Went to a talk put on by the area birthnetwork featuring Ina May, the coolest midwife ever. My interest in women, their health and reproductive freedoms, and labor and birth choices won out over my jealousy over the experiences they may have that I may not. It was a stream-of-conscious talk on her part, but I didn't mind because the information was so rich. Women, when not given the options to fear or fail at a task, don't. Her take-away message was one I need to learn at the heart level: your body was made to accomplish certain things and more times than not, it will if you let it. There are exceptions and they were even discussed in the context of this talk (specifically, unnecessary c-sections vs necessary c-sections). It's just not something I'm comfortable doing yet - trusting my body. Every issue we find in my body that deviates from "normal" causes me to doubt. In a far reaching place, aside from my doubts that an unassisted conception and pregnancy are in my future, I wonder if I should trust that labor is something my body can succeed at. This lack of trust in my given vessel is an issue that I've been told I might need to "talk to someone" about. So I am talking to you.
I surprised to find infertility mentioned on not one, but TWO prime time TV shows last night. Since I wasn't paying close attention, I can only give a random recap. Rules of Engagement segwayed into the shots of estrogen and some of the lovely side effects - hot flashes and sore breasts specifically. I liked that the character comiserated with a pregnant woman pregnant after in vitro (the woman and her partner! were expecting - how cool). Oh, and the main character's husband stabbed himself with a syringe of estrogen - good for a laugh. The second program was Guliana and Bill's wild adventure. Or their quest to bring a baby into their busy lives. I have to assume that the issues on the procreating front have to be real, if somewhat dramatized, because who would go through the hell of infertility for rating's sake?
I realize that not much of this is about me exactly, but I'm not real introspective from the cold garage watching the husband work on the yellow Jeep that I wish was done aleady. The fact that I'm sitting out here blogging from my phone constitutes quality time for him. Not me. Him.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
This is Going to Be Cruel
For you.
First, a story. Last week at the MS Walk with the former coworker stroller brigade, I was able to spend some time with S, former coworker, current PT, friend, and fellow women's health advocate. Her daughter is about 18 months old and has the same nickname as little E, our dear friends' son. I was crouched down chatting with little E #2 and she reached up and pointed/grabbed at me. I couldn't figure out what she was going for, but S told me she was reaching for my earrings. Which is funny, because as you know, I have gauged out ears. No way was I wearing huge dangling earrings to a MS Walk. So, she was reaching for these super thin bright purple/fuchsia silicone tunnels I was wearing. They make my ear holes look like they have a kool-aid smile. So cute. That's what I have.
Back to the cruelty. Most of the people I speak in depth with about my infertility and the psychology, fears, and attitude I have regarding such, don't get it. There are varying levels of don't-get-it-ness, but most really don't get it. During a period of time years ago, I blamed them. I don't blame them anymore and haven't for quite some time. I am, however, always surprised about the aspect of my infertility that really depresses them. This aspect is that I have relinquished hope. I claim to not have any. Which is mostly true.
In complete honesty, I still have a rotating 2-8% of hope residing in my coked out heart (I don't judge what she does to keep pumping blood because I am just grateful she does). So that is basically no hope. I do not have the ability to put on the happy face, the joyful attitude, or the glass half full analogy. I am, as my dad is, a realist. Not a pessimist as I always accused him; a realist. One who know the odds, the statistics, and the barriers.
This "hopelessness" is the only thing that can get these sally sunshines' faces to fall. I don't bring it up to be mean, just to introduce the realism. They act shocked and want an explanation. I have two sort-of answers that usually are okay with them. The first is that I have dealt with so many (read: so many) disappointments in this arena that I cannot and will not open my heart to more. Each month is a disappointment. Each unsuccessful "try" further breaks my heart. Whereas, if I relinquish the majority of my hope, these instances really don't hurt as much. I mean, I wasn't going to get pregnant this cycle anyway, so how can I be disappointed? The second caveat I make to close or dear friends is the basket that AM taught me about. I am of the impression that it is a southern thing. What it means is that I do not carry hope around in my basket. I carry other things in my basket, things that will fall and possibly break, if I were to drop my basket. But I do not carry hope. The more literal translation of this, for me, is that I do not pray for a baby. God and I are getting along much better these days, but I have never prayed for a baby. I pray for patience; I pray for compassion, understanding, wisdom. God is wise and he knows how this ends. He will give and lead and bless accordingly. Which is an oversimplification of a very deep complicated theological matter. My offer to these friends is simple: if you would like to carry hope for me, in your basket, you may. If that is a responsibility that you would like to take on, please do - I have no issue with that. You pray for my future children to find their way to me. The drawback to this is that you are much more likely to feel the pain and disappointment that I was referring to above. Because you have placed hope for me in your basket. Be forewarned.
Which leads me to today's cruelty for you.
I was expecting something late last week, yesterday, today at the latest. I find that when I am not in a medicated cycle that the healthiest thing to do is to completely ignore my reproductive cycle. I try to still note my periods because they always ask you at the doctor office and I need to know if my cycles are more off, but I've even had to go back and research a few of those. With the new iPhone (yea!) I definitely wanted an app that would track my cycles and be able to retain some additional information when we returned to treatments.
Last night, I was inputting data and looked up my LMP in my planner. That was strange, it wasn't the week I thought it was. It was a week earlier. Crap. That means that I am late. Crap.
For most women, this would indicate a very real possibility of pregnancy. For me, it means that teaching was stressful enough to impact my cycle. Here's where the two faced monster arrives.
Monster Face One: you're late late late - not a little late, a LOT late - you have to be pregnant!
Monster Face Two: whatever, you can't get pregnant - anyway, remember that completely distressing 49 day cycle you had before you were ever pregnant or diagnosed with infertility? MFOne: you are almost two weeks late and you have been so tired! MFTwo: two weeks or barely ten days? And hello, you are taking a muscle relaxer every night that completely zonks you AND you have not been keeping up with your vitamin D supplements as well as you should, which is an additional reason for fatigue. MFOne: you've been smelling all sorts of things lately and your boobs are sore - you are pregnant! MFTwo: um, you finally got over that cold and probably forgot what things smell like (and you were totally-mostly okay with the cigarette smoke last night) and your boobs are always sore before your period. MFOne: fine, they are still sore and huge! MFTwo: they are ALWAYS like that before your period AND didn't you take four ovulation predictor kits this morning that were all negative (OPKs can detect pregnancy, so I hear)? MFOne: no! Two were way expired and didn't work, the third just didn't work, and the one that did work - you did not do it right and you know that! MFTwo: whatever. You only took them to see if you should expect blood. You're not pregnant. How stupid are you going to feel buying pregnancy tests? MFOne: not stupid when they turn positive and this nightmare is OVER! Just go buy them and test! MFTwo: why? So you can feel like shit when they are lily white like all the others? You are making this a big deal in your head for no reason: you are not pregnant! MFOne: you don't know that for sure! Are you in such denial that you won't go buy pregnancy tests and take one if it could mean saving your pregnancy? MFTwo: wait, what the hell are you talking about? MFOne: you just mentioned that you might have a progesterone problem - so what if you do and you lose the pregnancy because you wouldn't find out if you were pregnant (when you could have) and then started progesterone supplements and saved the pregnancy? MFTwo: you are off your rocker. How about "what is meant to be will be?" MFOne: fine, then shut your big stupid mouth about being proactive about anything. You are so afraid of a negative that you won't even help yourself. MFTwo: here's what I know: you are not pregnant, you have no symptoms, you were so stressed out by teaching that your cycle is completely out of whack. End of story. Face it and wait for the bleeding to commence. MFOne: you are such a cynic and can't face something even when it is staring you in the face! You are almost TWO WEEKS late with no sign of a period in sight. You have symptoms that could really not be symptoms at all, or they could. And if, debbie downer, you are pregnant, by finding out you could call the RE tomorrow morning first thing and get both a quantitative HCG and progesterone test run ASAP and get supplements if necessary. MFTwo: Monster Face One is the most depressing being I've had to listen to today. Please shut her up, or I will.
See what I have to deal with? And you know that I side with MFTwo, right? But if all of you siding with MFOne want to be depressed, go right on ahead. I won't stop you. You are carrying around hope in YOUR basket. I have not and will not let her back into mine because I know what the disappointment is like. If you want to try your hand at some empathy, have at it.
**Update: while Monster Face One's illogical reasoning won out and I did, in fact, drive to the store and purchase four $1 pregnancy tests, Monster Face Two remains the winner of my loyalty and heartfelt admiration. Monster Face Two tells it like it is: lily white EVERY SINGLE TIME. Except for that one time. But that has been rehashed many times before on this blog. And anyway, it was before the Monster Faces showed up in all of their glory and realistic animation.**
First, a story. Last week at the MS Walk with the former coworker stroller brigade, I was able to spend some time with S, former coworker, current PT, friend, and fellow women's health advocate. Her daughter is about 18 months old and has the same nickname as little E, our dear friends' son. I was crouched down chatting with little E #2 and she reached up and pointed/grabbed at me. I couldn't figure out what she was going for, but S told me she was reaching for my earrings. Which is funny, because as you know, I have gauged out ears. No way was I wearing huge dangling earrings to a MS Walk. So, she was reaching for these super thin bright purple/fuchsia silicone tunnels I was wearing. They make my ear holes look like they have a kool-aid smile. So cute. That's what I have.
Back to the cruelty. Most of the people I speak in depth with about my infertility and the psychology, fears, and attitude I have regarding such, don't get it. There are varying levels of don't-get-it-ness, but most really don't get it. During a period of time years ago, I blamed them. I don't blame them anymore and haven't for quite some time. I am, however, always surprised about the aspect of my infertility that really depresses them. This aspect is that I have relinquished hope. I claim to not have any. Which is mostly true.
In complete honesty, I still have a rotating 2-8% of hope residing in my coked out heart (I don't judge what she does to keep pumping blood because I am just grateful she does). So that is basically no hope. I do not have the ability to put on the happy face, the joyful attitude, or the glass half full analogy. I am, as my dad is, a realist. Not a pessimist as I always accused him; a realist. One who know the odds, the statistics, and the barriers.
This "hopelessness" is the only thing that can get these sally sunshines' faces to fall. I don't bring it up to be mean, just to introduce the realism. They act shocked and want an explanation. I have two sort-of answers that usually are okay with them. The first is that I have dealt with so many (read: so many) disappointments in this arena that I cannot and will not open my heart to more. Each month is a disappointment. Each unsuccessful "try" further breaks my heart. Whereas, if I relinquish the majority of my hope, these instances really don't hurt as much. I mean, I wasn't going to get pregnant this cycle anyway, so how can I be disappointed? The second caveat I make to close or dear friends is the basket that AM taught me about. I am of the impression that it is a southern thing. What it means is that I do not carry hope around in my basket. I carry other things in my basket, things that will fall and possibly break, if I were to drop my basket. But I do not carry hope. The more literal translation of this, for me, is that I do not pray for a baby. God and I are getting along much better these days, but I have never prayed for a baby. I pray for patience; I pray for compassion, understanding, wisdom. God is wise and he knows how this ends. He will give and lead and bless accordingly. Which is an oversimplification of a very deep complicated theological matter. My offer to these friends is simple: if you would like to carry hope for me, in your basket, you may. If that is a responsibility that you would like to take on, please do - I have no issue with that. You pray for my future children to find their way to me. The drawback to this is that you are much more likely to feel the pain and disappointment that I was referring to above. Because you have placed hope for me in your basket. Be forewarned.
Which leads me to today's cruelty for you.
I was expecting something late last week, yesterday, today at the latest. I find that when I am not in a medicated cycle that the healthiest thing to do is to completely ignore my reproductive cycle. I try to still note my periods because they always ask you at the doctor office and I need to know if my cycles are more off, but I've even had to go back and research a few of those. With the new iPhone (yea!) I definitely wanted an app that would track my cycles and be able to retain some additional information when we returned to treatments.
Last night, I was inputting data and looked up my LMP in my planner. That was strange, it wasn't the week I thought it was. It was a week earlier. Crap. That means that I am late. Crap.
For most women, this would indicate a very real possibility of pregnancy. For me, it means that teaching was stressful enough to impact my cycle. Here's where the two faced monster arrives.
Monster Face One: you're late late late - not a little late, a LOT late - you have to be pregnant!
Monster Face Two: whatever, you can't get pregnant - anyway, remember that completely distressing 49 day cycle you had before you were ever pregnant or diagnosed with infertility? MFOne: you are almost two weeks late and you have been so tired! MFTwo: two weeks or barely ten days? And hello, you are taking a muscle relaxer every night that completely zonks you AND you have not been keeping up with your vitamin D supplements as well as you should, which is an additional reason for fatigue. MFOne: you've been smelling all sorts of things lately and your boobs are sore - you are pregnant! MFTwo: um, you finally got over that cold and probably forgot what things smell like (and you were totally-mostly okay with the cigarette smoke last night) and your boobs are always sore before your period. MFOne: fine, they are still sore and huge! MFTwo: they are ALWAYS like that before your period AND didn't you take four ovulation predictor kits this morning that were all negative (OPKs can detect pregnancy, so I hear)? MFOne: no! Two were way expired and didn't work, the third just didn't work, and the one that did work - you did not do it right and you know that! MFTwo: whatever. You only took them to see if you should expect blood. You're not pregnant. How stupid are you going to feel buying pregnancy tests? MFOne: not stupid when they turn positive and this nightmare is OVER! Just go buy them and test! MFTwo: why? So you can feel like shit when they are lily white like all the others? You are making this a big deal in your head for no reason: you are not pregnant! MFOne: you don't know that for sure! Are you in such denial that you won't go buy pregnancy tests and take one if it could mean saving your pregnancy? MFTwo: wait, what the hell are you talking about? MFOne: you just mentioned that you might have a progesterone problem - so what if you do and you lose the pregnancy because you wouldn't find out if you were pregnant (when you could have) and then started progesterone supplements and saved the pregnancy? MFTwo: you are off your rocker. How about "what is meant to be will be?" MFOne: fine, then shut your big stupid mouth about being proactive about anything. You are so afraid of a negative that you won't even help yourself. MFTwo: here's what I know: you are not pregnant, you have no symptoms, you were so stressed out by teaching that your cycle is completely out of whack. End of story. Face it and wait for the bleeding to commence. MFOne: you are such a cynic and can't face something even when it is staring you in the face! You are almost TWO WEEKS late with no sign of a period in sight. You have symptoms that could really not be symptoms at all, or they could. And if, debbie downer, you are pregnant, by finding out you could call the RE tomorrow morning first thing and get both a quantitative HCG and progesterone test run ASAP and get supplements if necessary. MFTwo: Monster Face One is the most depressing being I've had to listen to today. Please shut her up, or I will.
See what I have to deal with? And you know that I side with MFTwo, right? But if all of you siding with MFOne want to be depressed, go right on ahead. I won't stop you. You are carrying around hope in YOUR basket. I have not and will not let her back into mine because I know what the disappointment is like. If you want to try your hand at some empathy, have at it.
**Update: while Monster Face One's illogical reasoning won out and I did, in fact, drive to the store and purchase four $1 pregnancy tests, Monster Face Two remains the winner of my loyalty and heartfelt admiration. Monster Face Two tells it like it is: lily white EVERY SINGLE TIME. Except for that one time. But that has been rehashed many times before on this blog. And anyway, it was before the Monster Faces showed up in all of their glory and realistic animation.**
Saturday, April 17, 2010
You Have Asked
But I do not have an answer. Not a real one anyway. Not one that doesn't ramble from one option to another without settling on a single viable reasonable explanation of what we want to do. Why has it been like this for the last few months?
- We (I) have been focusing on the PFTM issues with the doctor visits and physical therapy and diet alterations and figuring out the why. It's been rather complicated, even with all of the help and knowledge. I think the treatment aspect is winding down. Part of it is incredibly depressing - the fact that I flat out cannot handle the stress of normal life without internalizing it in such a way that causes physical pain. Yeah, even writing that causes me to tense up in a lot of unhelpful places. I am working on that. No medical personnel will presume that these issues have a direct relationship with my infertility issues, but they do agree that the stress is not helping. Great. Does this mean I cannot punch everyone that tells me to "Just Relax" and I will get pregnant? Possibly.
- I have begun teaching at the (crappy) college level. And it has taken every spare moment I have thought was my own for the last six weeks. I have found that it is loads easier to grade fantastic (or even okay) papers then painfully ignorant papers. My students, while adult, are manipulative, cannot follow simple instructions, and write worse than some eleven-year-olds I know. I wish I was kidding. This was my trial-run class to see if they want to really hire me as faculty. If so, I have foolishly signed up for two back-to-back courses in September. Oh, and the money is totally not worth it. Whatever you think I might be making, quarter it and then take taxes out. But, I think I am doing it for altruistic and experiential reasons. I think.
- We have a new dog as of one month ago. She is fantastic and fits in with our family perfectly. But three dogs is quite a step up from two and therefore, require more of my attention. Our "Big Girl" is also getting, well, a little too big, so we're controlling the food and exercise closely.
- Spring/summer/fall are our busy times. Warm weather throws activities and celebrations into hyperdrive. C's work picks up. So much more playing, traveling, and enjoying life can happen.
Do these sound like excuses? Or part of my master plan to keep myself so busy that I do not realize that I can't get pregnant? I've got a few more. Still don't know what to think about the January IUI cycle that went up in flames (as in, it burned up our money and definitely left hopes and dreams singed and smelling of smoke). And I have had three months to roll that around in my mind. So, I need to make an appointment with the RE so that he can explain, or not. While I am anticipating that he will say we need to move to the surity that injectable medication provides, I am scared of this. Not the needles - I can overcome those. I'm afraid of the cost, the random time taken off of work with no real explanation, and again, that it will not be successful. I think those are valid concerns. Even if the RE doesn't want to leap into the needle universe, do you really think that C and I want to waste more money with oral medication? Oh, I almost forgot my favorite part - due to the specatacularly low progesterone level of the last cycle, I definitely get to take progesterone for all future cycles. That comes in an injectable or suppository form. Have I mentioned how SICK I am of people and things in my vagina? If you think I am kidding or being dramatic, call me and I can spend twenty minutes listing who has seen and what has been in my vagina over the past five years. *I am obviously hoping that a male wouldn't want to come within ten websites of this blog, so has not ended up here*
Anyway, there are days where I am just so out of my mind desperate to make my dream of children come true that I am willing to do anything. I think about heavily researching adoption and signing up for a homestudy. I think about calling up our family members with money and borrow or beg funding for a few round of IVF. I think that NOW is when SOMETHING has GOT to happen, or it never will. Then, I wait awhile, calm down, and talk myself out of any craziness. Of course, there are opposite days where I do not need children. I am way too busy, so leave the baby-making/raising to all of those other families. Which is just such a fatalistic respose for me: all or nothing. I thought I grew out of that type of reasoning years ago, but no.
So, yeah. No real decisions. Just so you know.
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