Still Breathing

It's sometimes the naive ones that get on my nerves. Ironic, because I used to be one of them, unfair because I sought out information with a desire to learn. I thought that when you wanted a baby, you merely did away with all types of contraception and POOF!, you are suddenly pregnant. I was wrong. I've been reading too many blogs of infertiles who finally had children and I always search back to the post when they found out/are telling everyone that they're pregnant. I think that I'm masochistic in the worse way - taunting myself like that. I always have to remind myself that I am young (not 30 or even close) and we know I have the ability to get pregnant, so now is the hard part: just waiting. There's a real lack of control in waiting this way and I would have never thrown myself into a category with control freaks, but here I am stressing out about things I cannot control.

Boris decided to pee on our other bed last night. Completely maliciously from my perspective - he'd been outside to play about three times within that hour. And not just a little bit - a huge circular mess that was all over sheets and comforters and blankets. We tried to clean it with Resolve (note: need to buy stock in Resolve) and this morning I realized that we have a little green machine and I'm going to try that on the stain. A stain doesn't bother me - it's the smell and the possibility that the wetness will grow mold or mildew in the mattress. All of that sounds healthy, I'm sure. C doesn't think he has an infection, so I think that he needs stricter training and more reinforcement. I will not be stuck with a dog who won't obey for the remainder of his life.

In other news, I have a second interview with human resources tomorrow morning. I'm not as excited for this one because I'm afraid of being disappointed by their salary offer and benefits. I'm trying to prepare myself for all of that. I did send an email out [yesterday] to the lady I interviewed with last week because I hadn't heard anything. She wrote me back within two minutes and said that HR was supposed to contact me for an interview and she'd check into it. They called me yesterday afternoon. It's nice to be wanted and liked. I hope this works out and that there is a plan for whatever happens.

I'm just really stressed out by a whole bunch of things that I can't control and I need to find a way to let them go. C is so good at doing that, but I am the champion grudge holder, which I am no longer proud of. I'm more ashamed and I need to figure out how to fix myself. A new job and a pregnancy aren't going to fix it, so I really need to work on it. Breathe in, breathe out, let it all go. Something like that. Counting doesn't work. Neither does throwing things and yelling. Breathe in, breathe out.