I Am . . . Applesauce

Waiting. And it is taking forever. Not like vampire forever, just an extended period of time longer than I am willing to wait forever.

Trying not to cry. Really I am. Just because you see tears streaming down my face DOES NOT mean that I am crying. I probably just thought of something sad. Like puppies.

Hungry and very unhungry. Which is particularly irritating at a restaurant where you order something (like a hamburger) and it arrives and you take one bite and it's like no way. So you content yourself with a curried chicken wrap and swear that you can taste the oil on your tator tots (and I like tator tots a lot!). Applesauce and water are good too. Onions are not. Mayonnaise is a definite maybe.

Pouring water down my throat and wondering why me and the bathroom are such close friends. I've drank more water in the last three days than the previous seven combined. Like 60 ounces a day versus 20 ounces. Good for me. Applesauce also has a lot of water in it. I kinda think I might be a vampire, what with the burning thirst.

Loving me some George Strait. And in need of some intense comfort, so I might be watching Pure Country later. Just so you know.

Completely over analyzing every twitch in my abdomen. It's what I do for fun on the weekends. When I'm not drinking water.

Practicing avoidance like it is being considered as an event in the next Olympics.

Very tired. One two-hour nap down, shall I take another? I'll wake up in less than two hours again due to the water intake.

Not super excited to read Tuesdays with Morrie again. It's for my Death & Dying class. I thought it was good and even important the first time, but WAY over-hyped. I am also concerned about what type of effect this class will have on me. I'm hoping for additional coping mechanisms, but you never know.

Very excited to PAINT in my Chinese arts class.

Wanting to spend some time in Washington State with a really cool 15yo and her horse.

Missing my people. A whole lot. I miss my sister now that I saw her than I did before. She has transformed in the last few years into such a sweet encouraging person. I need to figure out a way to be there more for her. I miss AM because I needed someone to bounce this all off of and she's not back forever. I miss AD because she is rational and I wish we could just hang out for a few days chatting. I miss miss M and miss J because I got to spend only two days with each and it was NOT enough (sorry about the whining). These two are girls that at different times in my life I saw everyday. I see no one I love everyday now except C, the love of my life. I miss him too. Just because he is out in the garage.

Not winning the war against crying.

Missing E and S and C. All those west of me.

Trying to plan for the least amount of disappointment. Such a benign word, yet disappointment effectively shreds my heart with glass shards. It is so hard for me to deal with and hope is what makes it worse, but denying hope leaves me with nothing. How do I walk the fine line?

Trying really hard to be quiet and still (as if this will help anything) and not hope too much.

Wondering why in the world I wrote this post. Then I know. To remember tomorrow. Whatever happens, life goes on. Whatever happens, I am okay. Whatever happens, this life is mine and I need to take charge of it, or perhaps, pass the care of it on to someone bigger. It is getting awfully heavy with all the worrying and blame that I carry with me. Do you think He wants any part of it? He probably wants all of it. I don't know if I am capable of giving it all to Him. But right now, in my emotional state, I know that I can't carry it all by myself. Will have to think on this.

Thirsty. Tired. Waiting.

Confused about what I talk to the doctor about tomorrow and very concerned about having to call another doctor to deal with another problem.

Not going to think about what I'm trying really hard not to think about truly and really.