The Creepiness of Dream Reality and Infertility Hurts

I've been having incredibly realistic and detailed dreams for the past three nights. No idea why and I wish they would stop. Most recently, I dreamed that my sister was pregnant (visibly), hadn't told me and when confronted, told me she was maybe eight to thirteen weeks along. She was also hanging out with a bunch of my friends that have babies and small children. In this dream, I flew into a rage and started spewing venom of the like that I thought I had conquered after the whole AM thing. It was awful. I have no desire to ever say those things to my sister or anyone and I'm quite disappointed that this was my unconscious reaction to something that should be wonderful and joyous. What makes this so much more disturbing was the people, places, and words I could identify. I could tell you what color sister B was wearing even and the name of the two restaurants, etc. Yuck. I'm left feeling guilty about something I have no control over.

The dream three nights ago was equally vivid and I did remember it, but can't recall it now. Two nights ago, I had a dream that I gave birth in my parent's basement. After waking up, I could tell you who caught the baby and exactly who was in the room, but I can't now. I do remember the man who caught the baby held her up and told us that she was a girl; we named her Elizabeth. After that, the dream deteriorated because I became a negligent mom, just leaving the baby on the floor because I was so excited that I had a baby and had to go out and tell everyone. I know that my mom and mil lectured me about taking care of my baby. I was still so happy when I woke up because I remember the guy holding up a screaming, red, very much healthy and alive baby girl.

Anyway, I had my ritual blood draw yesterday. Soon they will call me and tell me that I ovulated, that the magic white pills worked, and I won't care. Because in about a week, I will find out that we aren't pregnant, and the workings of some tiny pills really won't matter. I'm not being pessimistic, just matter-of-fact. As if I haven't been stressed out enough about school in the last two weeks (and it's over for a week!), I have been going back and forth about doctors. I still don't like mine at all, but there are small issues with the one that I want to meet: she is being reviewed by the medical center that she delivers at, serious enough to have hospital privileges suspended (she has them back now). I'm not sure what to do about that. I'm considering just ignoring the what-ifs I get pregnant, since that is not forthcoming, and focus on getting us pregnant. Which would mean jumping to the RE's office and see what he can do for us. My general practitioner, I recently found out, does obstetrics and has delivery privileges at the medical center. I like her a lot, so she is an option. Guess I need to keep in mind that we need to get there first, before I worry about deliveries and prenatal care, huh? That's what a sane person would do.

To make this a super long post, who wants to read my final paragraph from the project about infertility that I just finished? Everyone? You guys are too sweet - here you go:

From the studies the researchers conducted, the personal bias I could perceive was that most people, when afflicted with anything, tend to assume that their pain is worse than what anyone else has ever experienced. This is categorically untrue, but we think this anyway. I am tempted to say that some of the findings of the study could be a result of this, but my doubt comes from the idea that many couple experiencing infertility are relatively quiet about it. Therefore, it seems like they would be less likely to endorse the extent of the pain that they are in due to infertility. My personal bias towards this research is that the first article is nearly irrelevant. That researchers found no significant increase in psychological strain or suffering due to the infertility interviewed couples experienced is absurd. I believe the second article that found infertile men demonstrating increased stress, anxiety, and marital discord and I believe that the coping mechanisms infertile women employ can alter their attitudes, but I find it hard to believe that couples experiencing infertility are perfectly fine and content with life. Few problems cannot be fixed with a better job, more money, a higher education, surgery, but infertility, while sometimes “solvable,” is the realm of the unknown. While experiencing it, couples often have no idea what is wrong, what they should try to fix, or if there is anything to fix, until they receive a diagnosis, if they ever receive a diagnosis. Some diagnoses leave room to try new or different treatments and technology and some leave no room for hope. However, this is an aspect of the human body (both male and female) that doctors and scientists do not fully understand. They often cannot explain why a couple is unable to get pregnant for years. They often cannot explain what is different between that couple and one who has experienced infertility, tried all applicable treatments numerous times, and ends up pregnant without assistance after giving up hope. Infertility is representative of the unknown, and often, humanity fears the unknown and therein lies psychological repercussions. What I say, these articles repeat, and their research backs up, is that infertility can be damaging and that it hurts.

Currently, the real question is if I should eat the homemade lasagna for breakfast. I'm leaning towards YES.