The Wonderful C

In long overdue fashion, I present the creator of my fabulous sperm (which will someday result in offspring), mister C. He is my husband, my friend, my provider, my sex god (think On the Bright Side, I'm Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God), father of my puppies, future father of my children, and all-around great guy (don't lie, I know some of you have climbed in his lap to share a few thoughts with him while drinking - I won't name any names . . .). This is a man I get angry with a lot. I start fights with him. I call him out on projects he doesn't finish, how he spends his time, where he spends his money, and whether or not he loves me and needs to trade me in for a breastier, functioning model. I am neurotic, mind you. After seven years together, almost four married, I adore this man. He gets a little creeped out when I sit there and just stare at him. For me, his face represents all kindness, strength, gentleness, and love to me and I just love to look at him. It's been a while now, and there is an ebb and flow to the adoration, but what surprises me is the passion. I'm either so very deep in love or so incredibly angry at the man, and rarely spend any time in the in between. We are just not mediocre.

All of these things I write about, experiences, procedures, feelings, are everything C has to deal with on a daily basis. He has to deal with me. He deserves a medal (some high school friends of mine have insinuated as much). He has held my hand and my head up through a failed pregnancy, miscarriage, D&C, charting, doctor's appointments with no answers, how many cycles of the magic white pills (which, if I have not mentioned, make me crazy and prone to hot flashes), and he's now provided his, uh, contribution (really, the best sounding word I have found so far) in a sterile container TWICE. More to come possibly. He tells me the truth and somehow he sees me in a different way than anyone else does. He still loves me and still holds my hand. We both realize that what we've been through could have created an unbridgeable valley between us. I'm not saying it has been easy - it hasn't. But I'm not sure how I would have survived any of this without him. He is my rock.

Before I went and blabbed on here about all these procedures we were doing, I made sure that C didn't feel emasculated. That he was okay with me sharing. I asked whether or not he wanted to keep the IUI secretive and he said that he didn't care so long as this procedure increased our chances for getting a baby. I've never wondered about whether C wanted children or if I was just talking him into them. He wants this just as badly as I do. He's much less selfish because I know he watches me crumble sometimes and that he wants this for me just as much as he wants it for himself. I think we know that we will be okay if we are not blessed with children; that it will change everything and we will have to make some really big decisions together. I do have to remind him how important all of this stuff is to me, but I know he's always in it with me. I am not alone.

I think I have mentioned before, and it bears repeating, that C was the catalyst in my life that completely changed my mind about having children. As soon as it became serious, all I was one-hundred percent sure that I wanted to have his babies. That is one of the difficult parts that has evolved. I now understand that any child could be our child and that family building is accomplished in so many different ways. I still really want to make babies with the man I love, but you see, I think we are strong enough that we could create a family any way we chose. My God, I love this man and I cannot believe that he's sticking it out just to be with me.