Not sure what to say about the last two weeks or to those that follow this journey. The last two weeks have been very stressful in a moneymoneymoney way. I think what kicked it all off was when I arrived home and C asked me if I wanted the good news or the bad news. I'm a bad news first type of girl, and perhaps that is why I still don't remember what the good news was. Bad news was that the washing machine had died, really and truly. It was secondhand anyway three years ago when we acquired it and C had repaired it and replaced the belt no less than twenty times. Our washing load was too much for it. So we went to Lowe's, Home Depot, and eventually Nebraska Furniture Mart. Priced washers. Tried to figure out the best deal and model for our lifestyle. Maybe now is the time to mention that practically everything we own is secondhand. I married a plumber-mechanic-electrician-jackofalltrades. This works for us. Then we bought the bullet and bought a brand new washer/dryer Whirlpool combo. Front loaders and super efficient, so they say. Now we have to pay for it, stressor number one.
The situation before the washer and dryer was already bleak in the extra-money-every-month-for-treatments ballgame. Now, it's improbable. At least for a few months, stressor number two. I'm graduating with my master's degree this month, which means that student loans (for both B.A. and M.A.) come due in June, stressor number three. Same night that the washer broke, I looked at our bank account online and saw that a certain retail store that I had ordered about $100 worth of clothing from had debited our account seven times. Eight hundred dollars is not what I was expecting when I ordered $100 worth of clothing. Phone calls were made, promises, and everything was fixed two days later (two days too late, in my opinion), stressor number four. The university I am receiving my master's from just sent me a letter that I owe them $1500. Really? So again, I called. It isn't fixed yet, and I'm still a little stressed due to the fact that my graduation hinges on the holds on my account being removed, but in combing through my account, there is $2000 unaccounted for. I have no idea why it was debited from my account, especially when I can line up each and every other charge and credit. They take the days around Thanksgiving off, so this will be fixed soon, stressor number five.
With graduation comes a final portfolio and presentation. I sent off an email asking more detailed questions about what is required because all of the guidelines given are incredibly hazy. This all happens next week. In the meantime, I have to complete my final project for photography by Thursday. When does this all go away?
While everything is fine and well afforded, none of these leave stressors are helping my outlook. I think that I have come to terms with no treatments for a few months, but I can't help wondering when they will resume. So many people have sweetly commented that I could just get pregnant, naturally, right? There is nothing officially hindering that, besides spotty ovulation and some recent male factor issues, and yes, conception has happened once before (two years ago, for those keeping track). There is a chance, a very tiny chance, one that would have to one-up all the medications and treatments that have been tried and failed the past two years. So, regarding all of that information, without treatments, conceptions seems very unlikely. Treatments give me a small amount of hope, so for a few months, that is what I am losing. When we are actively involved in treatments and procedures, it becomes much easier to be nice and empathetic to those in the midst of pregnancies or with newly hatched babies. In the time periods when hope is at it's lowest, it becomes more difficult. I'm not sure that makes any sense, but it does make this time for me a little more sensitive and possibly defensive.
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