FET #2 Ramblings

We're doing this again - which is most likely why the last post reads "hypersensitive" all over it. I already feel crazy because the same day we accepted an offer on our house (yep, not sold - just paperwork) I called the RE. It's on my mind and it's on my heart, what can I say?

In my defense, I'd just had a period and knew that if I didn't start birth control within a day or two, I'd have to wait another month. I'd also come to the realization that yes, I do have mood swings before my period, because that wicked lash out at C was not something he invited. I hate not being in control and I need to be better at perceiving these seemingly random shifts and reigning them in. Said on the brink of what hopefully becomes a pregnancy - no mood swings or irrationality there.

Some honesty for everyone? I don't know that I have a lot of faith this second FET will work either. The RE is upping his game with an endometrial biopsy, but the odds aren't in my favor and let's remember, even when they are it doesn't always work (taking the statistical bullet anyone?). I think there are a few things I can count on - my body reacts well to the meds, the shots don't really phase me, I figured Crinone out (take a probiotic!) and we can (I can) handle this if we don't get pregnant. Even if we find out right after C's birthday and right before Mother's day and just when I need to start planning a wonderful three year old's birthday party. It will be okay. And if I'm not expecting something like a pregnancy or baby, I will be a tiny bit less disappointed. Which begs the question - why am I almost 32 and still playing the protect-my-feelings game? Right. Because infertility can cripple me every single time. It will be okay.

Something shallow? If this does work, we'll have a winter baby. I never wanted a winter baby. More maternity clothes. A possibly treacherous drive to the hospital or birth center. Born in the midst of flu season. Less sunshine and warmth to bolster the postpartum period. But we all know I'd take a baby in an instant no matter the season.

While logic dictates that the failure of FET #1 wasn't my fault, I can reason and feel that it might have been. But since I don't know what it is I did wrong, I don't know what to fix or do differently. I feel like I need to be eating better (long story - we do eat well, but my body is still reacting really poorly to something in my diet that I cannot figure out) and be stronger - will keep working on both of those. Because eventually, we* will get pregnant and have another baby and it will be awesome. Sounds a little like I have faith and lack hope. Is that possible?

*For those who get really irritated with pregnant women who say that "we're" pregnant (and I used to be in the irritated category as well), for the way that we get pregnant, it couldn't be done by me alone. There are very few parts of this process (getting pregnant, pregnancy, birth, newborn, parenting, etc.) where I am the only one in it and I'd rather speak in a way that reflects just how much C carries me through all of it. There's something to that. And that revelation, folks, came with wisdom and maturity. And gray hairs and age spots - same thing, really.

Out of curiosity - who is still reading along eight years later? Or just stumbled across?

Public Service Announcement

I think this one might be a little too much for my mainstream blog. Which I'm still internally debating. So I'm posting it here. First. Maybe.

Just a little information for the curious.

Thank you for your concern about the spacing of my children and how I "don't want them to be too far apart." There are reasons why Ivan does not have a younger sibling yet.

• Two childcare payments would be over $1100/month.
• Yes, we will have to do IVF again.
• Yes, that does cost thousands of dollars.
• No, after spending all of that money and injecting all of the medication, we are not guaranteed a pregnancy or a baby.
• Yes, that makes IVF a risk - financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, etc.
• Yes, it could be a physical risk because of the medications.
• Yes, it could be a physical risk because of the increased possibility of multiples.
• Yes, that result would change the entire way our family lives (for example, would I keep working, or would we afford over $1700/month in childcare?).
• No, a pregnancy is not just going to happen on its own this time.
• Yes, I would like my children to be friends.
• No, I do not think that a specific age difference makes that more or less likely.
• Yes, we do like to make sound financial and emotional decisions - which we will take our time doing.
• We still own a home in KC. That we just kicked renters out of (so we're paying the mortgage, gas, water and electric) and completely overhauled (not cheap). It's on the market. There are no extra funds.
• There is no such thing as paid maternity or paternity or parental leave in the US. Look it up. The leave I took with Ivan? They agreed to hold my job for me for 12 weeks - that's it. The reason I was paid? I used all of my earned/accrued sick and vacation leave from the previous three years. The US really needs to get more supportive of families because this is ridiculous. 
• Yes, there were some issues at the end of my pregnancy with Ivan, no, they shouldn't occur again. Ask anyone with a preemie child if they are eager to to walk into the unknown with a subsequent pregnancy. Tread lightly.

Which is really my public service announcement. Tread lightly on this topic and maybe pause to realize that you don't know or understand all of the information that informs our decision on when it is best for us to try to have another baby. Also understand that we will ask for your well meaning advice if we want it.

I should be my own best advocate? I agree.

I couldn't find a way to comment on this post, so I'm commenting here. Jen is so right. I have posts back in 2007 and 2008 about how an inept obgyn mismanaged and dismissed my infertility, my recurrent UTIs and painful bladder, and kind of endangered me (unmonitored clomid cycles are just unbelievable). I communicated with her that something was wrong and shared what I thought was wrong, but I was, if not ignored, seen as a nuisance and pacified.

So I began talking to others and standing up for myself. I interviewed my next doctor (clothes on, in her office, not an exam room) and I came at her with my hypothetical questions. She was run out of town before I could see her as my doctor (because she put her patients first and there is no place for that in a corporate setting), but she is listed as my referring doctor at my RE's office to this day.

Which doesn't even touch on everything else that I've tried for my fertility and digestive issues - TCM, Mayan abdominal massage, urogynecology, medications, TCOYF, therapy (two different therapists), herbs, acupuncture, diets, colon cleanses, allergy testing - I can't even recall everything. Which is to say, like Jen, I have screamed that there is something wrong and I think it's all connected from the rooftops, I have taken advice and implemented it, so maybe the medical community should LISTEN.