Speculations on a Possible Overreaction and Changes, Always Changes

Something hit the fan. Or cracked. Or imploded. I don't know what happened. But I'm left teary (blaming it on the hormones, as usual) and unsure of what is going on, or what is to come. Really, I have done too much talking about my miscarriage lately. That is very much my fault and I need to file it away again as something that was painful and happened, but as history too. Why do I keep talking about it then? Because I hold it close to my heart as my only experience with pregnancy. That it happened is proof that I was pregnant and could get pregnant. I really need to stop talking about it so much, and I will, probably, after this.

Given the abbreviated version of events in our fertility (or lack thereof), a friend asked if the infection that I experienced after my d&c could have hurt/messed up/impeded anything fertility wise. You know, I'm wondering if she was thinking (in a big picture way that I have obviously missed) that a year and a half is a long time. I had never considered that an infection could do additional damage. I brought this up with C. He thought that in addition to the IV antibiotics that they gave me as I was coming out of surgery, they gave me a prescription for oral antibiotics. They didn't, just a prescription for painkillers that I had about emptied between the Sunday I was released from the hospital to the Friday I had my post-op appointment (with a different doctor in a different town than the hospital). So, we know that a prescription was not written for antibiotics, which the post-op doctor said was dumb, especially since I had an obvious infection down there somewhere (obvious to her, not to me). She gave me a prescription for antibiotics and told me to call her on Saturday (the next day) if I was still in pain. This scenario made C yell. He didn't realize the hospital hadn't given me a prescription for antibiotics.

I did a very small amount of research and it seems that it is pretty standard to prescribe both painkillers and antibiotics after a d&c, but that it is completely up to the doctor. I can't remember if I knew something was wrong or I just thought I was supposed to be in that much pain. Big question: is there any way that the infection damaged something that could cause this process to be so difficult? If so, C is pissed. Like I said, I am unsure. And, unfortunately, still disappointed in my body and completely internalizing fault and blame. Because that is what I do.

The good news is that these are questions for a new doctor. I hear she is wonderful and has ideas on birthing similar to mine, which will be useful should we get to that point. I want to meet her, set forth (briefly, if I am able) what has been going on and ask if she can help us. If she says no, then I will make an appointment with the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) and he will help us get pregnant, but I will return to the female doctor upon learning of any pregnancy. My requests are simple: I want a medical professional that thinks it is paramount to get us pregnant, I want a doctor that thinks my worries (be they getting pregnant or freaking out during a pregnancy) are not crazy or neurotic, and most importantly, I want someone that will help (me, us, any future creations). I need someone better than my current doctor, someone more proactive, someone that cares. I want assurance that we will find an answer to this complex infertility riddle, or that we will keep looking or trying different things, or given an option. Specifically, I want a sonogram to check all the goods out, then I want a scope if the sonogram revealed anything unusual. Then I want to know why we are still not pregnant if I ovulate and C's contribution is fine. I want someone to tell me that it is ridiculous to have a doctor that drags her feet for a year and a half. I really want that glimpse into the future to see what will be.

This was what hit the fan. Up to the moment that the blades of the fan tore it all up, this was an amazing weekend full of friends. Then, that thing with the fan. And I'm done.