Maybe I'm Just Not Sure How To Do This

I would prefer: with grace, dignity, and sincerity
Instead it seems more like: brash tears and flying fists

Claiming That Which Someone/thing Owes Me

Practical Questions:

Why the hell is C in such a funk? He is totally NOT allowed to PMS when this cycle is about to crash down and I am about to PMS. That's why it seems like it would be really hard to be in a lesbian relationship and cycle at the same time.

Why are the nurses from the dr's office so hopeful? I know I mentioned it was uplifting and all positive and crap less than five posts ago, but now my vote swings in the way of annoying. I've proven to them that this doesn't work, so why don't they believe me? How can they end every phone call with "Call us if you miss your period or get a positive pregnancy test!?"

Why isn't this process working? We're okay on the boy part, I'm taking pills to fix the small problem with the girl part, and there has been a painful amount of sex. Seriously, shouldn't we try something else if this isn't working?

Will being in a stressful place at both work and school be good for the help-free upcoming cycles? Yeah, I didn't really think so.

Did no one think to warn me about the two weeks from due wife and the five day old baby at the Memorial Day get-together? Really? Not even a heads up to make it a little less awkward? Because it was awkward. Kinda like telling someone you love them and getting slapped in the face. In addition, of course, to the "Do you have kids?" question that I love. The answer is no. Or, at one time we had planned on it and there was a malformation, anomaly, or death, you know, whatever you'd like to call it (except a missed abortion, because terminology like that tends to send me into a murderous rage). Would you even believe that I still had a good time and that they were wonderful people? I did and they were. I just would have appreciated some sort of alert so that I could be better prepared. Maybe I carry my pain better than I thought.

So they aren't all practical, but I vote them all valid. Along with a (oh, how exactly to preface this) disturbing? coping? realistic? thought. The way I have become okay - in my personal space within my own mind - with friends having beautiful babies and unanticipated pregnancies, I have compartmentalized it all. HERE are the people that have been blessed by God with pregnancy and beautiful babies. THERE I am and I am the opposite, whatever that is. This means that I can bestow love and affection on these wonderful women and soon enough, their beautiful babes. It is a coping mechanism and an enabling tool. We all have those for different purposes.

Others:
Am I angry? Yes
Am I sad? Yes
Are there happy moments? Yes
Am I miserable? By no means
Do I have a place for my thoughts? Mostly; need to work on it
Am I still grateful? Yes
Do I care? Yes, but it hurts
Am I hormonal? Sure as the sun rising in six hours
Why?
Why?
Why?
When? Ever?

Not to Exhaustion. Yet.

I'm assuming that you sometimes have to be okay and content when you've done all you can do on any certain project, task, or towards a goal. I'm just not sure when you figure that out. Not related to that at all, I have a lot of school work to accomplish in the next six weeks. There are two classes (one on comic books, another dealing with world political geography) on top of the full-time, stressful job, and what I hope is a wonderful summer. As I delve further into class material, I think that I'm going to wonder why there is not an infertility/pregnancy graphic novel. So far, I think a graphic novel would be a wonderful medium/format through with to tell the story of women and their reproductive freedom/choices/attempts. Yes, I too have noticed my lusty love affair with the backslash and I will try to keep it more under wraps.

I'm still tired and still busy and am finding myself in love with a posting by Mel entitled Emotionally Busy. I think it is one of the many things I've found that explains part of how I feel sometimes (lots of qualifiers in that sentence - only meaning that I am probably the only one that can pinpoint exactly how I feel). She does mention that each month (failed cycle) is another opportunity for grief and lost hope.

I had something worthwhile to post about, two things that were coherent and structured, but I lost them somewhere in the mid afternoon. I'll be back if I find them. Ooh, I kind of remember one topic - it dealt with sex and I might have to think it through a little more. Loaded subject, sex is.

Someday These Posts Will Get Better. Really.

I'm tired. I had a fabulous weekend, again, and I am tired. I'm tired of trying to get pregnant when it seems so accidental for others. I hate living so far away from the people that I love and that make me feel whole. And now I'm whining.

Does anyone else take on way too much in order to be busy (perhaps to avoid thinking on certain subjects) and then resent the business? Does that make me psychotic?

Far Before Blah Blah

I am currently obsessed with yogurt. Just the vanilla kind and only Dannon. I'm somewhat of a yogurt snob. I think it's better than ice cream and it doesn't hurt my stomach nearly as much.

I was feeling blah. Still am to a certain extent. Glad that I finished the book that I bawled through (a little light reading anyone?). Hoping the hot flashes are about over. Wondering at the dizziness that came on me today. It's the only side effect actually listed on the prescription for the magic pills and this is the first time it has happened. I feel like we are just going through the motions this cycle. Pretty sure it's not going to work, but having to prove that to someone, I guess. It's all just kind of blah.

C mentioned after the stretch up to 2s that he would like me to stop gauging my ears. I didn't promise not to, and I didn't really agree, but I probably somehow indicated that I would respect him in this matter. And I do. It's just that when I started, I intended to get to 0s. Not 00s, or any increment of inches, just 0s. So I bought some earrings to stretch to 0s and talked to C last night. Explained to him that I wanted to meet my goal and I didn't want to go any bigger. That stopping now would disappoint me and be like reading a book and giving it away before reading the last chapter. I even told him that after I stretched to 0s, if he hated them, I would go back to 2s. He agreed, but wasn't happy about it. Before, and I'm not sure how far before, I would have just done it and not talked to C. I would rationalize that it is my body and I can do with it whatever I please. Now, there is this man that loves me so much and cares about what I do to my body and I want him to respect me, so I respect his opinion. I guess that's how it's going to work now. What a change.

I Think I Busted a Gut from Laughing So Hard

I had the greatest weekend.

It's always a good idea to figure out who has your back. You know, if you get thrown in jail, hustled for a few thousand dollars, or desperately need a baby. E&R have my back and I love them for that. I spent the weekend with them. Eight hundred miles (plus) round trip. Far far from a Chipotle. C&D came up to visit on Saturday and I can't even begin to explain how excited I was. I was probably shaking the entire visit. It was just so good to sit down and eat, talk, laugh, tease Friends. The ones that knew you way back when and still have your back. It means that you've gone through some stuff with them and they are still there. They have changed and evolved, just as I have, and decided that we are still us. I love that. I appreciate that. I am filled with love. I hope they got at least half of the enjoyment I got out of this weekend, because my joy kettle is full. Way full. I probably shouldn't say joy kettle, but everything else sounded dirty.

What meant the most to me?
Two things, first, that love was so tangible all weekend, and second, the grace with which miss C handles her pregnancy and me (the two things that could be crazy together, but weren't at all).

Funniest phrase?
. . . and that's why the boys like me . . . (miss C) and *that's so rude!* (E)

I need friends like these and I am so grateful that I have them. For when they read this, I got your backs too. No doubt.

Swimmers in the Lake and Swimmers in, Well, You Know

We celebrated C's birthday yesterday with dinner and drinking. He's a big 2-8 years old now! One of the best presents (I think, but in his own words) was that his "swimmers are normal!" That's what my dr called to tell him on Friday. Which is good. More than good. But. We still are not pregnant more than a year after our miscarriage. So. Is it all me? As far as we know, I am working (with a little help) and he is working, and with two functioning reproductive systems, shouldn't there be a baby? Or at the very least, a pregnancy?

I guess we keep trucking on and keeping our fingers crossed (not our legs - that would be counterproductive!). C keeps saying no, but I'm going to look into a Hawaiian vacation for next year. It would be wonderful. And it's not like we're going to be pregnant by then. Because, really, are the odds in our favor yet, or do they just keep stacking up against us? It sure feels like that some days. You know, another pregnancy announcement and more newborn pictures.

In the meantime, we have a life to live and I can celebrate the wonderful man that I so desperately want to have babies with. I love his birthday because on that day, C was born and without that, I wouldn't have him. We're off to continue the celebration with a little fishing.

Sometimes it Hurts

Am I supposed to be counting cycles, months, negative pregnancy tests, or failures? About 19, almost 24, too many to remember, and I'd rather not. What state of mind am I in if I expect negative pregnancy tests? What is our next step? When will the hormones stop wreaking havoc on my body? Why can't a normal, healthy 24/almost 25yo get pregnant and have a baby?

All I want is a baby.

Instead, with the last two negative cycles, my ears have been tortured by gauging up (down?). Today was the first time I did it on purpose. Stretching my ears has been a very gradual process over the past year and a half (almost as long as we've been trying to have a baby and there is a reason for that). I have gauged up whenever my ears have been healed and I've gotten the next size bigger - anywhere from six to twelve weeks. A coworker asked me why I did it about six weeks ago and the smart ass that I am replied that it's something that I have control over and it's a small way to feel pain. I probably meant it more than I realized. His next question was about my stress release. This time, it was planned. Negative pregnancy test = moving up to 2s. They didn't hurt near as much as the 6s (worse stretch to date) or the 4s (second worse). But I control this. This is mine. I guess, at this moment, I stretch my ears because I can't get pregnant. Some do more constructive things and some do worse. It does help with the repeated vision of me taking my reproductive parts (neatly packaged in a suitcase-like form) and setting them out beside the trash on the curb.

I want my baby in my arms so very much. I don't know what we have ahead of us to achieve that. I'm so grateful for C and for wonderful friends, but I need my baby. We need this to happen for us.