt book. I bought this great orangeredyellow fabric with a geometric female warrior goddess face on it that would make a beautiful skirt. If I can execute.

Happy Birthday to R-man (it's your golden birthday!) on Monday and my friend J (who turns 25) on Tuesday. I missed J-brotha, who I will see this weekend and bake a cake for - Happy Birthday on the 21st!

Searching for a TeddyBearAlien

Not feeling so hot today. I temporarily forgot that dairy products will kill me. Because they haven't tried to kill me over the past few months, I thought that the vendetta was suspended. And now it's not. Dairy wants me dead in the most painful of ways.

Very tired too. Started reading The Red Tent last night and I am finding it an easy read, but without a lot to compel readers at this point. Maybe should have started sewing instead. I need to find a project that excites me. I wonder how hard it would be to make a funny teddybearalien. It would let me mess up and try all of the stitches. Those inspirational books should be arriving from amazon.com anytime now. That's funny - I'm too tired to make much sense.

Wonderful Weekend

What can I say? I enjoy writing somewhere that I can go back and read what I thought and where everyone else can read what I think, but they certainly don't have to (as far as I know, my mom doesn't read this anymore because the darker posts make her sad). I like to communicate on this level.

That said, this weekend was SO much fun, and yet, as never before, the fun and happiness is tinged with sadness. I desperately try to outrun all of the looming gray clouds, but I don't often succeed. They're just there. I assume that they always will be. I get to be the girl that sits in the midst of her friends and still looks a little sad. I'm not sad about the friends, just that, you know, life unpredictably changed and unseated me. So that sometime it feels like the four-legged chair only has three. I was surrounded by so much love and so many friends this weekend, but there was still an undeniable feeling of being alone. No sarcasm intended, I'm doing well, we are doing well; it's only the instances in the sometimes that cause a little jag of . . . yeah.

Anyway, I am so blessed by the people that call me a friend. I would like to think that I am even more thankful after everything that went on between AM and me, but I know that I'm still growing and maturing in the "appreciation of friends" department. That said, on my drive home Friday, I stopped to see family friends and then spent a moment with V and her pup. I spent supper with the family and went out to catch sister B's friend in a band. We saw a lot of the townies since the college kids have mostly cleared out for the summer. Caught up with S, stopped by V's bar, and had K join us. Then linked up with the FH alumni crew (always a good time). Home late, good sleep, off to sweet A for the haircutting miracle. The hair is all gone - will see if I can get a picture from L from Friday night at the bar. I got to see L! She was in town from CO because her sister graduated! The haircut is awesome though. Will work on pictures.

Saturday, after said haircut, went to early lunch with little E and AM. Both who behaved so well (I expected AM to). The new cafe downtown was wonderful. Then we went to the fabric store to get me started in the sewing world. Hit up T&K's wedding at two, which was everything a wedding should be: full of love and happiness and vibrating excitement. Off to sweet A's sister's graduation party that was full of friends that I hadn't seen in some time (I'm especially devoted to sweet A's grandma). Head out to R&AM's to say hi and back into town, meet up with my best friend from high school, A (who introduced me to C!), and got to catch up. Went out on the town with S and crew and some more old FHers. Sunday is family time, so sister B and I went shopping and had a really nice dinner with Mom and Dad.

As I said, an excellent weekend. Even found my GAP dress for $69.99 marked down to $35. How fitting for a finishing detail. I have so many friends to email now that I better go and keep the ties strong.

Hair Knit Ready-To-Go Disease

I already want to jump in the Jeep and head out to the hometown for the weekend. The one other lady in the office might not smile about that, so I must stay until 4:30 (will try to get out earlier though!). Trying to figure out why I'm so excited and I think it is because C isn't coming along. It's my weekend, in my town, with my friends. I don't usually think about it that way, because C's friends and family are the best I could ask for, but sometimes I need my individuality back for a second. I have no idea how long it takes, but there comes a time in any relationship this close where you start to feel like an extension of each other. It comes with the warm, snugly feeling along with the trapped, unyielding feeling, even though in no way does that reflect the love either has. None of this makes any sense, but it does a little bit in my head.

To exhibit my leaning towards hypochondria, I wanted to ask if anyone knows what disease I have. Symptoms are: moderate fatigue (could just be me) and itchy palms of hands and soles of feet. Coworker said that it sounds hormonal. Maybe I'll Google it, but that usually turns up awful pictures and terrible information. I'm just curious.

Received my knitting book in the mail yesterday and I've looked it over. Knitting looks really hard. I plan on going out to get the equipment necessary this weekend and seeing if I can find a real live person to sit down and explain it to me. I'm also going to join AM in her quest to create and refashion things. I'm going to bring my mom's (barely used) sewing machine home and maybe learn to sew. For this urge I've got to create, you'd think I'd be satisfied with ACTUALLY writing the book I've been talking about. But alas, I've misplaced my wonderful plot somewhere inside of my head. Maybe in making a blanket, then a sweater, and perhaps a pillow, I will find the plot.

For this weekend, I get to see sister B TONIGHT! Sweet A, the best haircutter in the world, said she would see me Saturday morning and I hope to catch AM and little E for a lunch-ish type encounter afterwards. T&K are getting married at 2pm, so over to the church I go - then the rest of the afternoon is mine! Someone needs to convince me that I shouldn't bite the bullet and cut all of my hair off right now. The deal was that I would get a very classy (insert chuckle here) fauxhawk when I became three months pregnant, or right out of the first trimester. Since we're sitting around on our thumbs waiting for that to happen, AND C would rather me cut off two fingers than get a fauxhawk, I might just cut it because it is the beginning of summer, it's getting way too tangly, it takes too long (too hot) to dry and flat iron, and C seems to like it a lot more short. See, right there I've almost got myself talked into it, but here's the flip side: my hair has never been this long, it's pretty, I love to braid and ponytail it, and (here's the big one) I feel ill whenever I think about it gone. That didn't happen the last time I cut all of my hair off. I think that I'll troll the internet to find cute hairstyles that jump out at me. Maybe I'll let Sweet A cut it all off.

NoOneButMeCaresAndThat'sOkay

Compulsive action. Partial lyrics to my favorite Bowling for Soup song. It can alternately cause me to rock out (as only punk-pop can) or put me right to sleep (meaning my comfort level is screwy).

Girl All the Bad Guys Want
8 o'clock, Monday night and I'm waitin'
To finally talk to a girl a little cooler than me.
Her name is Nona, she's a rocker with a nose ring,
She wears a two way, but I'm not quite sure what that means.

And when she walks,
All the wind blows and the angels sing.
She doesn't notice me!

Cause she is watchin' wrestling
Creamin' over tough guys
Listenin' to rap metal
Turntables in her eyes

It's like a bad movie
She is lookin' through me
If you were me, then you'd be
Screamin' "Someone shoot me!"
As I fail miserably,
Tryin' to get the girl all the bad guys want.

Gotta love it. I sure do. It's the reason I have not one, but TWO Vans Warped Tour 2003 tee shirts. And I blacked out twice (sun, not alcohol). Wouldn't do it again, but loved that I did it once. Then, there is the music. Bowling for Soup, Something Corporate, American Hi-Fi, and Allister comfort me better than anything. C used to play The Urge and Dido for me when I was trying to go to sleep. Songs, scents, and sensations seem to be the top memory recalls of this life.

Another Dollar

I don't even remember what song Vertical Horizon was semi-famous for. They are the next ones up in the remainder of the week - retro style celebration. It's still putting me in a better mood than before. I might listen to the Drive Me Crazy soundtrack next - you know the movie? Starring Melissa Joan Hart and that guy who is on Entourage now? Very good teen flick - complete with a lesson to learn, but I forget what it was. Maybe something about using people?

Anyway, bought the paper for the giant list of lists last night. Felt like a loser/pretender in the fabric aisle, so I'll have to conquer that another time. C was mostly on board with the whole list thing - he suggested that we paint a high gloss patch on the wall, but I said I wanted to keep the lists when I was finished. It's not even that I want to keep them, it's more that I don't want them erased before I'm ready. That's the risk with a chalkboard or dryeraseboard. So I have paper and now I need to figure out how to affix it to the wall without hurting the paint. We just painted that room orange (creamsicle) in December and I love it and in no way want to harm or maim it. Tape, no; sticky tack, no; poster strips; expensive and no. I think I've pulled sheet rock off with all of those. Other suggestions welcome.

I was going to explain to everyone my irrational fear of life-life moving and non-moving things, but I'm thinking about saving that for another day. Let's just say that the Rainforest Cafe is nowhere near my Top 100 Places to Eat. So much so, that upon entering and sitting down, those with me found it my best interest to leave. Thank you for that.

Lists

Let's try this again. I had a fantastic idea. I've been daydreaming about lists. Small lists, giant lists, colorful lists, white lists, and mostly, incomplete lists. What I did around Christmastime was buy a set of three small notebooks with lines - very compact. Gave one to sister B and one to her friend B. I keep everything in there: addresses, phone numbers, dates, stamps, websites, blogs, books to buy, movies to watch, songs to download, future kids' names, etc. - everything. This, turns out, isn't enough. So, when the time and a bit of money arrive, I am off to figure out the giant list. I originally thought of a wall covered in butcher paper - white, so that the pens, markers, colored pencils, crayons show up, but since one of the lists is how to actively and visibly cut back spending and throw that money at debt, I can't rationalize spending money on the giant list page. I could spread out paper bags and tape them up. Would an old sheet work? I love my Sharpies, and they might go right through. It's going to be a list of lists for at least the rest of the year. I might do fabric so that I can wash it and make something out of it when I'm finished. I love to save things like that. What should I use? I'm itching. Might break down and buy butcher paper or large swatch of cotton fabric. Tell me that none of this points to obsessive compulsiveness. I just need lists.

So far: list of stupid purchases, tally of numbers to pay off credit card (did you know that Satan purchases souls with his American Express?), books I need to read, movies to watch, songs to download, people to call, home improvements that need to be made, pictures, savings plan, dishes to make, projects to start, ideas to improve upon. I think you get the idea. I need a giant list of lists. I just forgot everything else.

Today is retro music day for me. Listened to some 98 Degrees on the drive here. There is some Train playing in the background and I'm about to switch it out to BritneyChristinaPink. Keeps the mood up (through the therapy of laughing) and that's the only defense I have.

Easy Decisions

I'm wearing the green long sleeve v-neck shirt that I really like. With the bracelet that AM gave me for Easter last year. And my pink flowered Diesels. I locked my keys in the house this morning and C had to come and unlock the door. For some reason he found it amusing. So I was late to work. And I've been working hard. There have been headaches for the past week. Sharp, stabbing headaches that I don't usually get. Maybe I have a tumor. Or no sense of humor.

We went out to Applebee's last night and it was good. C was well behaved. The server left us alone to enjoy our dinner. And then we visited our stainless steel sink at Home Depot. He's still a beauty. Someday soon, he will come home with us. My head hurts still.

Update: I did not get the job that I interviewed three times for (am I supposed to be feeling dizzy too?). The lady that really liked me called me to tell me that she really liked me and didn't usually call, but she wanted to let me know that they hired someone else. She'd keep my resume on file (don't they always say that?). I thought that was really nice of her to call, especially because I enjoyed her as a person - she's caring and excited about things. For a moment I thought about internalizing the rejection, but I think I'm going to figure that I was a little over-qualified for the position and they couldn't pay me what I asked for. And those things are okay with me. I wanted a definite answer about all of this - I didn't want to have to make a difficult choice, so a big resounding "No" takes care of that. Besides, this way I can go on vacation with C! I might have had to forfeit that with no vacation leave built up at a new position. Head still hurts.

The Lazy Drive

Another week following another weekend. We took a back highway out to C's folks on Friday evening - it took about 45 minutes longer to reach our destination, but I think the back road relaxed C. The dogs were surprisingly well behaved all weekend. Bella and Boris spent Saturday inside R&AM's fenced yard and I shaved Bella on Sunday. I think she's grateful and I've been telling her how pretty she looks, so for the first time, she doesn't seem ashamed with her haircut. Since I leave her head, legs, and tail unshaved, she tends to look even more like a lion. But she's SO much cooler! We might shave Boris later in the summer - we'll have to see how he adjusts to the heat.

The boys helped R out with the roof and I hope he can get it near finished today. I didn't realize that the roof was that steep, so I'm glad no one fell off. I finished up my huge project on Friday night and gave it to AM on Saturday. It was so wonderful to spend a whole day with her and little E. We played and shopped and fed the boys and it was great!

On Sunday, I let C sleep in and we had lunch with my mom and dad. Grandpa and my friend S came along and it was a great lunch. Mom and I went to see my sister at work and then it was time to head back home. Abby and Boris played so hard that he passed out when we got home. It was a really nice weekend, but I still feel like I have sleep to catch up on. I bet C is sore.

Hives & Stress

Does anyone want some proof that I am a little stressed out by everything that's going on? I have hives. The macaroni and cheese last night made me sick this morning and then I got hives. For no good reason. But you see, I have only had hives one time before that I remember and they scare me. Or rather, not being able to stop scratching scares me and the more I scratch, the more hives appear, and the more they itch. Bad, terrible cycle. Which also scares me. So I itched and scratched and called mom and C. They told me to calm down and to go get Benadryl. I have a reaction to Benadryl - I become angry. So angry that Mom stopped giving it too me when I was little because she'd rather me scratch my head off than be so mean and angry. I calmed down enough that the hives began to recede and I went out to buy some Benadryl. Now I'm tired, somewhat dizzy, and talking very s-l-o-w-l-y. But I'm at work earning a living.

Mom thought they might be caused by all of this stress in my life. I can't believe it, C asked me, "What stress?" Um, I don't know, C. I think that I just told you last night that I was feeling very out-of-control-of-each-and-every-circumstance-surrounding-me and powerless. Glad you listened. Super glad that your response was "I can't do anything about that." I tried to tell him that I just wanted him to try and understand. I repeated that today on the phone with him after the hives were much better. I don't think he got it. He wants on thing to be the reason for any mood that I am in and when there are more, I don't think they compute. From what I can gather, I'm stressed about the job situation - both C's and mine, the dogs, anything baby related, not being able to see my friends, family, and everything else, you know, crime against women, flooding in our area, tornadoes, tropical storms, you name it.

I feel a little better and the hives are mostly gone and now I'm wishing that the Benadryl wasn't doing this to me. I think the essential oil blend Peace&Calming is really helping. I should wear it more. That's all. The eyes are falling closed.

Dresses & Packages

I went home last night and found that JCrew had sent me a new dress. Very good news, seeing as how there was a rip in the one I sent back to them. I wouldn't have been so dedicated, except that this dress came in a color that didn't make me look washed out or pale. That's what is important to me. I was also worried because their online store said that they were out of the dress in the color and size that I needed. And it arrived, which means that I have a lovely choice of what to wear to the wedding next weekend.

Even though that package arrived, I was expecting another package and when I got home and it wasn't there - I threw a mini fit. Then the fed-ex guy showed up. So I worked a little bit on my huge project, which I had to whittle down to a manageable size. I have to pick up more supplies for the project on my way home tonight, as well as try to find under $3 gas around here. I finished Looking for Alaska last night instead of watching TV. I completely forgot how wrapped up I get when I have a stack of books. I don't think C has been fed in days and thankfully, he's in charge of the dog food (I fill their water bowls). I should probably clean the bathroom too - it's getting that wet smell.

Now, what are these plans for Mother's Day that I'm supposed to have? Do I have to cook on Sunday? I already have a card and a small gift - do I really have to cook? Besides, where do I fall in the motherhood spectrum? Don't answer that, it's not as if I even think of myself as a mom - I'm just someone who wanted to be and almost was. That's all. I'm going to go write a letter. It's going to rock.

What's Been Going On

I just finished what was supposed to be a short email to AM. Instead it was huge and it only detailed what happened after I talked to her at 2pm yesterday. It didn't seem like that much happened, but let's review:

>I needed to renew my driver's license before my birthday (month and a half away) and I needed and ID with my current address on it in order to get a library card. So, I went and waited an hour in line to get a new license (got 100% on my renewal test too!) and got my picture taken. It was a good day for this because I looked nice from the interview/luncheon thing earlier. Picture doesn't look like me, but it's really close to my sister, B, with long hair. Seriously, she could use it as a fake. If she weren't almost 22.

>This all led me to the library later in the evening, which is the size of our children's wing back home. Very nice and new with lots of windows though. I figure that I will go back until I read all of the books. Walked out with my arms overflowing. I love books.

>Earlier I went to the lunch, sat in a circle, and chatted with all of the staff I would be working with if they offer and I accept the job. Very nice, friendly, funny people. I think it would be a great environment in which to grow and make friends. They told me not to drink the water due to the number of pregnancies. Watch me drink the water. I would be surprised if they don't make me an offer, but I'm still concerned about whether or not they can afford me. I actually told the lady that interviewed me to make me an offer that I couldn't refuse. I know, I know.

>C and I had a TALK. He talked. There is this job thing. It is an exciting opportunity not without risk. He is VERY excited. I'm getting excited. It is scary and exciting all at once. More information to come when everything is a bit more concrete.

That might cover it all, as much as a synopsis can. We're finally headed home this weekend to help out R&AM, so I get to see FAMILY and FRIENDS. Yippee. Since it's Wednesday, that means it's almost Friday, right?

Fishing and Going Home

We had a nice weekend. We spent a lot of time with C's boss and a bit of time with N&A. We were out on the boat fishing on Saturday from about 3 to 10:45. The boys caught enough to fry fish up for dinner on Sunday and it was tasty. I started an awesome project on Sunday after accumulating the supplies for half of what I thought they were going to cost. Trying to focus on the project and not other realities that would make me sad.

I am gearing up for my third interview/luncheon with the staff tomorrow. I need to be excited and right now I'm not: it's just another thing on the list of things that need to get done and done well. I'm also trying to focus on this weekend when I get the opportunity to spend time with people I dearly love (family and friends). Maybe I've been so drained because I haven't seen anyone in weeks. It will be nice to go home.

Come, Weepy Sufferers

I'm suffering delusions of unhappiness. I have no reason to be unhappy, therefore, any thoughts of such are merely delusions. I just wish that I wasn't this miserable or that I cry all of the time. I should probably drink more water. And exercise.

There is no Crying at Interviews

Life, life is a wonderful thing. I'm grateful that I can breathe without pain and that I can walk without assistance. I have a wonderful family that loves me and I found my husband early, which has made all the difference. We have a very nice life with our two dogs (even the perpetual pee-er). I have a newer SUV and we own our house, or we bought it with the mortgage company's money anyway.

No complaints, however, I am certifiably nuts. I went to my interview this morning. I cried at my interview this morning. So now I have one interview I cried at and one first day of work that I fainted three times at. Did you all catch that? I CRIED at my interview. She asked me a simple question about giving an example of a time I went above and beyond. The only example that came to mind was when an obstetric patient came into the clinic hysterical and holding her miscarried baby in her lap while still profusely bleeding. We got her a wheelchair and back to a room very quickly. I'm not even sure I did that - it was probably V. And I tell this nice human resources lady about this and START CRYING. What is wrong with me? You don't CRY in an interview! Then I can't stop. Instead of collecting myself and thinking ahead to the next question, I keep thinking that I now know how that lady felt. I'm really glad we were so calm and nice around her. I remember how quiet we were after all of that happened and how we asked if she was going to be okay. But I know how it feels to be that upset about losing a baby. I know. Just a little ticked off that this all needed to come out in an interview. Two hours later and I'm still teary.

The first lady called me before I even got back to work and I'm going to lunch at the facility next Tuesday to meet all of the staff and see if we "click." I'm not sure if they're going to pay me enough and my health insurance wouldn't start for 30 days, but C is looking into a month of health insurance through his company. We're content to just wait and see what comes of this. I just need to stop crying at interviews.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (E, do you remember when Mr. M at FH used to say that ALL the time?), today is C's 27th birthday. He made his mom have her only c-section! I didn't bake him the muffins he wanted, but I did make him a fried egg sandwich before he left for work. N&A are coming over for dinner tonight and I hope that I can pick up the house, bake a German chocolate cake, and make a pasta salad before they get there. I sent C's mom a text that thanked her for having him 27 years ago - she'll get a kick out of that.

Calm . . . Breathe in Breathe out Breathe in. It will all be okay.

Still Breathing

It's sometimes the naive ones that get on my nerves. Ironic, because I used to be one of them, unfair because I sought out information with a desire to learn. I thought that when you wanted a baby, you merely did away with all types of contraception and POOF!, you are suddenly pregnant. I was wrong. I've been reading too many blogs of infertiles who finally had children and I always search back to the post when they found out/are telling everyone that they're pregnant. I think that I'm masochistic in the worse way - taunting myself like that. I always have to remind myself that I am young (not 30 or even close) and we know I have the ability to get pregnant, so now is the hard part: just waiting. There's a real lack of control in waiting this way and I would have never thrown myself into a category with control freaks, but here I am stressing out about things I cannot control.

Boris decided to pee on our other bed last night. Completely maliciously from my perspective - he'd been outside to play about three times within that hour. And not just a little bit - a huge circular mess that was all over sheets and comforters and blankets. We tried to clean it with Resolve (note: need to buy stock in Resolve) and this morning I realized that we have a little green machine and I'm going to try that on the stain. A stain doesn't bother me - it's the smell and the possibility that the wetness will grow mold or mildew in the mattress. All of that sounds healthy, I'm sure. C doesn't think he has an infection, so I think that he needs stricter training and more reinforcement. I will not be stuck with a dog who won't obey for the remainder of his life.

In other news, I have a second interview with human resources tomorrow morning. I'm not as excited for this one because I'm afraid of being disappointed by their salary offer and benefits. I'm trying to prepare myself for all of that. I did send an email out [yesterday] to the lady I interviewed with last week because I hadn't heard anything. She wrote me back within two minutes and said that HR was supposed to contact me for an interview and she'd check into it. They called me yesterday afternoon. It's nice to be wanted and liked. I hope this works out and that there is a plan for whatever happens.

I'm just really stressed out by a whole bunch of things that I can't control and I need to find a way to let them go. C is so good at doing that, but I am the champion grudge holder, which I am no longer proud of. I'm more ashamed and I need to figure out how to fix myself. A new job and a pregnancy aren't going to fix it, so I really need to work on it. Breathe in, breathe out, let it all go. Something like that. Counting doesn't work. Neither does throwing things and yelling. Breathe in, breathe out.