A Little Bit

Thoughts:
I’m not sure where to begin. I didn’t think we would get this far. I didn’t think that I’d be one of those women. I expected more statistical anomalies, and simply, more hardship and grief. It was still going to hurt, but I was prepared. And now we are here. I’m pregnant, closing in on 20 weeks and a fetal anatomy ultrasound. It’s been incredibly surreal inside my head.

Physical:
Seventeen weeks yesterday (on the 17th!). Heard a very strong heartbeat about a week ago while with the midwife. Have a very small (probably only visible to me) bulge. Haven’t felt discernable movement yet, but I hear that is around the corner. Lots of abdominal pulling and stretching and dull aching – most likely growing, rearranging and some round ligament pain. I don’t think that I’ll get through this entire pregnancy without a maternity support belt/wrap thing. The sciatic/sacrum shooting pains have taken a break and I’m feeling better for the most part (thank you physical therapy). Walking and sitting no longer cause the pain that they did previously. My back hurts while sleeping and I need to invest in one of those pillows they talk about. I’m still wearing most of my clothes – two or three pairs of pants button & zip – the rest are adaptable. Shirts are actually my problem as I still can’t stand anything tight around my stomach area (and lower) that exerts discernable pressure and shirts have been stretching across the upper (ahem) and lower regions of my torso in some unflattering ways. I love tank tops (soft), roomy shirts, PJ pants/sweats and my slippers. Leggings and dresses are very close second favorites. I *think* the fatigue and nausea are on their way out, but hate to tempt them back. Been eating fairly well and still trying to drink enough during the day.

Thoughts:
We’ve been discussing some baby things: names, feeding, a Plan, labor, etc., but all in a very theoretical way. I hear myself saying “When the baby is here . . .” and I mean it, but I don’t really know. I have considered the fact that no matter how this goes down, we’re meeting our health insurance’s out-of-pocket maximum this year (whether it is all wonderful or something goes south). I’m starting to believe it might just happen. I might get huge and (even more) uncomfortable. I might get the chance to deliver at the birth center with the calming midwives. I might bring home a real live baby. Who might grow up to be wonderful. Maybe. It’s scary.

Generosity:
The comments on the post with the announcement. Those are precious to me. Thank you for your continued prayers and well-wishes. Despite my defensiveness (I’m continually working on it), most people have responded in a generous way to our news. Lots of excitement and celebration from parents and friends. There is talk of showers, which aren’t so worrisome anymore, and generous offers of car seats, clothing, toys, etc. There have been joyous texts, cards and emails in my inbox. Most of my direct coworkers know and are supportive, even if they want to talk about pregnancy every five minutes (I don’t at all – I just want to live day-to-day through this) and continually ask me how I’m feeling (uh, fine). I know that some are really curious and the others are looking for a way to connect, so I’ve cut them a lot of slack – we all know that I’m not the easiest person to be around (especially if I’m hungry – then I’m just mean). From a very petty place: I’m waiting for the comments about how I’m carrying and the hands reaching for my belly and the rude comments (which hopefully never come).

Final thoughts:
I bitch and complain a lot. I whine. I seem very ungrateful at times. I am, we are, so very grateful. For so many things: science, medicine, hope, love, faith, family, friends, support, and prayers. I’m trying to work a little more patience and grace into my life. I am grateful for this pregnancy and the child I hope results from it. That is the bottom line.

- Posted from my mobile phone