Am I supposed to be counting cycles, months, negative pregnancy tests, or failures? About 19, almost 24, too many to remember, and I'd rather not. What state of mind am I in if I expect negative pregnancy tests? What is our next step? When will the hormones stop wreaking havoc on my body? Why can't a normal, healthy 24/almost 25yo get pregnant and have a baby?
All I want is a baby.
Instead, with the last two negative cycles, my ears have been tortured by gauging up (down?). Today was the first time I did it on purpose. Stretching my ears has been a very gradual process over the past year and a half (almost as long as we've been trying to have a baby and there is a reason for that). I have gauged up whenever my ears have been healed and I've gotten the next size bigger - anywhere from six to twelve weeks. A coworker asked me why I did it about six weeks ago and the smart ass that I am replied that it's something that I have control over and it's a small way to feel pain. I probably meant it more than I realized. His next question was about my stress release. This time, it was planned. Negative pregnancy test = moving up to 2s. They didn't hurt near as much as the 6s (worse stretch to date) or the 4s (second worse). But I control this. This is mine. I guess, at this moment, I stretch my ears because I can't get pregnant. Some do more constructive things and some do worse. It does help with the repeated vision of me taking my reproductive parts (neatly packaged in a suitcase-like form) and setting them out beside the trash on the curb.
I want my baby in my arms so very much. I don't know what we have ahead of us to achieve that. I'm so grateful for C and for wonderful friends, but I need my baby. We need this to happen for us.
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