The job stuff is getting crazy. I let the supervisor know that I am seriously interested in the position this morning and she just called me back to let me know the ball is firmly in HR's court and that I should hear from them and they will be in charge of making me an offer and going over benefits and such. Yes, less money, but we can technically afford the pay cut because I won't be driving 50 miles round trip every day. See how that works out? C whipped out a calculator and figured up that I spend 13% of my paychecks on gasoline. Ughh. And we know that the drive seriously stresses me out. Those are his big PROS for this position. Besides that, this company has a lot of benefits that I can utilize AND I can transfer within the company after 18 months. The position I hold now has zero upward mobility and there is a definite ceiling on the pay scale. It may read like a lateral move, but I think that it's not what it seems.
Right after I called the supervisor lady, I received a call from the larger entity that governs that position. Thinking it was the supervisor, I answered and it was another department extending an interview to me for a different position. See, when I went online to apply again for the position I had previously applied for in February, there was a different position in the financial sector and since I had already filled out the online application, and I very much enjoy the financial part of things, I applied for that one too. I have an interview with them next Tuesday. Last time I applied for 5-6 jobs at this giant entity and only one called back and it was almost two months later - I filled out this application Sunday evening. Interesting. I did let her know that I was waiting on another job and if anything came of that, I would give her a call. I figure that I shouldn't limit my opportunities, right? Hope that all made sense.
It's all making me a little anxious and I'm considering taking tomorrow off and driving home for a relaxing weekend with the friends and family. I don't get to see too many people when C, me, and both dogs roll into town with the huge truck and trailer, so me and the Jeep might do some visiting. Anyone want to see me?
I started my new class last night and it's all about gangs. Only one male in the class and the rest seem to be teachers or sorostitues. Should be interesting and perhaps a little depressing. I started thinking on the way home about the questions that AD wrote me in an email about how much growing up has to do with actually changing. Or, rather than center my entire change around a miscarriage, what the result of that is. It's a cliche answer, but one that I've thought about and fully believe. When I was a child, adolescent, young adult, I'd never had something happen to me that was so outside of my control that it couldn't be fixed or forgotten. Everything that I thought would absolutely devastate me in that teenage way of thinking, didn't. I remember some of it and it may or may not of caused small issues or quirks here or there, but they weren't life changing, and I figure that's because they never got to my heart.
I now suffer from a damaged heart. This wonderful life contains a heart that beats away and pumps the blood, but it's damaged in a way that could possibly heal, but if so, will leave the deepest scars. I thought my heart was broken when the boy before C decided we weren't meant to be together, but it and I were not broken. I was hurt and my pride took a beating, but there was no more than surface bruising to my heart, which was healed as a friendship resumed and grew. Many of the other things that I might have said broke my heart really only screwed with my psyche in cruel ways. When I alienated a close friend, pieces of my heart began to chip off. But anger and rage walled up a defense around it so that the hurt couldn't penetrate as well. Thankfully, that was restored by her grace and understanding.
But this, this damaged my heart. There is some healing, but again, always a wicked scar. Not even a very good scar, as the wound is reopened at the most random things. I lost something I had expected to keep and I ran headfirst into grief that I have never felt before. This is why I am not the same. My heart is a little broken and at times I am still scrambling to keep it all together and intact. I didn't have to scramble before. I didn't have to inventory my feelings to aid the healing process. I didn't have to change the bandages on a wound that still seeps a little bit. Maybe this is a little more removed. I don't say that losing my baby changed everything, I say that it affected me in such a way as to change ME. What I carry around now, inside of me, is not the same heart that I used to love and forgive and celebrate with, it is changed and so am I.
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