Sewing Closed the Gash

It's not that men don't have emotional fluctuations, it may just be that they can contain them a bit better. I'm not okay with it. I get to the point where I think I am, can talk about the miscarriage (notice it's "the" and not "my") without crying, still talk about the pregnancy happily and even next time, then the unhappy little grinch starts to come out. The best I can tell you is that if you've never had a mc, then you've had a charmed pregnancy. Even with aches and pains and contractions and labor: charmed and innocent. I don't know what all that's like, but for next time, I'm praying that I get to experience them. When you say "like last time," you mean that time when you were pregnant, delivered, and have that beautiful baby on your hip. When I say "like last time," I mean dead baby and not a thing anyone could do about it. So when you ask me, and I thank you for asking me even though it felt a little like you were doing research, and whatever I have to say you respond to with "Oh, so you're okay now," makes me not like you a little bit. Yeah, I'm okay for most of the days out of any given cycle (not month, cycle). Except the ones anticipating ovulation and the ones around ovulation and the ones after that include the false hope of the next pregnancy. The days when blood appears and is no longer about the circle of life, but a stark reminder of death are also days when I'm "okay." Just in case you were wondering. I am doing better, in comparison to how I was feeling two or three months ago. Maybe nothing you could have said would have been right, but I am still glad that I saw you and thankful that we could talk and I had a chance to hold your seven-week-old son.

It's been a rough few days with C's job situation (long story, he quit this morning), a lot of family through the house, and the thoughts in my head. I have to wonder if given more attention, would the thoughts grow like a cancer or allow themselves to be patiently addressed and filed away? I need them to file nicely. Since they won't, I've been a little harsh to C (justifiably - some things we need to work through even if he's stressed out) and I've been sewing and reading like they're going out of style. Made an awesome apron on Sunday and a skirt yesterday (can we tell who wasn't getting much attention from her husband?). Still can't believe that I made something I can actually wear, although, don't be too impressed because it required no buttons, button holes, or zippers. Those are next.