A Day Before

Bigger than 100 is 99, if only because what comes before has to be in place immediately preceding an achievement so that it is just that: an achievement.

Twenty-four years ago today, my mom was hugely pregnant. She was beautiful - I've seen pictures. My dad was out all that day in the 100+ degree weather (a stark contrast to the dreary rain and low 80s of today) mowing the lawns of his rental properties. They were waiting for me to announce my arrival because I was late. The story goes that they went to bed late that night and right after my dad fell asleep, Mom's water broke. Off to the hospital. The next day, around 10:02am, I was born. For some reason, the 28th has always jumped out at me as the day that mattered. Everything must have been so different from the 28th to the 29th. When Mom went from being pregnant to being a mom to a real live baby. Dad became a dad and because I am here, they both got to hear a little voice call them Mommy and Daddy. I think of the phone calls they made around noon on the 29th to tell everyone "She's here! A healthy baby girl!" I have never once in my life doubted that I was [am] wanted and loved. That is something I can pass onto my children.

I was trying to think of my saying in high school. I had a few, but couldn't remember until sister B reminded me of one: Bruises Fade. Needless to say, cheerleading got brutal at times and I did not tolerate sissies. If you were one of my cheerleaders, you were going to throw yourself into whatever we were doing until you physically couldn't get up. Because bruises fade. Sister B said that one remained after I'd graduated and she was cheering. Not the saying I was thinking of. Then it hit me, I was really big about No Regrets. I would think about the ramifications and consequences for each decision and choose what I thought I wouldn't regret. What I remember are those crystal clear moments before everything is decided. They weren't fraught with the unknown or unseen, they were suspended in a way that made very real the decision I was about to make. No Regrets.

What No Regrets doesn't account for are the things that happen to us without our choice in the matter. From where I stand on this hill far removed, I don't regret having a miscarriage. I can't really conceptualize "regretting" it because it wasn't a choice I made. I wish it did not happen. But I remember waking up at 6am on a Saturday morning and knowing that everything was going to change. Not in the way that everything changed for my parents upon my arrival, but in a similar way there was a hospital to get to and calls to make. Everything else is No Regrets.