Anxious Clarity

I haven’t been incredibly clear in recent posts because of all of the craziness. I still haven’t quite wrapped my mind around the follicle response last week. It doesn’t make any sense to us and it didn’t make any sense to the doctor or nurse. That situation is what it is.

What I am now worrying about is: everything. First of multiple concerns: what in the world did we do? Am I going to end up pregnant with six babies? There would be so many decisions to make and we would have to be very strong in those decisions. Life would change almost immediately. Second concern: what if we don’t get pregnant? This was the ideal cycle with lots of eggs and lots of sperm all at the right place at the right time. If we aren’t even a little bit pregnant, it will signal to me that something more is wrong with the process. It will also have us looking at IVF and adoption a little more seriously. Third concern (and I hope I am not whining): I do not feel well right now. It can’t possibly be related to anything other than a dormant sinus infection or fallout from the magic white pills. I am tired and my stomach really hurts. I’m battling with food – not interested in eating and never hungry, but I force myself to eat and then immediately regret eating. Crazy cycle. I’m having random abdominal discomfort and today, I am so bloated that I didn’t even want to risk wearing pants, so I have leggings and a sweater dress on and I swear, if you look closely, you can see a distended belly. While I am sort of concerned that someone might notice and comment (my snarky retort: this is what fertility drugs will do to you), my real issue is the discomfort that comes with that much bloating and distension. Again, crazy, because by tonight, my stomach might be flat and firm again; this is how it goes. I’m a little bit tired, but this comes from all the worrying and anxiety (about this cycle, the possible litter, C, Bella’s surgery today, my really uncomfortable belly).

For all of that, there is only a week of waiting left for us. I have been *relatively* calm. I’ll just sleep through the next week and wear sweatpants. I’ll keep hoping that somehow, against or with the odds, we are pregnant with just one or two. The plan beyond this is a big long break from medical treatment. We will probably try vitamins, essential oils, FertilAid (his and hers), acupuncture, some dietary changes, and realigning the chi. You know, the non-traditional stuff for trying to conceive. This break will last at least until next January/February (I think) when we can regroup and figure out how we plan to build our family: what we are willing to put ourselves and our resources through. I like that there is a long time to talk through different options and what each will take physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. We also have an appointment with our RE in about three weeks that C is going to attend with me. We are going to discuss what happened this last cycle and what we should plan for in the future. I’m hoping it will be both informational and educational and I am so glad that C is going so that he can hear a DR say all these things that I’ve tried to explain to him.

So, I have a lot of things on my plate and then nothing all at once. I’m not sure if this post is counterproductive or not, because I think that being quiet is the best for me. Who knows what will happen, and I would like to think that we have planned adequately for any of the above scenarios. The one that I will place my faith in is that this cycle will not work and we will have to thoroughly discuss other options to build our family. I think I know how to handle that scenario and hoping for one of the others is far too disappointing. I’m not pessimistic, just realistic and somewhere in the back of my mind hoping for a miracle of sorts.

Randoms (because it is what A Doll and I just do sometimes):

I wonder why our small town Sonic does not have a drive-thru.

I am grateful for a mom who specifically reads about ART and makes my dad read the paragraph about how it feels to be on clomid – the hopes and disappointments of each individual cycle. She recently gave me very good advice about high order multiples that was incredibly well thought out and genuine.

If you cry with glasses on, it is much more difficult for anyone to tell.

I am grateful for C’s mom and her best friend, who constantly offer encouragement. The best friend told C’s mom that I was someone special after she met me for the first time. When we announced our engagement, she whispered in my ear “I knew you were the right one for him.”

I am grateful for the medication that increased our odds, and I will be grateful to leave it far far behind me. Perhaps my body and my temperature and my hormones will go back to normal in a few months.