A safe preface might be that I am too selfish to care about anybody else right now. I can't believe that the same husband that cancelled the float trip because he and everyone else couldn't take a half day off work COULD take a half day off work to go to a stupid concert. A concert on a Tuesday that was supposed to start at two, then five, now eight. Anyone see why I am irritated? I haven't seen him since maybe Saturday and won't see him until maybe tomorrow night and then not until perhaps Saturday because he is being insensitive. He won't DO anything on the weekends or weeknights because he's too tired, but he can go to a concert with his friends? He can't make time to take me out for a birthday dinner (yeah, it's been three weeks since), but he can definitely go to a seven hour concert of a band I have barely heard of? He can't spend anytime with ME doing something fun or meaningful, but he can take off this Friday to drive 300 miles to help a friend with demo derby? Yeah, I know why he's doing the last one and I encouraged it, because I am an understanding wife who fosters her husband's relationships. It's not that I'm actually upset about any of these events, it is more that I am jealous that he chooses to use his time and energy on anything but me. I want him to want to spend time with me, but I can't force him to want to spend time with me. Guess who is going to be too tired to hear me yell at him tonight? Yeah, that husband.
Perhaps that is coupled with an incredibly ambiguous day. I'm waiting for something, you know, to further this crappy baby making process. But, it can't get here yet because the dumb watch won't be here until tomorrow at the earliest and Friday and the latest and it needs to be used at least by cycle day two or three (I think it's really one or two - I need to check). Further more, I am the dumbest infertile girl on the planet because, yes, I still hold out a secret, very small hope that I will just turn up pregnant. If not, I do want the next available opportunity to try out the new, couple hundred dollar gadget I just bought. Makes perfect sense.
Remember me mentioning that I was so glad that I no longer worked in obgyn anymore, but that I still see pregnant women on a daily basis? Yeah, that usually goes fine. When I'm in a good mood I am super supportive and chatty about pregnancy, good at asking questions, and generally a person you would love to share your life story with. When I am in a bad mood, I am dismissive and distant. We had a patient today that came in pregnant with her husband (boyfriend? FOB?) and children. She was 21. That's fine. I could have responsibly had a baby at 21 and been a great mom. What happened was that I couldn't look up for the longest time to see how many children were sitting across the room in the lobby. I only knew there were multiple. When she was finally called back, I counted: four plus one on the way equals five children before she turns 22. My stomach turned and I didn't look back up and tried to not think about the abundant fertility right there in front of me. Wow. And I'm the one that karma has decided to bless with no children? (P.S. Of course the fifth baby was another Medicaid baby, so I'm also excited that my tax dollars pay for her children and zero tax dollars are helping me create my children.)
Second thing was that I had the chance to talk to one of our patients briefly about the wildest subject. She is a really sweet girl and always says something nice when she comes in. This time what fell out of her mouth was that she'd just seen something on donating eggs and she was toying with the idea of it. She's young, just out of college, tall, athletic, and she mentioned that she was healthy. I told her the tiny bit of information I know about it and of course said that she should research it if it was really something she was interested in. I had to add that it was an unequaled act of kindness because of all the people who really wanted to have children and were in some way unable. She then asked me (in her string of randomness) if I would ever consider being a surrogate for someone. I stuttered over that because A. I still had a coworker next to me that I haven't and don't want to fully come out to as infertile, and B. I have thought about it but the answer is complex. I kinda just said that we are having a little trouble having babies of our own, so it probably wasn't an option for me. I got the pitying look from a 22yo. Yeah. But she did said that she was sorry and that she hoped it would all work out for us soon. I mentioned an RE that works for the hospital, but I have no idea if he collects donor eggs and I told her that as far as we know, the eggs aren't really our problem (so she doesn't think I plan on kidnapping her and harvesting her tall tall eggs [I would love to get a little more height in the family]). It was a weird conversation and I think what I'll take away from it is the hope that the subject of family building is somehow reaching a younger and somewhat empathetic generation (I realize it is essentially MY generation, but still, me and her are light years apart).
My answer to her question (in case you had a burning desire to know [PS. Get the burning part checked out because untreated UTIs can wreak havoc in your body]) is complicated. I don't think I should even weigh in until I know how my body deals with pregnancy, because I've seen women whose bodies hate being pregnant and that is all there is to say about that. Also, I think I am automatically rejected as a viable candidate due to one miscarriage and infertility, but I guess that could be ignored if I have three beautiful pregnancies in a row and they somehow reset my faulty system. I'm not sure I could handle either not getting pregnant with someone else's child or miscarrying someone else's child (or all of the other psychological implications - not sure that I am or ever will be strong enough). That all said, as far as surrogacy is a heart matter, a loaning of your body to give a baby to someone else, I think that I am okay with that part of it. It's the physical and psychological aspects that hold me back. I know there is one out there that has lovingly volunteered for us, but it would take so much more thought (probably prayer) for that ever to be a possibility. And I hope to God that it does not come to that.
As if all of that isn't enough, pregnant coworker had her baby Saturday (there are pictures) and neighbor girl had hers Sunday morning. Both had girls with lovely names. I had the chance to hold neighbor girl's baby on Monday, over my lunch hour, just as they were arriving home. Yeah, I'm fine with it. Really, it is just someone else's baby. I completely understand that. I'm jealous of the experience, not either of theirs, but the one that I didn't get to have. And the lingering question of why I had to lose a baby while unfit mothers birth five, no problem.
Surely tomorrow will be easier, right?
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