Hurdles

While on one hand I have gotten the feedback that I seem happier (and thanks for asking - more upbeat) and I have taken the step to cancel my therapy appointment for Wednesday because really, I'm doing quite well, there is something else. I mentioned that the pills have been known to cause pregnancy symptoms and that they are. So, what do you do when these "pregnancy" symptoms (or, more likely PMS) are (cough) visible to one very hopeful spouse? What I told him was that I can handle my own disappointment, but it's a lot more difficult to handle his. I have developed coping mechanisms (hell if I know what they are) to somehow not continue being watery jello. He said that he would not be disappointed in me. I know this. We haven't been real big on "her fault/his fault" in this process. But he will be hurt whenever I have to pass along the news of "no, not this time." That is me causing him pain. I've been taught to be polite. I've been taught to apologize for things that are not my fault. In doing so, I've learned to internalize blame that isn't centered on me. Example: C has an aunt and uncle that don't have kids/they are second parents to C and brothers = I not only lost my parents and his parents a grandbaby, I lost them one too.

Even if this (by some wonderful and strange miracle) results in pregnancy for us, that isn't it. I can visualize it as merely the first hurdle in a long string of hurdles. I did track in 8th grade and I did the hurdles. I placed in the one meet that there was an event of the 300 meter hurdles. I needed the extra distance to bring it all out of me. All I remember is enjoying the leap over each hurdle and the moment a foot hit the ground, running as fast as I could to the next one. Can't live life that way, but I definitely see the hurdles. For us, pregnancy does not equal baby. For us, I still believe in a happy ending, but not without hurdles. I just can't look into the future to count how many there will be.