I'm sure that everyone thinks I'm calm, cool, and collected and I very much am . . . not. I make serious efforts to not be jealous, bitter, or flippantly catty. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. All I can do at this point is to keep pushing forward and hoping for a miracle. And let me tell you what, the hope part is oh so painful when disappointed.
I used to freak out, even while engaged, that because I couldn't picture myself in the dress, with the guy, standing in front of the church to be married that it wasn't going to happen. It did and everything went as smoothly as can be expected. During that time I could actively plan the wedding though. I can't plan the rest of our lives. We don't know what will happen or when it will happen. I mentioned to the therapist that there was no way I would have thrown away any positive pregnancy tests had I of known how long it would be before I would see another one. What can I picture? If I squint really hard, I can see (in my imagination because real life is not so forthcoming) a positive pregnancy test. Even my imagination can't alleviate the fear this brings along with it. I can see hysterically telling C that we're in for another bumpy ride and I can see calling the dr's office and demanding a sonogram at the earliest time available. That's all. Telling friends and family is obviously absent, as is any picture of a live healthy baby. I am more than ready for a damn miracle, is anyone else?
1 comment:
Sweet friend. I love you. and I am always sad when you are sad. I wish I could give you a hug and a new dress. Not that it would make things better, but it is what I can do. So here is a promise of a fabulous new dress and a hug(the good kind :) when I see you next. XOXOXOX.
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