And So It Has Changed

I have a lot less faith in doctors. I want to believe that they know exactly what they're doing and that they can mend bones, stop bleeding, perform miracles, and stave off the greedy hand of death. Sometimes they can, but more often they have no idea, much less any of the answers, and I wish they would admit that every once in a while. They definitely don't know how to prevent miscarriages, but boy, do they enjoy handing out antibiotics and painkillers and birth control and antidepressants. What is a doctor without their prescription pad in their hand? There have been a few that have been kind and taken good care of me, but too often they come on the heels of the incompetent ones. Current GP gets point 1 for not prescribing pharmaceuticals, point 2 for recommending a vitamin/supplement regimen, point 3 for actually listening to me, point 4 for her theory+corresponding lab work+being absolutely correct about a severe vitamin D deficiency, point 5 for not rolling her eyes when I mentioned issues with getting pregnant.

I'm apt to cry at anything. I've never walked around with my heart on my sleeve. I hate crying. It hurts my eyes and my nose and gives me a headache. Punching seems like a better expression of pain and hurt. But now, and I blame this on whatever hormones there are, I will cry. At the sappy commercial, when the beloved soldier dies in the movie, the starved dog that their trying to save on the Animal Network, mothers and children, pregnant women, when you say something hurtful, when you say something nice - doesn't matter because the Tear Army is perpetually camped out behind my eyes. I've told them to retreat many times, but no, they think there is a goal to be accomplished by crying. Like salty water drops dripping down my nose will cure world hunger. I hate it. It makes me look and feel weak and I've lost any sort of control.

I can't look at pregnant women or newborns. Or, you know, I can and I stare and speculate. How far along she is, why she shouldn't wear that maternity top, or how old the baby is. This is different because I used to work for a group of obgyns and pregnant women and newborns were always in my peripheral view. Now, I stare or I avoid and I wonder. Either way, it's uncomfortable.

Blood signals the end, and a very hopeless feeling. That should be pretty self-explanatory.

I'm even more empathetic towards women. I always was very sensitive to their feelings and issues, but more as an outsider. Now I understand part of it a little better. Always running through the back of my mind when encountering any woman is that I have no idea where she's been or what she's gone through. That way, if for some awful reason her experiences are worse than I can imagine, I will have still treated her with the caring and compassion that she deserved.

And that's where we're at today.