See, I get overwhelmed easily. Do most people?
I have a small idea how many of you out there in reality (like I know your face and possibly your family) and even in the interweb WANT this for me. Don’t get me wrong, I want this for me too. Your thoughts and prayers mean the world. That no one is calling us selfish or telling us we’re wasting money or that we’ll be terrible parents or that this isn’t G*d’s will is also meaningful. Sometimes I can’t even handle it all. I’ve made myself build a little dam to hold all of the goodwill back. Not because I’m ungrateful, just because I’m scared that too much hope will get a hold of me and as I’ve mentioned, I think she’s kind of a two-faced b*tch sometimes.
Because if this doesn’t work, there are, of course, a few frozen embryos waiting for us (joy, serious joy floods me when I think of them). But that is an easy, rational answer, and this process is neither easy nor rational. Do you see? The embryos the doctor transferred were still growing when they were placed in my uterus. Whether that makes them alive or babies or cells, I won’t argue, but they were/are potential family for C and me. So, if we get a negative beta (pregnancy test with numbers, remember?), I’m not sure, but I might react as if something/one died. Whatever your beliefs or semantics, something did die – a hope, a dream, a chance, a possible future, etc. I really need to be prepared for that. Some of you can’t possibly understand preparation for terribly bad news, but maybe you are the ones who handle that type of news better than I do. I handle bad news incredibly poorly. There is incessant crying and rage and anger and spewing of hateful words phrases ideas towards everyone and anything. I did the unexpected bad news thing before and was stuck in the darkness for about a year. Go read my early posts – they are seething with hatred. I have a therapist because I can’t go back there and I am preparing myself for a negative result because I need to for my sanity and self-preservation. I only ask that you understand and don’t feed me hope that I can’t handle.
Because I am well aware that this could work. That we could receive a phone call with an amazing beta and then a doubling beta and then an early ultrasound with a heartbeat obvious on the screen (or G*d help us all, two heartbeats) and then a fantastic OB visit, followed by numerous others, then a 20-week ultrasound where everything looks perfect and then the birth of a healthy baby, ready to bring home. It’s possible and it’s what we’re aiming for, but . . . understand that we’ve been on the wrong side of statistics multiple times and it’s difficult to believe you might be the 50-60% when you’ve been the 10% and then the 20% of that 10%.
So when I say delicate balance, I mean DELICATE BALANCE with insanely minute tipping points EVERYWHERE like live wires dangling or landmines.
Update from the V angst: my clinic doesn't do JUST PIO shots - they supplement with suppositories. I did have a yeast infection and was prescribed di.flucan for three weeks, as well as ordered some great probiotics to hopefully stave off more infections. Changed progesterone script to the once daily gel (as the clinic offered no option that doesn't involve something inserted in my V - which I understand better after reading about localized progesterone vs. bloodstream progesterone) and that's seemed to help. Things aren't peachy down there, but they are better. Which in context of my V, makes "delicate balance" all the more applicable.
- Posted from my mobile phone
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