This is Going to Be Cruel

For you.

First, a story. Last week at the MS Walk with the former coworker stroller brigade, I was able to spend some time with S, former coworker, current PT, friend, and fellow women's health advocate. Her daughter is about 18 months old and has the same nickname as little E, our dear friends' son. I was crouched down chatting with little E #2 and she reached up and pointed/grabbed at me. I couldn't figure out what she was going for, but S told me she was reaching for my earrings. Which is funny, because as you know, I have gauged out ears. No way was I wearing huge dangling earrings to a MS Walk. So, she was reaching for these super thin bright purple/fuchsia silicone tunnels I was wearing. They make my ear holes look like they have a kool-aid smile. So cute. That's what I have.

Back to the cruelty. Most of the people I speak in depth with about my infertility and the psychology, fears, and attitude I have regarding such, don't get it. There are varying levels of don't-get-it-ness, but most really don't get it. During a period of time years ago, I blamed them. I don't blame them anymore and haven't for quite some time. I am, however, always surprised about the aspect of my infertility that really depresses them. This aspect is that I have relinquished hope. I claim to not have any. Which is mostly true.

In complete honesty, I still have a rotating 2-8% of hope residing in my coked out heart (I don't judge what she does to keep pumping blood because I am just grateful she does). So that is basically no hope. I do not have the ability to put on the happy face, the joyful attitude, or the glass half full analogy. I am, as my dad is, a realist. Not a pessimist as I always accused him; a realist. One who know the odds, the statistics, and the barriers.

This "hopelessness" is the only thing that can get these sally sunshines' faces to fall. I don't bring it up to be mean, just to introduce the realism. They act shocked and want an explanation. I have two sort-of answers that usually are okay with them. The first is that I have dealt with so many (read: so many) disappointments in this arena that I cannot and will not open my heart to more. Each month is a disappointment. Each unsuccessful "try" further breaks my heart. Whereas, if I relinquish the majority of my hope, these instances really don't hurt as much. I mean, I wasn't going to get pregnant this cycle anyway, so how can I be disappointed? The second caveat I make to close or dear friends is the basket that AM taught me about. I am of the impression that it is a southern thing. What it means is that I do not carry hope around in my basket. I carry other things in my basket, things that will fall and possibly break, if I were to drop my basket. But I do not carry hope. The more literal translation of this, for me, is that I do not pray for a baby. God and I are getting along much better these days, but I have never prayed for a baby. I pray for patience; I pray for compassion, understanding, wisdom. God is wise and he knows how this ends. He will give and lead and bless accordingly. Which is an oversimplification of a very deep complicated theological matter. My offer to these friends is simple: if you would like to carry hope for me, in your basket, you may. If that is a responsibility that you would like to take on, please do - I have no issue with that. You pray for my future children to find their way to me. The drawback to this is that you are much more likely to feel the pain and disappointment that I was referring to above. Because you have placed hope for me in your basket. Be forewarned.

Which leads me to today's cruelty for you.

I was expecting something late last week, yesterday, today at the latest. I find that when I am not in a medicated cycle that the healthiest thing to do is to completely ignore my reproductive cycle. I try to still note my periods because they always ask you at the doctor office and I need to know if my cycles are more off, but I've even had to go back and research a few of those. With the new iPhone (yea!) I definitely wanted an app that would track my cycles and be able to retain some additional information when we returned to treatments.

Last night, I was inputting data and looked up my LMP in my planner. That was strange, it wasn't the week I thought it was. It was a week earlier. Crap. That means that I am late. Crap.

For most women, this would indicate a very real possibility of pregnancy. For me, it means that teaching was stressful enough to impact my cycle. Here's where the two faced monster arrives.

Monster Face One: you're late late late - not a little late, a LOT late - you have to be pregnant!
Monster Face Two: whatever, you can't get pregnant - anyway, remember that completely distressing 49 day cycle you had before you were ever pregnant or diagnosed with infertility? MFOne: you are almost two weeks late and you have been so tired! MFTwo: two weeks or barely ten days? And hello, you are taking a muscle relaxer every night that completely zonks you AND you have not been keeping up with your vitamin D supplements as well as you should, which is an additional reason for fatigue. MFOne: you've been smelling all sorts of things lately and your boobs are sore - you are pregnant! MFTwo: um, you finally got over that cold and probably forgot what things smell like (and you were totally-mostly okay with the cigarette smoke last night) and your boobs are always sore before your period. MFOne: fine, they are still sore and huge! MFTwo: they are ALWAYS like that before your period AND didn't you take four ovulation predictor kits this morning that were all negative (OPKs can detect pregnancy, so I hear)? MFOne: no! Two were way expired and didn't work, the third just didn't work, and the one that did work - you did not do it right and you know that! MFTwo: whatever. You only took them to see if you should expect blood. You're not pregnant. How stupid are you going to feel buying pregnancy tests? MFOne: not stupid when they turn positive and this nightmare is OVER! Just go buy them and test! MFTwo: why? So you can feel like shit when they are lily white like all the others? You are making this a big deal in your head for no reason: you are not pregnant! MFOne: you don't know that for sure! Are you in such denial that you won't go buy pregnancy tests and take one if it could mean saving your pregnancy? MFTwo: wait, what the hell are you talking about? MFOne: you just mentioned that you might have a progesterone problem - so what if you do and you lose the pregnancy because you wouldn't find out if you were pregnant (when you could have) and then started progesterone supplements and saved the pregnancy? MFTwo: you are off your rocker. How about "what is meant to be will be?" MFOne: fine, then shut your big stupid mouth about being proactive about anything. You are so afraid of a negative that you won't even help yourself. MFTwo: here's what I know: you are not pregnant, you have no symptoms, you were so stressed out by teaching that your cycle is completely out of whack. End of story. Face it and wait for the bleeding to commence. MFOne: you are such a cynic and can't face something even when it is staring you in the face! You are almost TWO WEEKS late with no sign of a period in sight. You have symptoms that could really not be symptoms at all, or they could. And if, debbie downer, you are pregnant, by finding out you could call the RE tomorrow morning first thing and get both a quantitative HCG and progesterone test run ASAP and get supplements if necessary. MFTwo: Monster Face One is the most depressing being I've had to listen to today. Please shut her up, or I will.

See what I have to deal with? And you know that I side with MFTwo, right? But if all of you siding with MFOne want to be depressed, go right on ahead. I won't stop you. You are carrying around hope in YOUR basket. I have not and will not let her back into mine because I know what the disappointment is like. If you want to try your hand at some empathy, have at it.



**Update: while Monster Face One's illogical reasoning won out and I did, in fact, drive to the store and purchase four $1 pregnancy tests, Monster Face Two remains the winner of my loyalty and heartfelt admiration. Monster Face Two tells it like it is: lily white EVERY SINGLE TIME. Except for that one time. But that has been rehashed many times before on this blog. And anyway, it was before the Monster Faces showed up in all of their glory and realistic animation.**