Success is Limited

I hoped. It's really hard not to hope. It's like taking a bright happy photography and dipping it in inky dye so that everything is cast over. I can't live my life like that. I used to be the happy girl and after this past year, I refuse to let that happiness be taken away from me. It is practically a companion and I really can't survive the loneliness that comes if all happiness should leave. That doesn't make any of this easier.

I want a baby so very very much. I've checked myself over and over to make sure that I don't want a little human being just because I can't have one. That's not it. If there had been a speck of that in my heart, it would have been erased when we lost our first. Every month since then has brought the grief of not being the month that we get to celebrate a pregnancy. Being forced to face your inadequacies every single month isn't something I wish on anyone.

This month I hoped. The pills work and work well and I am again, so very grateful to live in a day where I have the option to use them and the possibility that they might work - and they do! It just didn't result in a pregnancy for us. So we can try again.

So you know, I did want to call all of you with good news. I can't wait to call you with good news. Right now, though, the pain doesn't even knock at the door of my heart - it just barges in, wreaks havoc, and throws the switch for the tears. Damn tears.