Just something I can relate to . . .

I'd like to think I have some eloquence to my writing, but here it's just emotional word vomit most of the time. So I wanted to link to this post about secondary infertility.

Where I am at: brink of crazy

We are on the brink of a pregnancy test. Of course, my mind is in overdrive and I cannot focus on anything.

This FET was kind of hard. The meds are okay - they were a little more expensive because our local pharmacy can order them. The l.upron went fine. The birth control made me feel like I was really and truly crazy and out of control. The estrogen patches itch and I'm about to Google "how to remove strong adhesive from delicate skin." The best place for me to wear these is mid-upper back along either side of my spine. I can feel them all day and night and think I'm a young dragon about to sprout wings. I put them on my midsection near my belly one day and they happened to fall on either side of a natural crease and pinch. Painfully. So I took them off about 12 hours early (didn't replace - wasn't wise). That was the day of an appointment and the blood work came back with my estrogen slightly lower than the dr wanted. They prescribed the green estradiol pill to the neither regions every night (tell me that you all understand that means I had to stick a green pill in my vagina). Guess who drove two hours (4.5 hours round trip) to the dr on a Thursday and back again Saturday morning for a 1.5 minute blood draw? Thankfully, my estrogen level went back up to a very nice level. 

And the PIO shots. C and I forgot how to do them and C aimed a little low on the first one - ouch! Then we remembered the quadrant rule and they've been going better. Until last night, when I was on my own. I started reading and watching everything on self administration of PIO shots, which was diverse. My dr said to do it in the thigh if I had to do it myself - to squash the thigh while seated and go in from the top into the outside of the muscle. Everyone online said that the thigh hurts like hell. My dr was concerned about twisting off a needle if I did it in my own hip/butt area, however, I watched a few videos and remembered how much it doesn't hurt (less nerves there) if you get the sweet spot. After 20 minutes of shaking anxiety (could see my pulse through my chest and belly), I did it. It's not even about the pain - these PIO shots hurt less than the subcutaneous l.upron shots (insulin needle) to the belly - those sting. But it is not natural to stick a needle that long and thick (21 gauge, I think?) into your soft flesh. I have a lot of self preservation, I guess. Twisted my body, aimed, and darted the needle into my upper butt, lower hip and it was fine. And by fine, I mean sore with pockets of oil in my muscles, but still better than other things.

Cr.inone, my dear friend. Are you tracking this? I'm on two applications of estrogen (green pills every night and four patches every other day) and two applications of progesterone (PIO shots every night and cr.inone every morning). Crinone is a gel with a applicator that goes -- you guessed it -- in the vagina every morning. It's expensive and um, clumpy. The body sucks out all the progesterone and leaves something of a wet toilet paper consistency behind. Which is green, from the green estrogen pill. I'll stop now. Except to add that this can irritate sensitive areas.

Add to that some baby aspirin, vitamin D (I love this stuff and it's been linked to higher rates of implantation) and some probiotics. There needs to be a prenatal vitamin in there, but I own two different brands and they are both HUGE and one brand wants me to take six a day. Any advice here?

Here I am. I took a pregnancy test (HPT). The dr says it's too early, but the numbers in a normal pregnancy should make one detectable about now. It's okay (no it's not) - the test was inconclusive, sort of. I'm terrible at reading those and could never read ovulation predictor kits either. It was negative, I think. But I also might have seen a shadow of a second line. Totally unsure. No idea. Here's the thing: I think I could be pregnant (and all the forces that conspire against me align).

Hear me out - the meds have affected me a little differently this time, so a lot of things could be chalked up to that. Swollen boobs and other parts since starting the progesterone or maybe the estrogen - can't remember and isn't due to a possible pregnancy, but it's different. Other systems are matching up with my first pregnancy and I'm tired (could be progesterone). Oh, and the abdominal twinges - I think I remember about my pregnancy with Ivan and there have been a few on the left side of my body and some in the center uterus area. I had to go to the chiropractor too - a rib was completely out and with Ivan, my ligaments went to hell at five weeks.

Next is the HCG pregnancy test that requires a blood draw. And then I have to go in and get another draw two days later - regardless. Just in case an embryo took some extra time on the way to implanting.

This is psychological torture for me. The disappointment is always crushing. I meet a new therapist next Thursday.

Hello you readers

Hi Stacy, you are never far from my mind on this - your experiences (and beautiful, talented family) and your sister's. You people, just by existing and living make a difference. Thank you for being you.

Sarah, I'm so sorry. So very sorry for your loss. since you've been reading this long, you might have seen my darkness after my miscarriage. It lasted a year and I should have found help. No two people approach the loss of a baby, a hope, a future the same way, so I won't make assumptions about how you are processing. But know that I am here and you are very welcome to reach out (bashanne@gmail.com) if I can help, if a conversation or a listening ear can be of comfort. That was the purpose of my darkness, I think. And I really think Laura is super strong - she inspires me.

And for some others - thank you for being there in the quiet and listening.