Another Game Plan

I don't know what I was so nervous about. My first night back in school went really well. It was just like every other literature class I've taken with the grad students, only now, I'm the grad student. There was an ongoing discussion about gender roles, in which I found myself very convinced that having babies was part of being a woman. It sounds so backwards and black&white when said like that. Don't worry; I was rapidly bombarded with questions that made me see the error of my statement. I should clarify and in the class situation think a little more before I speak.

What I meant was that I think that the ability to have children is a part of what defines me as a woman. If you take that away from me, I will rant, rage, and be sad, because I thought I'd finally figured out what these breasts were for, perhaps even the purpose of bleeding and cramps. If you take that away from me, I will have to figure out another reason why I was born into this body and not an alternate one.

I wasn't necessarily a tomboy, but there were years when I didn't want to be a girl. In fifth grade at age 10, my new school clothes were Macgregor separates - tee shirts and baggy shorts. My shoes were black basketball high-tops, followed by green and navy suede Nike high-tops. I wore my suede bomber jacket everywhere that year. I couldn't or didn't style my hair and when I had my hair cut back up to my shoulders, I had the stylist leave a rat tail down my back (thankfully there are only two pictures I can think of). I played the snare drum and carried the heavy case up and down the stairs and took it home on the school bus. All I wanted for Christmas was a skateboard. I don't think I wanted to be a boy, but I didn't really want to be a girl either. Reentry into girl's world in seventh grade was rough, and really awkward. Quite honestly, I'm still a little awkward.

In high school, I shouted from the rooftops that I was not going to have children. No way; no how. I would consider adoption. My theory: why bring more innocent lives into this world when so many children need loving families? I'm not sure why I was so against having babies. Everyone knew that I was the girl that didn't want babies. I've had to answer to that since everything. One of my sweet friends that I just reconnected with asked - I thought you never wanted kids? My answer - I didn't want children, now I want to have C's children. The boy changed my mind in a few short months, not by saying anything or doing anything, but solely by being THE BOY. And that changed everything.

It didn't change the outside all that much; it mostly changed how I saw myself and what I wanted. I've gone through times when I have long hair and dress more feminine and then back to short hair, long shorts, and baseball caps. I've been called sir a few times. I thought I finally understood. I get to be the girl and C is the boy. Those are our roles. He's smelly and I'm not so smelly. He brings the sperm to the table and I get to be pregnant. I have the baby and he dotes on the family that he chose and created. Simple. Easy. If it doesn't happen like that, I need another game plan. The original was a waste of money.