There is one

The wonderful thing is that the second FET worked. We are 16 or so weeks pregnant. Just paid off the remaining balance at the RE's office* (it was less than I thought). I'm happy, I just feel more comfortable as milestones are met - anatomy scan, viability, baby earthside. We're doing well and making some plans. Due sometime in January.

Lots more to detail at a later time - the less-than-stellar first HCG numbers, sigh of relief at only one embryo taking hold, resigning ourselves to a doctor in town, that doctor's less-than-positive response to my hopes for a VBAC and reoccurrence of preeclampsia. My fears. Our gratitude.

*I know that I brag on our RE's office a lot (in person too), but they are so professional and compassionate. I can also observe their practice as someone who has worked in doctor offices (at least three) for 7 or 8 years. They are ready with a kind word, up-to-date research and journal articles, full disclosure on cost and how insurance might help. When I spoke to billing yesterday to pay our balance, it was to a woman I've never interacted with before - she had to have the billing screen of their software up to process my payment. But she also asked how I was feeling, wished me an easy pregnancy and reminded me (at least twice) that they would love photos of our newborn. Very friendly like. I know the clinic would like stats on this next little one's birth too (and as a lover of data, I will willingly oblige). There is a vested interest there that I won't deny, but they don't have to be nice about it and they are. Because of this clinic, I hold all other doctors to a higher standard. 

Just something I can relate to . . .

I'd like to think I have some eloquence to my writing, but here it's just emotional word vomit most of the time. So I wanted to link to this post about secondary infertility.

Where I am at: brink of crazy

We are on the brink of a pregnancy test. Of course, my mind is in overdrive and I cannot focus on anything.

This FET was kind of hard. The meds are okay - they were a little more expensive because our local pharmacy can order them. The l.upron went fine. The birth control made me feel like I was really and truly crazy and out of control. The estrogen patches itch and I'm about to Google "how to remove strong adhesive from delicate skin." The best place for me to wear these is mid-upper back along either side of my spine. I can feel them all day and night and think I'm a young dragon about to sprout wings. I put them on my midsection near my belly one day and they happened to fall on either side of a natural crease and pinch. Painfully. So I took them off about 12 hours early (didn't replace - wasn't wise). That was the day of an appointment and the blood work came back with my estrogen slightly lower than the dr wanted. They prescribed the green estradiol pill to the neither regions every night (tell me that you all understand that means I had to stick a green pill in my vagina). Guess who drove two hours (4.5 hours round trip) to the dr on a Thursday and back again Saturday morning for a 1.5 minute blood draw? Thankfully, my estrogen level went back up to a very nice level. 

And the PIO shots. C and I forgot how to do them and C aimed a little low on the first one - ouch! Then we remembered the quadrant rule and they've been going better. Until last night, when I was on my own. I started reading and watching everything on self administration of PIO shots, which was diverse. My dr said to do it in the thigh if I had to do it myself - to squash the thigh while seated and go in from the top into the outside of the muscle. Everyone online said that the thigh hurts like hell. My dr was concerned about twisting off a needle if I did it in my own hip/butt area, however, I watched a few videos and remembered how much it doesn't hurt (less nerves there) if you get the sweet spot. After 20 minutes of shaking anxiety (could see my pulse through my chest and belly), I did it. It's not even about the pain - these PIO shots hurt less than the subcutaneous l.upron shots (insulin needle) to the belly - those sting. But it is not natural to stick a needle that long and thick (21 gauge, I think?) into your soft flesh. I have a lot of self preservation, I guess. Twisted my body, aimed, and darted the needle into my upper butt, lower hip and it was fine. And by fine, I mean sore with pockets of oil in my muscles, but still better than other things.

Cr.inone, my dear friend. Are you tracking this? I'm on two applications of estrogen (green pills every night and four patches every other day) and two applications of progesterone (PIO shots every night and cr.inone every morning). Crinone is a gel with a applicator that goes -- you guessed it -- in the vagina every morning. It's expensive and um, clumpy. The body sucks out all the progesterone and leaves something of a wet toilet paper consistency behind. Which is green, from the green estrogen pill. I'll stop now. Except to add that this can irritate sensitive areas.

Add to that some baby aspirin, vitamin D (I love this stuff and it's been linked to higher rates of implantation) and some probiotics. There needs to be a prenatal vitamin in there, but I own two different brands and they are both HUGE and one brand wants me to take six a day. Any advice here?

Here I am. I took a pregnancy test (HPT). The dr says it's too early, but the numbers in a normal pregnancy should make one detectable about now. It's okay (no it's not) - the test was inconclusive, sort of. I'm terrible at reading those and could never read ovulation predictor kits either. It was negative, I think. But I also might have seen a shadow of a second line. Totally unsure. No idea. Here's the thing: I think I could be pregnant (and all the forces that conspire against me align).

Hear me out - the meds have affected me a little differently this time, so a lot of things could be chalked up to that. Swollen boobs and other parts since starting the progesterone or maybe the estrogen - can't remember and isn't due to a possible pregnancy, but it's different. Other systems are matching up with my first pregnancy and I'm tired (could be progesterone). Oh, and the abdominal twinges - I think I remember about my pregnancy with Ivan and there have been a few on the left side of my body and some in the center uterus area. I had to go to the chiropractor too - a rib was completely out and with Ivan, my ligaments went to hell at five weeks.

Next is the HCG pregnancy test that requires a blood draw. And then I have to go in and get another draw two days later - regardless. Just in case an embryo took some extra time on the way to implanting.

This is psychological torture for me. The disappointment is always crushing. I meet a new therapist next Thursday.

Hello you readers

Hi Stacy, you are never far from my mind on this - your experiences (and beautiful, talented family) and your sister's. You people, just by existing and living make a difference. Thank you for being you.

Sarah, I'm so sorry. So very sorry for your loss. since you've been reading this long, you might have seen my darkness after my miscarriage. It lasted a year and I should have found help. No two people approach the loss of a baby, a hope, a future the same way, so I won't make assumptions about how you are processing. But know that I am here and you are very welcome to reach out (bashanne@gmail.com) if I can help, if a conversation or a listening ear can be of comfort. That was the purpose of my darkness, I think. And I really think Laura is super strong - she inspires me.

And for some others - thank you for being there in the quiet and listening.

FET #2 Ramblings

We're doing this again - which is most likely why the last post reads "hypersensitive" all over it. I already feel crazy because the same day we accepted an offer on our house (yep, not sold - just paperwork) I called the RE. It's on my mind and it's on my heart, what can I say?

In my defense, I'd just had a period and knew that if I didn't start birth control within a day or two, I'd have to wait another month. I'd also come to the realization that yes, I do have mood swings before my period, because that wicked lash out at C was not something he invited. I hate not being in control and I need to be better at perceiving these seemingly random shifts and reigning them in. Said on the brink of what hopefully becomes a pregnancy - no mood swings or irrationality there.

Some honesty for everyone? I don't know that I have a lot of faith this second FET will work either. The RE is upping his game with an endometrial biopsy, but the odds aren't in my favor and let's remember, even when they are it doesn't always work (taking the statistical bullet anyone?). I think there are a few things I can count on - my body reacts well to the meds, the shots don't really phase me, I figured Crinone out (take a probiotic!) and we can (I can) handle this if we don't get pregnant. Even if we find out right after C's birthday and right before Mother's day and just when I need to start planning a wonderful three year old's birthday party. It will be okay. And if I'm not expecting something like a pregnancy or baby, I will be a tiny bit less disappointed. Which begs the question - why am I almost 32 and still playing the protect-my-feelings game? Right. Because infertility can cripple me every single time. It will be okay.

Something shallow? If this does work, we'll have a winter baby. I never wanted a winter baby. More maternity clothes. A possibly treacherous drive to the hospital or birth center. Born in the midst of flu season. Less sunshine and warmth to bolster the postpartum period. But we all know I'd take a baby in an instant no matter the season.

While logic dictates that the failure of FET #1 wasn't my fault, I can reason and feel that it might have been. But since I don't know what it is I did wrong, I don't know what to fix or do differently. I feel like I need to be eating better (long story - we do eat well, but my body is still reacting really poorly to something in my diet that I cannot figure out) and be stronger - will keep working on both of those. Because eventually, we* will get pregnant and have another baby and it will be awesome. Sounds a little like I have faith and lack hope. Is that possible?

*For those who get really irritated with pregnant women who say that "we're" pregnant (and I used to be in the irritated category as well), for the way that we get pregnant, it couldn't be done by me alone. There are very few parts of this process (getting pregnant, pregnancy, birth, newborn, parenting, etc.) where I am the only one in it and I'd rather speak in a way that reflects just how much C carries me through all of it. There's something to that. And that revelation, folks, came with wisdom and maturity. And gray hairs and age spots - same thing, really.

Out of curiosity - who is still reading along eight years later? Or just stumbled across?

Public Service Announcement

I think this one might be a little too much for my mainstream blog. Which I'm still internally debating. So I'm posting it here. First. Maybe.

Just a little information for the curious.

Thank you for your concern about the spacing of my children and how I "don't want them to be too far apart." There are reasons why Ivan does not have a younger sibling yet.

• Two childcare payments would be over $1100/month.
• Yes, we will have to do IVF again.
• Yes, that does cost thousands of dollars.
• No, after spending all of that money and injecting all of the medication, we are not guaranteed a pregnancy or a baby.
• Yes, that makes IVF a risk - financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, etc.
• Yes, it could be a physical risk because of the medications.
• Yes, it could be a physical risk because of the increased possibility of multiples.
• Yes, that result would change the entire way our family lives (for example, would I keep working, or would we afford over $1700/month in childcare?).
• No, a pregnancy is not just going to happen on its own this time.
• Yes, I would like my children to be friends.
• No, I do not think that a specific age difference makes that more or less likely.
• Yes, we do like to make sound financial and emotional decisions - which we will take our time doing.
• We still own a home in KC. That we just kicked renters out of (so we're paying the mortgage, gas, water and electric) and completely overhauled (not cheap). It's on the market. There are no extra funds.
• There is no such thing as paid maternity or paternity or parental leave in the US. Look it up. The leave I took with Ivan? They agreed to hold my job for me for 12 weeks - that's it. The reason I was paid? I used all of my earned/accrued sick and vacation leave from the previous three years. The US really needs to get more supportive of families because this is ridiculous. 
• Yes, there were some issues at the end of my pregnancy with Ivan, no, they shouldn't occur again. Ask anyone with a preemie child if they are eager to to walk into the unknown with a subsequent pregnancy. Tread lightly.

Which is really my public service announcement. Tread lightly on this topic and maybe pause to realize that you don't know or understand all of the information that informs our decision on when it is best for us to try to have another baby. Also understand that we will ask for your well meaning advice if we want it.

I should be my own best advocate? I agree.

I couldn't find a way to comment on this post, so I'm commenting here. Jen is so right. I have posts back in 2007 and 2008 about how an inept obgyn mismanaged and dismissed my infertility, my recurrent UTIs and painful bladder, and kind of endangered me (unmonitored clomid cycles are just unbelievable). I communicated with her that something was wrong and shared what I thought was wrong, but I was, if not ignored, seen as a nuisance and pacified.

So I began talking to others and standing up for myself. I interviewed my next doctor (clothes on, in her office, not an exam room) and I came at her with my hypothetical questions. She was run out of town before I could see her as my doctor (because she put her patients first and there is no place for that in a corporate setting), but she is listed as my referring doctor at my RE's office to this day.

Which doesn't even touch on everything else that I've tried for my fertility and digestive issues - TCM, Mayan abdominal massage, urogynecology, medications, TCOYF, therapy (two different therapists), herbs, acupuncture, diets, colon cleanses, allergy testing - I can't even recall everything. Which is to say, like Jen, I have screamed that there is something wrong and I think it's all connected from the rooftops, I have taken advice and implemented it, so maybe the medical community should LISTEN.

Choosing gratefulness

I have a grateful story that I want to share because I'm coming around to grateful.

We were supposed to start FET #2 with my December cycle (or January, but I was hoping for December to save my sanity). We'd spoken to my RE and while everything was textbook for FET #1, he suggested adding an endometrial scratch/biopsy to FET #2 for the extra boost it might give my high quality embryos to implant. It's probably going to be crampy and more expensive, but I'm glad we're doing whatever we can to improve our chances for pregnancy.

So December. I'm very aware that I'm anovulatory, but I usually have cycles that are regular (I call them copycat cycles, since they give the illusion that I ovulate) and I was counting on that for timing around ordering meds, the biopsy and the RE's two week holiday vacation (yay, Dr!). Then my cycle didn't start and it didn't start. Which is cruel. A different, hopeful woman might wonder if she was pregnant, but I was just so mad. I had all the transfer dates from my RE's nurse and I had an idea of how each timeline would work and I was missing all of them!

Then we bought a new furnace for the house we still own in a town two hours away. And the renters didn't pay rent. And it was Christmas. And I missed the transfer window I was counting on. So we made a stressful Christmas happen and then began paperwork to evict our renters. I paid our rent, our bills and the mortgage on the house. We realized that we could no longer count on the renters to pay or at least pay on time - so they need to move out and we need to fix the house up and get it on the market. Which will take a significant amount of our money over the next few months.

In short, the money that was going towards our next FET is going to update our house and get it sold. This made me mad and sad and now I'm trying to see it as a blessing. This pushes off our next attempt for a somewhat indeterminate amount of time, which is a little heartbreaking, but my late cycle made it so that everything happened as it needed to. I see it and I am grateful.

Loss this time around

So this is the month to remember what we've lost. I've lost a pregnancy, almost seven years ago. Which sucked. I have friends who have given birth to babies who were still, friends who have had miscarriage after miscarriage, friends like me who have found even getting pregnant a huge challenge.

We were lucky with our first IVF because it worked and we have our beautiful son. It was hopeful and empowering because finally, we were pregnant and then, even though he was early, that little guy was alive and healthy. I've known for awhile that I wasn't going to "get over" my (our?) infertility - it might as well be branded on my soul. It stabs and hurts and aches that I need to call a doctor to even attempt to build my family further. But we did and we signed up for the ride and did the medicine and the transfer and the test. Negative.

I can pinpoint what I didn't lose this time - I didn't lose a baby. However, I lost a little more hope and got punched in the gut. I lost an opportunity. I lost time. I lost physical, emotional and mental well-being. I lost money in the gamble. To try this hard and have it not work? It sucks. It's another pervasive loss that I confront every time my throat wells up.

Those I've confided in keep telling me that it isn't my fault. I know that. I do. And reason bears that truth. But logic disagrees. And it's the wrong side of the statistics again. I'm so done with this side.

Maybe I'll write more when I can be cohesive. Maybe not.

And it's Real

Which could mean so many things. The subcutaneous shots and red syringe bucket make it real for me - just like last time. I get to stop bcps tomorrow though and that's great - if they are the thing that is making me crazy. Because I am crazy and I wish I wasn't, but rational me is a glimpse in the mirror these days. That's really all I have to report. Going to go do some shots now. Nope, not those kind - sadly, I'm better at my kind.

Oh, does anyone know - can I actually give myself a PIO shot? I've got anticipatory anxiety. Sounds like a real thing, huh? I'm concerned about not having the angle or the force needed for the jab into the hip area. I might go watch some videos . . .