The Things I Said

I said . . .
I expect you to do everything necessary to continue being my mom for as long as possible. This was said to my mom as she was discussing not having the cancer in her lymphnodes removed. I was a little insensitive, but passionate about a quality alternative being found to eradicate the cancer before it grew. My parents are currently in Phoenix for a few weeks seeking a low dose chemo treatment that is more often utilized in Europe. I plan on visiting her soon. She won't say that she has cancer and doesn't want us to be worried or scared. But, c'mon, she's my mom.

I said . . .
I'd like to RSVP for A's baby shower. Because I want to go. It is important to me (and us - her husband is N, a close friend of C's). This little boy, due in July, was hard won and much wanted. His dad would like to believe that it wasn't the plastic flexible catheter and syringe that got her pregnant, but with the unassuming promise of new life, does method really matter? So I plan on going and supporting and loving. Because A deserves it.

I said . . .
C, we need to talk about the future and our family. Some days I am fine with this pause and I realize that we either will or will not have children and that so much is outside of our control. Others days I am seized with a desperation to do whatever is necessary to build the family I so desire: herbs, acupuncture, adoption, IVF that would break the bank, WHATEVER IT TAKES. The desperation makes me sick because I am aware of it and my rational side will never let it completely loose and the whatever-happens attitude is equally devestating because it doesn't accomplish anything. Both seem lose-lose. How do you feel?

He doesn't go through this all unaffected. His two closest coworkers and friends are pregnant and he faces their excitement everyday. He's thinking IVF, since we don't know the likelyhood of "fixing" me with some of these other ideas. I mentioned even holding off on some of the lesser treatments until after summer due to his busyness and the ability we'll have to pay a few things off. Which means that I still don't know where we're at, except that it's by my words that we're putting things off even more. Maybe by fall we'll have another consult with the RE and know where we are headed. Maybe not. As I mentioned before, I don't carry my own hope. In fact, I'm pretty sure I ignore the concept behind that four-lettered word.

I said . . .
I'm so happy for you! And I mean it each and every time. Your pregnancies scare me just because I worry, but your impending parenthood and your babies bring me joy. These tiny little people heal wounds that hope and time have caused. They grow to yell my name and talk about me from memory. I can't even explain the feelings that well up in me. They may not be mine, but I love them and they will grow up to love me and I am okay with that.


- Posted from my mobile phone