Looking Towards the Uncertain Future

Don't know if you can tell, but that is a zero sized hole in my ear. And if you look carefully, you can see the edge of a pink flower in the yard THROUGH the hole. I feel bad that I sneered at a kid that said he wanted 4s. But he's seventeen and not all that responsible (so it seems, I could have misjudged). I don't think it was easy to get to this point. And since it is over . . .

I turned 25 a week ago as I was flying home from FL. Again, there was a smaller realization that this journey to a baby has been two years long. If I was a magically fertile person, I would have had a baby at 23 or 24 and we would be talking about baby #2. Unfortunately, that is not our reality. We, instead, have conversations (at my prompting) about how far (money-wise and medical procedure-wise) we are willing to go to build our family. This summer has been our break and we've taken full advantage of it, but. I was at Target a few days ago and thought about how easy it would be to call the doctor and get a script for the magic pills. That is just sick, but it comes on the heels of a super short, almost for sure annovulatory cycle. To have the knowledge that the chance of you becoming pregnant without help is unlikely is terrifying.

We had a conversation the other morning, okay I talked because I had stuff on my mind, about the future. What I tried to explain is that I cannot handle being in the same place in two years. This eerie limbo of infertility combined with the miscarrying fear is slowly eating me. I don't even know which scenario to be more afraid of: inability to get pregnant or losing that which is so precious to me. I can't be here, right here in this emotional, mental spot, in two years. I told C that we have time (what, am I going to become more infertile?) and if we needed to take a year or so to figure things out, that was fine. But there will be a plan. I cannot handle waking up on my 27th birthday, counting the four years and not see any hope in the future. So began the abbreviated conversation that included IUIs, IVF, and adoption. It is not anything C wants to discuss, perhaps he feels that me forcing the issue is giving up some sort of faith. I'm not giving up faith, I just realize that it is going to need some help and encouragement. If I truly did not have any hope left, none of this would sting and hurt as much as it does.

As it dawned on me exactly what C was planning to do for my birthday, in the same thought I felt so guilty, and even a little shameful. This wonderful man that I married loves me so much and wants to give me everything I desire. And I can't give him the one thing that we both want so very much. I get it - that it's not really my fault. You try and communicate that to my heart. I do everyday.

Wish me luck in my upcoming Human Sexuality class - there is a good chance that it will touch on infertility, etc. I am going to try my best to stick with this thought: Until you are in that very situation, you can't possibly know what you will decide is best for you and yours. That applies to ever so much.