What Happens When You are Nice / Research / Take Pills

Another week another round of revelations. Mostly good, or at least informative, and me being the type that thinks information is almost always good, I am sated for the time being. Actually, another round of the magic pills too, and I am under the impression that my body is becoming so used to them that instead of what I would consider "normal" or "regular" hot flashes, my temperature just goes sky high as soon as they are in my system. I could feel the redness in my face yesterday. Anyway, I'm sure that they will do what they are supposed to, and we will do what we are supposed to, and most likely, it won't work.

Beyond that, I had a chance on Monday to meet up with a new little life, his mom, and for a few minutes, his dad. His dad and I go way back; like 4 years old or something, and have somehow retained an ever changing relationship. What I love most about him is that he was always there for me when I needed a loving voice of reason (me? need reason?). What I have been missing is that I don't know the girl he married. So Monday was important to say the least. I met little T and got to spend a chunk of time just talking to K. Which was wonderful. I knew that we had to have something in common because, well we're both girls that T chose to have in his life, K as a wonderful wife, and me as a friend. K shares this crazy persuasion I have that women need to be educated, really just in general, but moreso about their bodies (especially their reproductive options and rights). On top of all that, I love hanging out with people that are honest, truthful, and very real and upfront about things, and K definitely has all of that going for her. I can't even explain how much I appreciated her honesty and sensitivity. Pretty sure that I made a friend, and an awesome one at that. I'm so thankful that we got this chance and that I get to stop by next week to see K and little T again!

In other news, I've been working on a project about infertility. Have to use peer reviewed academic journal articles. The one that fit into the guidelines of the project best was one that stated those with infertility do not demonstrate a psychological state or strain any different from the average population. In fact, those experiencing infertility that DO exhibit depression or any other heightened psychological state are people who probably had anxieties and neuroses before their stint with infertility. I completely read the study multiple times and the process they used to cull information seemed pretty good to me, as thorough as you can achieve without providing a result-skewing incentive. So were all of these people lying, or is infertility no more devastating than a bankruptcy? I guess they are not saying that we not in pain or distress, but by arriving at the conclusion that infertility is apparently equally devastating to any other life occurrence, is kind of belittling to me. Maybe I had previous anxieties and was incredibly neurotic, infertility and loss has just given me something to focus all of this into. I realize that the other direction results in someone assigning severity to different experiences, which just don't work. And the majority of the participants in the study either had a definitive diagnosis or achieved pregnancy. Answers help, I know they do, but I don't know that they would erase the pain and grief. More on this later.

Babies: Imaginary and Real, Created and Gone

Then there is this. Just for a boy baby.

And, perhaps, in this parallel universe I dream of, my baby B would be about to turn one soon. Maybe. I don't have a window to that place, but I would love to think so.

Everything Disappoints but Demo Derby

I see that intense emotion is scary for commenters. It's okay, I never know what to say at the serious breaks in conversation either. It's why I write it out, anger, rage, grief, less happiness, but search and you'll find it. Most of what I wrote about is smoothed over. It all just catches me off guard so very quickly. Should I be on the lookout for these things?

So today, my university gave me the run around. I needed two numbers from them, an online library login and a corresponding pin. So I can, you know, login to their library to access their databases, find a journal article and review it. A journal article on infertility. Yippee. I chose it though, looking for random answers or diagnosis in scientific medical journals, because surely, they know how my heart aches. Anyway, I've been asking for this info since Wednesday and the review is due Sunday. Today resulted in a panicked message for someone at the uni. Which got me my "temporary" numbers. Haven't even checked to see if they work yet.

AND, that dumb, stupid watch? It was supposed to be here today at the latest. So I called. They didn't like my credit card. Which, unfortunately, happens a lot. Something with me and numbers. Did they call me Monday while they were processing my order for a time sensitive product? No, I had to call them today and they told me that *someone* usually called if the credit card was declined. I've got some choice words for them. Screw OVWatch's customer service. Another month lost. I didn't realize I was so hopeful about it until they crushed that hope. Every other company I've dealt with has sent a nice email, or picked up the phone and called, to let me know that something was wrong with the card. Great idea for a company that needs their product in a consumer's hand by a specific date.

But I have magic pills and Twilight and Extras. Which doesn't make up for the fact that I am not where I am supposed to be right now. I should be at a demolition derby in the middle of Kansas watching my husband's best friend and my best friend's husband (same man, the wonderful R) compete. And when I say compete, I mean the boy is so determined and the ONLY one to make it to the finale - EVER. I had no idea that my heart would crave the smash-bang-up-ness of demo derby so badly right now. I should have switched work shifts and driven there. I should have driven there anyway and been a little late. I should drive there now. I don't think I thought this through at all. I owe AM to be in the stands with her and I definitely owe R the support, along with my own husband. So, guys, I am sorry. I just didn't realize and now, I think I get it and won't miss something like this ever again. Unless I am in labor, which I hope to god happens someday. I'm sorry. I'll be there next year. Please call me and tell me how it's going.

It is Kind of Like a Slap in the Face Sometimes

A safe preface might be that I am too selfish to care about anybody else right now. I can't believe that the same husband that cancelled the float trip because he and everyone else couldn't take a half day off work COULD take a half day off work to go to a stupid concert. A concert on a Tuesday that was supposed to start at two, then five, now eight. Anyone see why I am irritated? I haven't seen him since maybe Saturday and won't see him until maybe tomorrow night and then not until perhaps Saturday because he is being insensitive. He won't DO anything on the weekends or weeknights because he's too tired, but he can go to a concert with his friends? He can't make time to take me out for a birthday dinner (yeah, it's been three weeks since), but he can definitely go to a seven hour concert of a band I have barely heard of? He can't spend anytime with ME doing something fun or meaningful, but he can take off this Friday to drive 300 miles to help a friend with demo derby? Yeah, I know why he's doing the last one and I encouraged it, because I am an understanding wife who fosters her husband's relationships. It's not that I'm actually upset about any of these events, it is more that I am jealous that he chooses to use his time and energy on anything but me. I want him to want to spend time with me, but I can't force him to want to spend time with me. Guess who is going to be too tired to hear me yell at him tonight? Yeah, that husband.

Perhaps that is coupled with an incredibly ambiguous day. I'm waiting for something, you know, to further this crappy baby making process. But, it can't get here yet because the dumb watch won't be here until tomorrow at the earliest and Friday and the latest and it needs to be used at least by cycle day two or three (I think it's really one or two - I need to check). Further more, I am the dumbest infertile girl on the planet because, yes, I still hold out a secret, very small hope that I will just turn up pregnant. If not, I do want the next available opportunity to try out the new, couple hundred dollar gadget I just bought. Makes perfect sense.

Remember me mentioning that I was so glad that I no longer worked in obgyn anymore, but that I still see pregnant women on a daily basis? Yeah, that usually goes fine. When I'm in a good mood I am super supportive and chatty about pregnancy, good at asking questions, and generally a person you would love to share your life story with. When I am in a bad mood, I am dismissive and distant. We had a patient today that came in pregnant with her husband (boyfriend? FOB?) and children. She was 21. That's fine. I could have responsibly had a baby at 21 and been a great mom. What happened was that I couldn't look up for the longest time to see how many children were sitting across the room in the lobby. I only knew there were multiple. When she was finally called back, I counted: four plus one on the way equals five children before she turns 22. My stomach turned and I didn't look back up and tried to not think about the abundant fertility right there in front of me. Wow. And I'm the one that karma has decided to bless with no children? (P.S. Of course the fifth baby was another Medicaid baby, so I'm also excited that my tax dollars pay for her children and zero tax dollars are helping me create my children.)

Second thing was that I had the chance to talk to one of our patients briefly about the wildest subject. She is a really sweet girl and always says something nice when she comes in. This time what fell out of her mouth was that she'd just seen something on donating eggs and she was toying with the idea of it. She's young, just out of college, tall, athletic, and she mentioned that she was healthy. I told her the tiny bit of information I know about it and of course said that she should research it if it was really something she was interested in. I had to add that it was an unequaled act of kindness because of all the people who really wanted to have children and were in some way unable. She then asked me (in her string of randomness) if I would ever consider being a surrogate for someone. I stuttered over that because A. I still had a coworker next to me that I haven't and don't want to fully come out to as infertile, and B. I have thought about it but the answer is complex. I kinda just said that we are having a little trouble having babies of our own, so it probably wasn't an option for me. I got the pitying look from a 22yo. Yeah. But she did said that she was sorry and that she hoped it would all work out for us soon. I mentioned an RE that works for the hospital, but I have no idea if he collects donor eggs and I told her that as far as we know, the eggs aren't really our problem (so she doesn't think I plan on kidnapping her and harvesting her tall tall eggs [I would love to get a little more height in the family]). It was a weird conversation and I think what I'll take away from it is the hope that the subject of family building is somehow reaching a younger and somewhat empathetic generation (I realize it is essentially MY generation, but still, me and her are light years apart).

My answer to her question (in case you had a burning desire to know [PS. Get the burning part checked out because untreated UTIs can wreak havoc in your body]) is complicated. I don't think I should even weigh in until I know how my body deals with pregnancy, because I've seen women whose bodies hate being pregnant and that is all there is to say about that. Also, I think I am automatically rejected as a viable candidate due to one miscarriage and infertility, but I guess that could be ignored if I have three beautiful pregnancies in a row and they somehow reset my faulty system. I'm not sure I could handle either not getting pregnant with someone else's child or miscarrying someone else's child (or all of the other psychological implications - not sure that I am or ever will be strong enough). That all said, as far as surrogacy is a heart matter, a loaning of your body to give a baby to someone else, I think that I am okay with that part of it. It's the physical and psychological aspects that hold me back. I know there is one out there that has lovingly volunteered for us, but it would take so much more thought (probably prayer) for that ever to be a possibility. And I hope to God that it does not come to that.

As if all of that isn't enough, pregnant coworker had her baby Saturday (there are pictures) and neighbor girl had hers Sunday morning. Both had girls with lovely names. I had the chance to hold neighbor girl's baby on Monday, over my lunch hour, just as they were arriving home. Yeah, I'm fine with it. Really, it is just someone else's baby. I completely understand that. I'm jealous of the experience, not either of theirs, but the one that I didn't get to have. And the lingering question of why I had to lose a baby while unfit mothers birth five, no problem.

Surely tomorrow will be easier, right?

Two months off is more difficult when you can't avoid that which you crave. The awesome pregnant girl at work due any day, the next door neighbor who is being induced today and you are watching her dog, the friend that is beautiful and ever sensitive about her pregnancy and thankfully keeps you around, another close soul who has a reproductive decision to make - these both haunt and gratify me. Honestly, the first two, I could do without, but the last two, I would support to the ends of the earth. Repeated probably too often, for fear that they think my thoughts turn towards jealousy and spitefulness (which at a time in this process, I'm sure they did), I want MY baby and my pregnancy, a little C&A. Big steps or little steps, I have to believe that all are steps forward.

Because I love to listen to you rationalize your choices. To not have a baby right now is just as big of a decision as to have a baby right now. I also plan on attending a baby shower. I think it is the first one since a dear friend's two years ago, during which I told her I was pregnant. Her beautiful baby boy was born almost two years ago and I held him days after he was born and days after I miscarried. I called a childhood friend's wife and hope to go see their new son soon. I'm not sure how the baby holding thing is going to go. A couple months older and I'm fine, but the newly born, days, weeks old babies kind of tug at a place in my chest.

I think that we're ready to encounter the next month (cycle) with what it will bring. Probably more magic pills and a dumb watch. Yeah, I'm going to give in an buy an OV Watch. I feel incredibly gullible and like I'm being taken for a ride, but nonetheless, a purchase is being made. Here's the deal (more or less courtesy of AM), either it works or not, and if it does - Great! and if it doesn't, hell, it's a lot less money than an IUI or the next round of testing. Maybe I should call it the counting watch or the magic watch as a way to instill more confidence in it.

I hate to borrow, but I am in love with my own words (am also my best plagiarizer) and this is what I would love to do this weekend:

Ode to AM

I sit here and it is one of those days where I don’t want much more than the back patio at Rock-A-Belly’s for a couple of hours. It’s shaded and has fans and a little heat in the day isn’t always a bad thing. You can have a few summer beers and I’ll have maybe two Shirley Temples (mostly for the cherries). We’ll share a huge order of hummus, then maybe some cheese dip, or just a sandwich with sprouts (the sprouts have really grown on me). Could you ever guess that I went from thinking RAB was a creepy place never-to-go-into, to a place I consider comforting and relaxing? Anyway, we can talk, lounge, eat a little, drink a little, smile a lot – it will be a great time. Minimal clothing is a must – thinking light airy dresses (bright colors or white – no black or darkness) and sandals/ flip-flops. Bracelets are a must, whether bought or lovingly made by someone oh-so talented. Conversation rounds the bases of the past, future, present, clothes, colors, accents, love in all forms, babies, lack of babies, creating babies, sex, lots of sex, boys, husbands, children, ever so briefly – cars, plans, books, inventions, stories, fantasy, make believe, answers to the world’s problems, ideas, fascinations, encouragement, praise, slight revelry, unanswerable questions, and the practicality of food, water, shelter, and rest. Plus more, because I am sure there is more. Freedoms – we often talk about these, and choices involving or not involving feelings. Where sympathy and empathy lie. It all really just includes you and me somewhere else, with the only possible additions of people we feel worthy. We are a choosy, elite couple, you know.

Looking Towards the Uncertain Future

Don't know if you can tell, but that is a zero sized hole in my ear. And if you look carefully, you can see the edge of a pink flower in the yard THROUGH the hole. I feel bad that I sneered at a kid that said he wanted 4s. But he's seventeen and not all that responsible (so it seems, I could have misjudged). I don't think it was easy to get to this point. And since it is over . . .

I turned 25 a week ago as I was flying home from FL. Again, there was a smaller realization that this journey to a baby has been two years long. If I was a magically fertile person, I would have had a baby at 23 or 24 and we would be talking about baby #2. Unfortunately, that is not our reality. We, instead, have conversations (at my prompting) about how far (money-wise and medical procedure-wise) we are willing to go to build our family. This summer has been our break and we've taken full advantage of it, but. I was at Target a few days ago and thought about how easy it would be to call the doctor and get a script for the magic pills. That is just sick, but it comes on the heels of a super short, almost for sure annovulatory cycle. To have the knowledge that the chance of you becoming pregnant without help is unlikely is terrifying.

We had a conversation the other morning, okay I talked because I had stuff on my mind, about the future. What I tried to explain is that I cannot handle being in the same place in two years. This eerie limbo of infertility combined with the miscarrying fear is slowly eating me. I don't even know which scenario to be more afraid of: inability to get pregnant or losing that which is so precious to me. I can't be here, right here in this emotional, mental spot, in two years. I told C that we have time (what, am I going to become more infertile?) and if we needed to take a year or so to figure things out, that was fine. But there will be a plan. I cannot handle waking up on my 27th birthday, counting the four years and not see any hope in the future. So began the abbreviated conversation that included IUIs, IVF, and adoption. It is not anything C wants to discuss, perhaps he feels that me forcing the issue is giving up some sort of faith. I'm not giving up faith, I just realize that it is going to need some help and encouragement. If I truly did not have any hope left, none of this would sting and hurt as much as it does.

As it dawned on me exactly what C was planning to do for my birthday, in the same thought I felt so guilty, and even a little shameful. This wonderful man that I married loves me so much and wants to give me everything I desire. And I can't give him the one thing that we both want so very much. I get it - that it's not really my fault. You try and communicate that to my heart. I do everyday.

Wish me luck in my upcoming Human Sexuality class - there is a good chance that it will touch on infertility, etc. I am going to try my best to stick with this thought: Until you are in that very situation, you can't possibly know what you will decide is best for you and yours. That applies to ever so much.

Florida June 25 - 29

When I flew into FL, it began raining and then hailing. I thought that I left all of that here. Their rain blows and includes sand, which made me feel a little more sandblasted than wet. Loved seeing FL J. She makes me smile just thinking of her. We were very close our senior year of high school and freshman year of college. In some ways, she saved me and brought me back to the person I was after a terrible semester at a joke of a college. I think that I saved her a little too, so it became a very balanced relationship. She eventually became one of those friends that I would always love, but we came to a place where each of us did our own thing and drifted a bit. But when we get back together, as soon as the catch-up time is over, we are right back to our super functional, funny, fun relationship and I enjoy her company more than I can say. We had a chance to talk and talk and talk. Questions, stories, and anecdotes took over and we had the best time!

One of the enlightening discussions we entered centered around relationships - all types, was that with any two people, one has to be the mellow person, while the other gets to be the high intensity one. In FL J's relationship, she is mellow and he is high intensity, in mine, I am the high intensity one. So, in our relationship, FL J is the high intensity one (and she has been since freshman year at least, due to certain situations) and I am the low key, let-it-roll-off-your-back type personality. What we were specifically discussing was that it has to be this way if the relationship is going to function and go forward. We talked this about to death, but it was so interesting to us that we are the opposite together of what we are in each of our respective relationships.

What else did I learn? That I adore FL J and admire her in so many ways. That I desperately want the best for her and her life (always have) and that I value her as a friend and confidante. I learned that Bonefish is delicious and C and I are going to go to the one here in town for my birthday sometime next week. I love Thai food and seafood at the beach is fabulous even if all the patrons are NOT wearing shirts. Marines can be fun and Harleys are seriously cool. I love the beach and the sand and the waves. It is so much fun to see dolphins playing in the surf and to see the huge alligators at Gatorland Zoo.

FL J dropped me off halfway with Miss M, one of my best friends from grade school. She took me back to her home with the husband. I had only met Mr S once before - at their wedding. It seems that Miss M and I had the same idea when each of us planned a wedding; that we needed the other, constant friend right beside us as we said "I do." So, Miss M came up for my wedding and I returned the favor six months later. C loves her to death and she quite enjoys him, and I love Mr S's sense of humor and see that he's perfect for Miss M. So it was entirely fun that I got to spend some time with them.

I enjoyed seeing how another couple lives out their married life. C and I are so random and hodgepodge and unorganized that watching the ways that other couples make it work is intriguing and educational to me. I love that Miss M and Mr S have a community down in FL. They are well loved by friends and at church, some of which is definitely missing in C and my life. Mr S called six to eight friends together the night before my birthday so that we could all go out to dinner (Macaroni Grill rocks), which was so very sweet. Church the next morning was enlightening and Miss M and I had our navy dresses on.

All in all, the trip was a lot of fun and much more distracting than I had anticipated. I had gotten rid of most expectations before I went down there so that anything could happen and it would be fine. I also let each girl know that I was visiting to see her and to spend time and talk with her, not necessarily to sight see or do the FL thing. It was sad to leave because each of these girls had been such a huge part of my life at their own times, but I left knowing that I love them and they love me (made a friend out of the husband) and I can count on them. It's good to know you have friends, especially the loving, supportive, always be there type.

Rocked it Out

I kind of just got back from Florida. I kinda just had a birthday. I kinda just realized (again) how much my husband loves me. It has all been kind of astounding.