It Would Be Nice to Leave the Anxiety Behind

I am so anxious right now that I am dreaming of anti-anxiety medication. Are they pretty purple pills? Deep turquoise? Chalky white? I am doing anything that my mind/body is telling me will bring about calm or comfort. Thankfully, the anxiety is burbling right under the surface, so the appearance of normalcy is not too difficult to maintain. So far, it has led me to watch a sad sad movie (against my better judgement), fold a mountain of laundry, and make the house glow (I'm not sure exactly what the completion of this desire looks like - clean house and lights, candles, warmth? Abstracts can be so confusing). Since none of these urges have been destructive, I figure that makes them constructive and therefore, not bad. Unless I stay busy, I can feel the anxiety in my core, the back of my throat, and in the area right behind my eyes. Maybe it is a sinus infection.

All of what we are going through culminates with tomorrow, Monday, and two weeks from such. It is incredibly stressful. I never feel like myself on these fertility medications. I don't react like me, I'm overly emotional, I can't sleep due to alternating hot flashes and freeze outs AND manipulative dreams that I can never conquer (eight hours of sleep, most nights, yes - but eight hour dreams where I have to figure out how to stop ____ from killing _____ through sheer ingenuity = not restful). I am not me. C is not himself. You explain to a boy that gets to have sex nine out of ten times he asks for it that he's got to wait, uh, awhile. Then his date is probably a little less satisfying due to the inclusion of a sterile container hungry for his contribution.

My hopes are not set high at all. I don't really think that this time is going to be the time it works. I'm not sure that this protocol is going to work and we may need to step things up a little bit. My hopes for this IUI are twofold: I would like to see two mature follicles during the scan with a few back up singers in the wings and I would love to see C's sperm count somewhere near normal; mostly just not incredibly dismal. Those two things will allow a little more hope in the door and will give us an indication, upon like circumstances repeating in the next IUIs, whether or not optimal IUI conditions with this protocol are going to work.

I know that I fixate on this stuff too much. I work on not thinking about it, but all of this is a huge part in our future. Because of our difficulties in having children, our future is not nearly as clear as it once was. Not thinking about all of this is a great concept, but it just is not happening. Every public outing is filled with children, pregnancies, and unbidden thoughts (such as: how many boxes of Cheerios would we need if we had an 18-month-old right now? Like a Costco amount, or just a regular big box?). Yeah, I'm nuts and I feel nuts. What can you do besides trying to calm down? That doesn't always work.

On top of all of this, I have this strange left-behind feeling. Realistically, I have about the same number of friends with children and babies as I have friends without. The friends without are in that place for various reasons, but mostly they just are not at that point in their lives yet. I know that I am closer to many of the friends with young ones. I love them and their children and their pregnancies. I relate to the extent of my abilities, but I can't truly understand what they experience as moms and dads. I am not a mom. I don't know when or if I will become one. It certainly isn't for lack of trying or wanting. I want to "get it" so much. So very very much. They, you, know this. We must be back in that place where life seems to be standing still for us and going by at a blur for everyone else. It is an entirely unfair comparison in the grass-is-always-greener type of way, but it feels so very real.

In the good news category, some distant friends of our just announced a pregnancy that has been a long time coming. They have been at this IF game a little longer than we have and are expecting. We are not especially close to them, but the husband's openess about their trials have made the path a lot easier for C (he took the shame out of the equation and inserted crude humor, which is incredibly appealing for these type of men). While I wish that the wife and I could have connected and offered support to one another, it was not meant to be and I respect her need for privacy. It is exciting to hear of another couple emerging successful from the trenches (stirrups?). Another piece of information to be excited about is my new insurance coverage. I finally called to check on the specifics and the insurance company covers infertility procedures, treatments, and drugs - after my $700 deductible is met at 50% coinsurance. Of course, they were pretty sure that this coverage did not include IVF and there is a $10K lifetime maximum of infertility coverage. What this means to us is that one IUI cycle meets the deductible and anything we do for the rest of the year should be covered at 50%. It is a heck of a lot better than nothing and if we need to do a few IUIs with injectibles, then all of that expensive medication is 50% off. Very good news.

I need to work on laundry some more and somehow figure out how to make the house glow? Wish us luck in this game of money, emotions, and chance.