What to say?

Lots has happened and we're still waiting on the best bits.

My darling C has put up with a lot: hysterical crying, misguided anger, and being told the sex we just had was terrible. Not my best moments.

I've been quite proficient at giving myself shots. Especially the easy l.upron ones with the insulin needles. The stims with the mixing, q-caps, saline and $50 clouds of fluff caught me off guard. That first night, with AM by my side, I tried, got confused, then freaked out and finally got all the meds into my body one way or another. It was a small scale trainwreck and to quote AM, "It only took 20 minutes." Thankfully, with C as mixmaster extraordinaire, things have gone much smoother. I mean, I'm still fussy (before shooting up) and very silentangry (after shooting up), but I'm sticking a needle in myself. And m.enopur stings.

Oh, and I hit a small vein or capillary or something while Mom was watching me shoot l.upron, so there was blood and then a giant bruise. I'm super talented.

And most recently, I've got over a dozen follicles brewing in one ovary and half that in the opposite. But as we all know, don't count your follicles until your eggs are retrieved, and then, don't count your eggs until they're determined mature and fertilizable, and then (okay, we'll stop there). The NP at the RE's thought that was pretty funny. My last US went well (how many women can laugh with a dildocam pinning their right ovary in place?) and labwork looks great. So far, I believe I'm textbook. Which is better than being the one that they have no idea why things are wonky.

I'm sure there is much more drama and stabbing to come and I'm not ruling out a case of OHSS (I read to eat protein and drink water - not g.atorade due to the salt). Need I write it? Please let this work. Or let it give some answers. Or let it give us closure. Any or all of the above.

- Posted from my mobile phone

Out-of-Pocket Cost

As of my appointment today, $11k and change. Will itemize later. Holy shit. We're not even to the meat and potatoes of this game (or egg + sperm = embryo, then blastocyst, if you will).

When was the last time any of you threw down eleven grand at the blackjack table? Because, have no doubt, this is a gamble.

- Posted from my mobile phone

I'll Just Be Honest

Even birth control is screwing with me. Bloating and constipation are the main culprits, but heartburn reared it's ugly head. But I'm not certain, because I am coughing-fever-sniffles-congestion-sore throat-green drainage sick also. So, the sore throat is a toss up: really bad heartburn or continual drainage sliding down the back of my throat. I am unpleasant.

I don't care what I'm wearing today or that the minimally acceptable duties are being performed at my job right now (oh, except for that part where I went to the grocery store over lunch to get a veggie platter, dill dip, pita chips and hummus for a dear Coworker's birthday, and then to Paner.a for a mango smoothie, okay, for both of us). Although rumor is that I flirted with at least three older gentlemen at work today, which while low for me, is still one more than advocated by department standards. I just don't feel good.

I don't care at all about the one hour prerequisite technology course I'm currently taking. I just bitched my way through the postings due last night. I also received moments ago, confirmation that I've been accepted into the librarianshipenhoodsmith program to begin graduate work in January. Here's the thing, if I can get pregnant and stay pregnant through January, I'm thinking this degree might need to kiss my ass. However if bad things happen or no things happen (which are still bad things), I might need this degree program for distraction and/or comfort. Or I'll need the grad school money for therapy. Which I'm already seeking.

That's all I have the capacity to write about right now.

- Posted from my mobile phone

Eggs

I need them for chocolate cupcakes for a coworker's birthday tomorrow. Yeah, it's 930pm. There is one in the egg carton in the fridge.

I've got two things to say.

First, C is picking some up on his way home from out of town.

Second, why is it all about the eggs? I'm set up to inject myself with freaking hormones to produce 10-15 (I'm aiming for 16 in order to be an overachiever). And that's all that is going to come to mind when pondering eggs.

IVF is a wonderful bitch. You just can't know the unyielding grasp it has on your life until you've invited it to possess you. Then it will and when you ask it why it has to control every little thing, it just smirks.

Some Days Get You

C was supposed to provide his part of the whole shebang this morning. I bought him cold medicine (the good stuff behind the counter) last night. Does anyone else have this problem? It just doesn't work with cold medicine. We both forgot. Thankfully, we were both accepting of this fact, as was the doctor's office and C was able to reschedule.

My grandma was taken to the ER and then put into the hospital for COPD complicated by pneumonia. We think everything is going to be fine, but it isn't something to mess around with.

And what is really weighing on my heart is the news that a dear friend miscarried. They just told me about their third addition not three weeks ago and they were exhausted, but so very excited. Their oldest son was convinced the baby was a girl. I received a text earlier today that they lost the baby. All I could send was my love. Until I headed to my own dr appointment and saw a girl walking out with a small belly and I smiled to think that she was somewhere in an early pregnancy. I then looked up at her face and the guy accompanying her. My dear friend and her sweet husband. I froze, not knowing whether to intrude or just let them be. Half a second later I remembered how alone I had felt with my own news four and a half years ago, bolted out of my car, knocked on her window. I gave her a hug and told her I loved her. Despite having been there, I do not know if those were the right words or actions. And still, I'm strongly considering showing up at her house this weekend just to sit, either with her and listen, or with the boys to give her and the husband a few moments.

This reminded me again (because AM was instrumental in lighting the fire) that I need to talk with someone. Reducing anxiety and coping mechanisms are at the top of the to-do list. I was lulled into thinking that every pregnancy except a possible one of mine ended in a live baby and again am so sad to find out that's not true.




- Posted from my mobile phone