Wallowless

Just so you each know (and not to make anyone else feel bad), I am thinking of you fervently. I hope this means that the life you live is finding you well and that I am grasping at your love and affection, not that things are amok on your end too.

S, thinking of you in MT doing an awesome job. I would really love to see you because I love hanging out with you and you comfort me so well.

AM, thinking of you finally being home (I'll probably write you an email back in a moment) and what a relief it must be to sit, stand, walk around in your own house. And be able to calm little E with familiar things. And touch R.

Big E, thinking of you and projects and some of the conversations that we get ourselves into. Realizing how lucky I am that I've already seen you so much this year. The time we spend together relaxes me.

Miss M, wrote you a letter last night that is similar to the post below. Maybe more open because I trust you with everything. I miss miss miss you and I think of you and mister S often.

All of you give me more kindness and caring than I deserve and you're among the best huggers that I know (evidenced by the fact that I could detail each of your hugs). It's just unusual that all of you would be so present in my memory/mind for the past two or three days. Maybe a part of me is hurting and I look to you as my shield from anything worse (if Harry couldn't protect himself from a dementor attack, I'm sure we would see Ron and Hermione's patronuses fighting them off for him). Thank you for protecting me. I plan on doing the same for each of you. And I miss all of you.

I'm Okay. Really.

Might as well be honest and confess that I'm a bit of a wreck. Don't know whether being sick or being gone pushed me over the edge of sanity. I don't like to cry. I see it as an inability within myself to accurately and calmly deal with whatever is bothering me. And it's ugly, loud, and pity-provoking. Yuck. Yesterday, there was crying. Hysterical crying. Over the dead baby that I don't get to see this month like I planned. But the thing is, I am okay. Really. It's something that happens and quite honestly, my focus is on trying to get pregnant again and figuring out how to get this one born at ten months alive. You know, simple. But no, my damn feelings that already had their time, have to rear up and cause a meltdown. For no good reason. Because, before I say it too much, I am okay. I have a purpose, a focus, I eat, exercise, think about other things, pet the dogs. I don't sit around all day and cry about how the world is unfair. I try my best to heal by being proactive and healthy. Sometimes the bad thoughts get the better of me, but I don't wallow - there isn't a point to it. So why am I left crying so hard that I contemplate pulling the jeep over so that I don't kill someone? Why? Crappy subconscious is who I'm set to blame. Wonder if he'll admit to the ruse.

It scared me enough that I wrote about it in the DB journal, then in a letter to M, and finally, told C about it last night. Probably freaked him out a little bit. Any sign of female instability does that to him. It's just, I thought I was okay. Now, I'm going to go research iPods - any advice?

Catching Up With the Speed

Hello, I'm back. Not excited to be back at work, but not disappointed either, as this is the place that offers me the opportunity (time) to blog and read other blogs (encouraging and discouraging). The vacation was enjoyable and family packed. Unfortunately, the infection tagged along and invited some friends, so I was partially miserable. Upside: love the weather in Washington state where we were at. C wants to move there just for the cool nights. We've visited up there before and always spend our time on the farm. Out in the middle of nowhere. With a horse, a baby steer, and a huge barn. I think that makes us lucky. I even enjoyed wearing jeans and a sweatshirt the last week of July - something I can't do here.

Very happy to get back to our house, our stuff, our way of doing things. When I went to pick up the dogs, Bella looked at me as if she wasn't sure we were coming back this time. Boris had already adapted to his new routine at my parents's house. I missed both of them a lot. I got to visit with my maternal grandparents and my paternal grandpa, as well as my cousin and his two boys. I haven't seen the cousin + kids in quite a while, so it was nice to all get together. Figured out that children terrify Boris. So much that he tries to bite them - I think we have our work cut out for us. Other than that, I think the dogs were well behaved and we all got to have a nice quiet evening at home last night. Hopefully, there are more to come.

I have very little idea of upcoming projects. I think that I want to start working on the house, preparing it for visitors and maybe children someday. That means continuing to update the kitchen and working on the cabinets. Sister B also has fabric waiting to become a dress and a top that's all cut out and just needs to be fitted to her. I commissioned brother D (with no money) to think up a bed for C and my room that C can make - anything to get the bed off the floor and regain my under-the-bed storage (essential, I tell you!). Our bedroom still needs to be painted Sea Sand, but I'm considering an accent color so that I have a pallet to work with. After that, we may do a wall treatment in the bathroom and replace the medicine cabinet and the vanity/linen cabinet. You, know, possibly in the next year or two. After all that, all I have to do is head to the nearest TJ Maxx or Marshall's and spend money on linens. I am very skilled in that area.

I'm a little tired (with a sore throat) and I have work to do, but later there will be musings about how this little trip highlighted what we don't have in addition to what we do. Bittersweet, I guess.

Why Am I

Suddenly craving egg salad? So much so that I'm willing to risk the supermarket's vague concoction?

Don't Read if You're Having a Happy Day

Things I'm not going to talk about:
That it's July, almost August, and I should have been at least as pregnant as the girl we saw in The Limited on Tuesday (what was she even doing in The Limited - nothing was going to fit her!).
The awful tipping point at which one decides they are an emergency (I'm not).
Crying in the doctor's office.
Aiming for a specimen cup (I'm of the belief that girl parts don't aim so well, my pants from yesterday agree and it becomes one of those moments when I have penis envy).
Sharp pains and damnit finishing the painkillers from February.
Swallowing pills while the nausea from previous pills threaten the swallowing process.
Pulling skin off of thumb. Pulling skin off of foot.
Putting on a happy face for the family we are traveling with for seven days.
The possibility that this antibiotic won't work either.
How today is still better than yesterday.

Something I will offer is an article on WebMD about all this baby-making crap from a guy's perspective. A little long and it was originally printed in Esquire - apparently that's not quite the magazine I thought it was. Trying by Jeff Gordinier.

Hammered Eyes

Would love to be upbeat for this post. Love to, really. But it is not meant to be. Yesterday was spent at home, the doctor's office, the pharmacy, and back home. When you call to tell me that the antibiotics you prescribed will clear up the infection, I believe you and take them all knowing that I will be cured. I don't expect to be woken up in pain at 5am from infection-back-with-a-vengeance. So bad that I can barely move and I whimper as I, well, you know. It sucks. And it's draining to call the doctor all over again and wait for them to call back and go in there and get a little hysterical and have them tell you that's all they can do (and wonder if this round of antibiotics will make damned infection actually go away) and you need to see another doctor. I am so very tired, partly because this infection is exhausting and partly from the meds. I slept most of yesterday and all of last night and I'm still tired. What do you call the side effect that makes your eyes feel like they've been hammered into their sockets? I have that one. At this point, fatigue is just laughable. I desperately need to be better before we fly out of state - you know? Or this could very well come to a head at an ER on the west coast. What is so very sad is that I am not exaggerating. I wish I was.

That is how I'm doing. In case you wanted to know. I'm going to close my eyes for

No More Packing

What do you mean that I have to start packing again? The only reason I'm unpacked is because I wanted to show sister B my cool purchases (okay, rub new leathery smelling Rainbows in her face). I even got her something, which is more than the nothing I got C. His head is perpetually all about the derby car, so I don't feel bad. He should feel bad because he wants me to pack. Again. I was all proud of myself for packing for the NC trip in my carry-on pull-behind (which came back straining at the zippers) and now he wants me to pack again, in a carry-on, for a 7-day/7-night trip to a cool climate (no sundresses and skirts!)? You have got to be kidding me. Before I even start packing, I need to: call the aunt and uncle we're going with to see if they are doing the carry-on only thing, check the weather in Washington State, do laundry, and make a packing list. Yeah. Okay.

What else is going on? I'm like some of our dogs, any attention is good attention, but. I've been in contact with both of the boys in my life recently, and although it's not killing me by any stretch of the imagination, all of this contact makes me miss them a lot more. So, in case either of you didn't know, I really miss you. S, I'm expecting to see you no later than Christmas, and E, I better see you before then. Why you both saw it fit to move away from me, I don't know. Don't go blathering on about job opportunities. Although, I'm very proud of what both of you have done with your lives. Enough emotional blackmail. Is there an online site that I can scam a packing list from?

AD, the entire reason I posted a picture of that book (which I'm almost finished with) is because it looks like something you would/have read. Now that I'm in the midst, it suits you well - want it? Another thing to move halfway across the nation?

Deep and Pondering

I'm back. I was back Sunday night. I recommend Express Jet for a well-priced, polite airline. I'm much more awake today than I was yesterday. I purposely turned both of my alarms off yesterday because my brain thought it was Saturday or Sunday. The husband attributes it to different reasons, but that's because he's being skeazy. He's been really nice too, should I worry? It's not like he even had time to miss me since he was with the boys all weekend. Note: the derby cars are not done and the derby is August 11th and we leave for a week of vacation between then and now. Good luck.

I had a lovely time with AM, little E, and AM sister in NC. We ate, we laughed, we shopped, and we walked, so I really couldn't ask for more! It's the most time I've spent with AM since April. Of 2006. If that doesn't speak to something, I don't know what does. I'm really glad to be here for this part of little E's life! He's walking and exploring and very verbal (just because I don't understand what he's saying doesn't make him any less verbal). So he's a very good example to me of what a baby is. I'm going to be so shocked when the one I get (someday) turns out to be different. Big thank you to AM and sister for letting me come out and stay with you. I already have fond memories. And new Rainbows (the most excellent flip-flop ever).

There's not a lot else going on. We'll soon be gone for a week to Seattle with family and it's going to be so much fun, hopefully with a dose of relaxing thrown in. Maybe I'll post something deep and pondering a little later. Probably not.

Can I Have More?

Last night was packing night. Being the person that I am, every little thing distracted me, including, but not limited to: laundry, the books I bought, my earrings, my new earring system, trying on each dress that I'm planning to take, folding, putting away laundry, and taking pictures. Unfortunately, I didn't have a spare moment to hang up either (one dirty, one unfinished) of the dresses I made (AM, you are the only one that gets pictures of the dresses on me because I know that you'll be honest). Here are the resulting pictures:



This is my brilliant earring system. I'm in the process of stretching out my ear piercings and I have earrings of every gauge everywhere. So, I collected all of them and tried my best to figure out what gauge they are and separated them into this nifty weekly pill case. I numbered them and I know that the second T stands for 10. I'm still hovering around a ten, but these organic earrings I've had in for awhile seem to have set me back a bit. Eights are next and as you can see, I am prepared. There are also an abundance of twelves and fourteens because those are the gauges they use for navel piercings and the conch piercing I had for awhile.

These are my super cool organic earrings. One set is ten gauge, one set is eight, and the last is both. The one on the bottom is the one that I wear all the time because there is no way it's falling out. It is also the one that has two gauges in each earring: one side is a ten and one side is an eight. I get a lot of compliments on that one. Place where I found super cool organic (fair trade, AD) earrings: GARUDA, which I completely recommend.

This is the wrap skirt I made a month ago. I just love batik fabric and the warrior head looks awesome. I'm definitely taking this to NC.

I liked the look of the pile of jewelry I'm taking to NC. While looking at it, I realized there are only two pieces that AM didn't make or give me. See, this is why I need the girl around (and for many other reasons!). She made both of the beaded necklaces; the one with brown beads and green ribbon is such a security for me. The pearls that you can see in the gold bag are a beautiful combination of necklaces that belonged to both of us. They look fabulous with anything. Of course, the blue rag-tag bracelet in the middle is my solo purchase, but I got it all faded and bleached out one summer, so I treasure the memories. Thank you, AM. For both the beautiful baubles and the memories.

We (sister B and I) found a half price bookstore on Tuesday and I cleaned up. If I haven't mentioned it recently: I love books. A blank page is wonderful, yet still intimidating, and a page written upon allows the eyes and mind to roam freely. I'm hoping this will be a good book to take on the trip along with a few others. I now have enough of a library at home to choose gifts from. I just gave a coworker Wicked because it wasn't a favorite of mine. Anyway, I bought a few books for half price (still can't beat the Dusty) and a few more for $1 or $2 - great books that shouldn't have been shamed by being put on the clearance shelf. Do you think I'll be going back? Why yes, I think I will.

**PS. Thanks for the shoes, AM!

Where Did That Come From?

Another day at work. More menus. Holiday menus that require an ounce of creativity that I don't have. I'm tired. Haven't been sleeping well. Temps are finally up, but I am worn out after being dragged through every thought in my head. I can't wait to get out of here. On a small plane far away as of Friday morning. There will be walks and there will be shopping and mostly there will be alone-time for AM. Because she needs it and I have too much. And I can't wait. Only a day and a half of work left, and AM, no, I haven't started packing unless inside my head counts. The problem with that is I'm not packing shirts in my head. Only skirts and dresses, so I hope bare breasts (that should up my rating!) are "in" in NC.

After all of the vacations, I HAVE to begin an exercise routine. I have no idea what yet, but I feel like a sloth just sitting at the office all day to go home and sit some more. I need a cardio program interspersed with moderate weight lifting and intensive stretching. Motivation, I need some of that too. Can I pick up a box at Target next to the yoga mats? I sure hope so. I don't know what's happened, but faced with the truth in pictures, I vow to change. Those of you that know me won't believe me, but I'll say it anyway, I have a belly. While I could blame this on some psychosomatic issue related to the miscarriage or desire to be pregnant, it's not. I haven't gained actual weight, either - I guess it just rearranged itself. Eww. I need to be more active anyway instead of only using my brain to fabricate excuses. So what can I buy to make me look the way I used to? Pathetic self-evaluation over.

Had a steak dinner with the in-laws last night. They flew back from visiting brother J and came by to pick up Porter the beagle (formerly referred to as "Satan"). C grills better than anyone I know, so he did his thing and I'll get to eat left-over steak tonight. Did I mention that I was tired? I am.

Don't Forget the Volvo . . .

How about K-State purple? Is that better? Or black linen like sister B and I bought last night. In theory, to make a dress for her, but now I'm worried about the see-through-it-ness of the linen I bought and I'm no where near being able to make a lined dress. Okay, I probably could, but you can't get me to sit down long enough to finish seams, much less make a whole other dress to put under the real dress. So, no linings right now. We moved on to the wonderful world of JoAnn fabric, where the walls are lined in cotton, which I know how to work with. Sister B ended up with the prettiest murky green fabric with dark green flies and gold dots - we call it the bug fabric, soon to be turned into the bug dress. I had to argue for it - who knew the girl had something against bugs? And the gold flecks will make the whole dress more formal. You know, for a bug dress.

I got a chance to talk with AM last night and she handed me the best packing advice ever: bring rainbows and a volvo. But, since I don't have the volvo, she has one already in NC that we can use. She reminded me that it's REALLY hot/muggy there and that (and I quote) "You will not want anything between your legs." I found that funny. She was referring to wearing only dresses and skirts. Which makes me try and figure out in my head if I can make myself anymore skirts before I leave. Not to mention, I'm a girl (yes, yes I am) and I'm trying to pack for two nights/three days in a carry-on piece of luggage. TRYING. We'll see how that goes. Good thing AM already has a volvo there because if I had to bring one it just wouldn't fit.

I had a lovely evening with sister B last night. We had a lot of fun shopping for fabric together and just talking. We're nowhere near being twins, in looks or age, but we do have our own language that it's hard for others to break. It's not so different from speaking in shorthand, but it's combined with about two tablespoons of mumble. So, we don't complete words or sentences and we mumble a lot. For example, I had my wisdom teeth (all four) out about three years ago and I was trying to talk through the puffiness and gauze to ask Mom for something. I repeated myself three times before sister B walked by and said, "She wants some Hawaiian Punch, Mom - can't you understand her?" We both thought that was really funny. C doesn't pick up on mumble very well either, but sometimes it's nice because we can have entire conversations right in front of Mom or C without them catching the point.

Sometime this week, I'll post pics of the dresses I've made. Perhaps the skirt too. I'm looking forward to making more. It's a great feeling when someone looks at what you're wearing and comments that it's really pretty and where did you get it? Then you get to toss back the three word answer - I made it.

Ruling Out Clementine

I've spent the morning doing what any other girl that wants a baby will do: search out baby names. Thanks to one of the blogger girls I read for directing me to this site. As much as it pains me, I've ruled out Clementine. I'm such a name snob that somehow, I just know that my kids names will be in the Top 10. Whereas, right now, I will barely consider a name in the Top 800 and more points if it hasn't been ranked in the Top 1000 since 1918. This must be a form of elitism. Since I'm smirking, I must be a little proud of it. I named the baby that wasn't born and I assumed the gender, but named a genderless name. It is a name I haven't heard before, so I don't anticipate hearing it and having it bring back memories. I don't know if that bodes well for our future children. We just need to expand the naming pool because our boy names are hurting (which is okay because I'm planning on three girls). If we were to have a boy RIGHT NOW, C would insist on naming him the name that TWO of our close friends have. No. It's also in the Top 20. No. I heard a lot of stories on Friday of how the mother usually signs the birth certificate, so they just put down the name they preferred anyway. How about them apples, C?

This weekend I made another dress. This one is pretty. A bright blue batik print on white fabric with gold dots. It's a little big (and the last one is a little snug, so the next one should be just right), but the pattern is awesome. It's just for one dress, but it would be so easy to make a beautiful apron or top out of it. This dress looked so nice that sister B is thinking about having me make her a dress for an upcoming wedding! All I did this weekend was make this dress, so I will definitely post pictures when I get home.

Reason 42 To Hate Being a Girl: Hurt Feelings.
Really, I take life as it comes, I do, but BY GOD, there is only so much that I can take before the same hormone that makes me be a girl also makes me cry (or, you know, get angry). What triggered it this time, you ask? When the girl that had this job before me (and that's fine) prances in at 3:30pm on Friday (we close at 4:30 and that's fine) and she's visibly pregnant (even that's fine) and proceeds to talk to everyone (that's fine) and they talk about babies and how she's going to be such a good mother and what else she needs and they want pictures, etc (and that's starting to get to me). Then the bright red cherry appears in all of its glory. You can't miss it as it takes on the form of a flaming arrow in an arc towards my heart. Her due date is one DAY before mine was. And I'm not crying; I'm just pissed off at the response (insensitivity) of my coworkers. Thanks for the thought.

Can I Counsel the Un-Mutanted?

Here's the list of things not to discuss with your husband:
What colors to paint the house
What colors to paint the kitchen
What I wrote about yesterday on my blog and not the "G" rating
What colors to paint the bedroom

Especially when what you say is, "A lot of women are prescribed Clomid to get their ovaries to ovulate. Clomid has a higher incidence rate for multiple births."
And what he hears is, "If we have any sort of infertility, I'm going to take drugs that get me pregnant with octuplets." Then he proceeds to freak out. While I am driving. Not a good combination. I wanted to get pulled over for a speeding ticket just to escape the situation.

On a different subject, I really enjoyed the third X-Men movie. I own the first two and finally got a chance to see the third. Maybe I love the costumes, maybe the superpowers, or maybe that I always get to see Wolverine's chest. Whatever, it's all good. Can one of my 50 goals be to have superpowers? Every time that question comes up in a little survey I pick a different one. Let me tell you though, I was the voice who went "OH!" every time one of the mutants got shot with the "cure." How heartbreaking to lose the part of you that made you unique. I'm sure that they needed some therapy after their powers were stripped.

Appropriate for 4-Year-Olds?

I thought this was funny, but everyone else has awful ratings. The only word they flagged on my blog is "knife." Now I have to go figure out where I used knife. It was probably to cut up all the veggies that go in the cold salsa I made. It's really good. I just made it again for the 4th and it's a combination of my mom's recipe and C's aunt T's recipe. Too bad I had to cut the beautiful orange pepper with a knife.

Mingle² - Online Dating

Waiting on the Game Plan

I don't begrudge them any struggles or difficulties they may have gone through to get them there, but is it okay that I'm a little depressed that Nicole Ritchie and Christina Aguilera are preggers? It's really just that I doubt there were any struggles or difficulties. Now I have to watch their bellies grow while mine is flat. I hope everything goes very smoothly for both of them. And I'm ready for my turn.

One of the harder things about all of this isn't necessarily the waiting; it's the waiting with no guarantee that anything will come of our hard work. I was thinking (yesterday in the shower) that even the doctor said, "At least we know you can get pregnant," but I don't think that's at all accurate. In any other realm of anything, an occurrence happening once is no promise that it will ever happen again. Too many examples to name, but think of the lottery, lightening strikes, asteroids. "At least we know you can win the lottery." Huh. I'm just noting how much actual sense that comment makes.

It grates on me if I am trying in vain when I should be correcting an at-this-moment-unknown problem/deficiency/issue. Maybe I've been reading too many infertility blogs and I'm projecting. I want something to keep me busy on this front, I want to be proactive. Instead, I'm waiting and I don't know yet if I'm waiting in vain. In the meantime, I'll keep charting and playing with OPKs and progesterone cream. My new OB/GYN said that if we weren't pregnant again in six months, we could come in for tests. Which was rather generous of her considering standard protocol would have us waiting a year. I saw her in April, so I can revisit her mid-October to plop my little charts down in front of her and politely ask, "So what are we going to do, Doctor?" I guess that's the game plan.

The One With Pictures

The advantage of posting from the home computer is an entire folder of digital pictures. Let me see what I can find and randomly chat about this 4th of July.

This is a picture of my wedding ring on my hand (does this prove that I'm married?). When we got engaged, I received a lot of unwelcome comments about my engagement ring. The round band was my engagement ring and we added the chevron shaped one (in my mind, the V shape represents vow) when we finally got married two and a half years later. I picked out both bands so that they would go together. The comments were slightly more tactful than "that's SO tiny," "he must not make very much money," "you were screwed," and my favorite one verbatim, "that's your engagement ring?" People can be very rude. Not that they deserve an explanation, but I picked this ring out - he didn't. I knew that I'd be wearing it for a very long time and I did not want a ring that was big and stuck out from my hand. I wanted a comfortable, very simple band. C was the one that talked me into any diamonds at all. Yes, every single girl I know has a bigger ring than me and I think most of them are very pretty (especially AM's), but I didn't want those rings. I've had one or both of these rings on for five years already and I think they're more beautiful and practical every time I look at them. I love that C didn't argue with me about a bigger ring either, but he and my mom think that they're going to add a rock in the middle someday. Yeah right.

What else can I show all of you? Here's a recent picture of Boris the Blue Heeler. He's topping 53 pounds on the vet's scale and I have no idea where he keeps it. Although, he can drag C down the hallway. I guess it's a good thing because it puts Boris and Bella in the same category for heartworm pills and tick/flea protection.

Wow, that's a cute one of the little bugger. There are others where he looks like more of the demon dog that he is. I thought of more pictures y'all should see! These were taken when the inspection was done on the house, so I didn't take them. These are the two sides of our porch, one runs lengthwise and one runs width wise. Note the lovely colors on the spindles (what was this lady's problem?!).

That's all for the 4th. Please don't choke on a hot dog or blow your fingers off. I'll try to do the same.

Mundane Accomplishments

I slept badly last night - anyone else? Did the earth shift cockeyed?

Friday I arrived home early to my birthday present from C: a stainless steel kitchen sink with new faucet. Lovely. The best part was that it was fully installed and everything he pulled out from under the sink was put back. It is a beautiful sink. I washed some dishes Saturday. I also began taking kitchen cabinet doors off on Saturday because the shiny new sink made them look worse. Sunday, I stripped the 14 upper cabinet doors of the awful white crackle paint over deep lavender that some lady decided to paint. Note: stripping is hard, but it inspires anger when the only reason you have to do it is because a stupid lady used CRACKLE paint (regular paint on cabinet doors could have been sanded down and repainted). Tomorrow I am going to finish the preliminary sanding on the already stripped upper cabinet doors. This is some process, but if you give a mouse a cookie, surely she'll want new counter tops and pretty white cabinets. You know.

I'm still working on my50. It's really hard not to be trite. I work better with guidelines, such as: only list things that seem impossible or don't list anything that seems too easy. Does it make me a less creative person if I utilize guidelines? My best work has been done under the pressure of guidelines and deadlines, which means that this after-college part of my life has produced less than stellar results. It's okay, I'm trying to create life. Not working out so well for me.

I am all set up to accomplish things tomorrow. I have my kitchen cabinet door project, 12+ retro clothing patterns from a coworker, $30 to spend at JoAnn's, and lots of bits and pieces in a very colorful present from AM, R & little E, and tattoo design for big E.

Got a chance to visit with R when he stopped by last night. N&A and A's brother T came by also. Makes me love my giant porch. We had steaks, rice, veggies, and pasta salad. I'm l------l this close to being Miss Suzy Homemaker. Watch out.

Please notice the awful crackle paint. Does anyone think I'm eligible for a kitchen remodel? Please send my name to the right people.