It is Happening

I'll get it out of the way right up front: three pregnancy announcements between Saturday evening and Tuesday evening are a lot for me to handle. There was the first one about two weeks ago, so the total is actually four announcements. It is a lot of smiles and congrats and I'm-so-happy-for-yous.

Each pregnancy is one that I am genuinely happy about. The parents are somewhere between excited and anxious, but really much more excited. One friend had warned me that they were "trying" about six months ago, another didn't realize that birth control is rendered ineffective with the introduction of antibiotics, we are attending the wedding of the next couple in May and I hope she still fits into her dress, and lastly, my dear PT, who really wanted this second baby to come along quickly. There you go. All aspects of my life will now be taken over by pregnancy talk. Good thing that I know the language because one of them has already called me about morning sickness. Or a sinus infection. Or altitude sickness - we aren't really sure. Another had bleeding and we all know that talk like that terrifies me. But she laughed because everything is okay. The friend with the antibiotic mix up isn't sure about becoming a dad, but he will be amazing. And only children are a different breed, so two's company for her and I'm glad she didn't have to worry any more than this.

Others that I choose not to share the battle with have been sitting around theorizing about why I don't have children. The first question is: how long have you been married? Five years. Okay, don't you want to have kids? Yes. How long are you going to wait? I can't answer that. Well, we can see that you might want to get your career established first . . . Receptionist and night-time teacher are careers? Really now.

I'm really not feeling well today. Some sort of sick/body ache/lack of sleep thing. And I've been grading papers nonstop since Sunday night. I have to teach tomorrow night in this funk. I haven't even read the chapter that I'm teaching yet. Call me over prepared.

I understand wanting a child. I understand the joy of pregnancy. I understand the heartbreak of loss. I understand the pain that comes with not knowing. So the question is, do you understand what my life is like trying trying trying and getting nowhere? I understand that there is a plan. I understand that this experience has possibly made me a better person. Do you understand that it has also chipped away at my heart? Do you see the joy and sadness behind my eyes as I play with your children? Do you understand that I cried at the news that you were pregnant, not out of jealousy or anger at God, but because you won't have to experience this painful wondering and longing that I hold inside? I understand that this is my cross to bear. I understand that somehow it will make me a stronger person. I don't understand why me. I don't understand how causing pain to my husband, family, and friends is going to turn into a positive. I don't know how my heart can hurt so much and not break. I don't understand where the strength I do have comes from. I don't understand how I can smile with tears rolling down my face.