Evident Purpose to Numb

I agree with M, that I am probably numb. I feel like a zombie today, but I edited and formatted the newsletter (that gets sent out to over 300 facilities). It's been a difficult one. I also used my lunch break to pick up a present for the boss. I enjoy giving books; she likes Harry Potter, so I thought she'd also like the His Dark Materials trilogy by Phillip Pullman. It was well-written and thought provoking, especially for a young adult trilogy.

I've been living my life trying to walk the delicate line between forgetting and remembering; feeling guilty for being tugged too far in either direction. I don't forget and still think that I'm pregnant, I forget what happened and being pregnant altogether and when I think of it, it seems like a fuzzy dream that went on too long. A good dream that I stayed in too long and it turned sour. I feel very small and somewhat purposeless. When I was pregnant, there was a purpose for everything: drinking water to hydrate the baby, eating healthy for the baby, resting for the baby. It was me taking care of my body and self so that another human being would be taken care of and nourished and I took this responsibility very seriously. That was one of the reasons that I couldn't blame myself for what happened and go down the dark path of wondering "what if I'd . . . " I know that I did everything right, or at least that I didn't do anything to cause a miscarriage. My wonderful FIL encouraged me to keep up with the healthy changes I've made and I haven't as much as I should. I feel as if I am less important without something to nourish and care for. I really didn't think I'd enjoy being pregnant so much, but I did and I'm sure I will again.

My in-laws are coming to stay tomorrow night and I'm really looking forward to their visit. If I got lucky with the husband, then I am truly blessed with in-laws. I know that they love me and cherish me and that they support me and C in all that we do. Most couples aren't as lucky. Saturday night, C's brother J flies in and we get an evening with him. From a family of me and my sister, I inherited two brothers from C's family. Boys are so weird. I'm hoping for girls - all three of them. Maybe one boy. Maybe.