Lidocaine and Tornadoes

I am so glad that last cycle is behind us. So very, very glad. There are many other things to focus on.

I've got my first bladder therapy appointment tomorrow (Monday). I'm supposed to arrive with a full bladder and I think they are going to put a cocktail of medication in my bladder through a catheter. Sounds like fun times. Through my reading it seems like this approach has really high success rates; success being the elimination/management/control/prevention of further pain. One of the three parts of the medicinal cocktail is usually lidocaine, so there is also an immediate sensation of no more pain. After tomorrow, I have also done lidocaine about every way I can think of: topically (severe sunburn), orally (multiple mouth ulcers created by an unknown allergy), and now, uh, in the bladder (urinarily?). If there is any other use or place they put lidocaine, I don't want to know about it. Really.

Tuesday is my first physical therapy appointment. There is an abundance of irony with that. I have proclaimed the physical/occupational therapists I worked for the best - and I meant it - they are the best. I've told almost every woman I know about the Women's Health therapists and their program that can help women with all sorts of issues: pain in pregnancy, stress/urinary incontinence, pelvic floor issues, etc. And now? I am one of those who is to be helped. I made the choice to see S-PT because I do think she is the best. I've heard her patients tell of their successes and I know that S-PT always seeks to improve her skill and learn more. You all know how much I like that attitude. Yes, it might be a little strange to have S-PT, who I consider a friend also, working on those areas of me. But really, there isn't a doctor in the area who hasn't seen all of that business anyway. And I've come to terms with the fact that what all of these doctors and S-PT do all day is look at vaginas. Mine can't be any stranger or more normal than anyone else's. In all of the exams, someone would have mentioned it by now. Oh, and S-PT? Like I said, she's the best. She thinks she can help me. And I know that she cares about me outside of all of my pelvic floor issues - which means that she's already invested in seeing me get better.

As for everything else, it is swirling around me like a tornado. All of these issues, doctor appointments, everyone else's good and bad news, all these things I am supposed to remember or feel a specific way about, and these classes (and classwork) I'm attending to get the chance to teach - all of these things are spinning around my head. I don't/can't focus on any one thing for very long before the centrifugal force pulls it back into the center. I know that there are things that bother me in the twister. Some that make me happy. Some that I am undoubtedly going to completely forget. Part of this feeling is due to the lack of energy/fatigue I've felt come on me in the past two weeks. Thankfully, I think I recognize it from last year as a vitamin D deficiency. It was so bad at this time last year that the SUPER vitamins they prescribed actually felt like speed - that was the difference in my energy level when the deficiency was treated. Tuesday, I also go in and get those levels checked. Otherwise, I could be experiencing some mild depression. Which doesn't mean that I'm not happy for you and even for me in some instances, it might just mean that personally, mentally, and physically, I have quite a bit on my plate and perhaps I am still working through a lot of it. The number one thing that keeps it all in perspective? The you out there that read this, the you out there that care so very much about me, and the you out there that love me for various reasons. I am so very aware that I am loved and cared for by you. That is what makes me smile, pick out a cute outfit (had to throw something shallow in), see the colors, sing along with a pop song, write a blog post or note, smile, and know that it will all be okay. And if it isn't, I know who to turn to. It really is that simple for me right now. Your joys are my joys, your support and encouragement and prayers are my love, and you are enough. My only concern is if, when I am a little bit like this, I am enough of a friend, support, encouragement to you. I think it will probably all even out one day.

Thank you.