Puppy Dreams and Church Questioning

I think the hormones have calmed down. It's safe to come out of hiding.

I had a dream two nights ago that really bothered me and since I have told everybody about it, I should tell you too. It also bears noticing that I've been having these vivid, realistic dreams for about ten nights running, which has severely cut down on quality sleep. I dreamt that I had abdominal pain and C and I rushed to the hospital, where I labored and gave birth to . . . a puppy. It looked like a combination of my big yellow dog when she's all shaved, with my old fuzzy dachshund's head = creepy. I remember feeling so sad that we would have to try again to have a real baby. That wasn't even the most disturbing part of the dream, because I apparently went around to nurses and friends and family asking the same question: does this normally happen? That a person goes into the hospital and gives birth to a puppy? What kills me is that every single person I spoke with (in my dream) said the same thing: sometimes this happens. NO IT DOESN'T! PEOPLE DON'T GIVE BIRTH TO PUPPIES! IT never HAPPENS! Laugh, it's okay. The husband and the friends definitely laughed. Psych majors can discuss among themselves how this dream represents my feelings on the lack of control over the pregnancy situation and maybe a slight feeling that I'm either not getting the right answers or I feel that I'm not being taken seriously. I'm not for sure.

Went to a Dr appt on Thursday and my doctor is working her way back into my heart. I apparently do not get kicked out of her practice after three rounds of pills (like a nurse told me); she said we'd do another after this cycle (#3) and then we'd try something else. I'm not sure what, but that very comment gave me confidence. This week C is getting checked and we should have the results of that within two or three days. This way, the next time around, we can be sure that everything is in working order. I am, thankfully, not having the same, misleading symptoms as last month, so I feel no need to over analyze what could be. I figure that I'll eventually get smacked upside the uterus by the Irony Fairy (I apparently deeply offended the Fertility Fairy) and have triplets.

I love that the weekend is here! I'm going to try my best to clean and organize the house. With the weather in this state (ever changing) it's not quite safe to pack away sweaters yet. In a different vein, the church has got it out for me. Let me back up. I was raised in the church and ended up going to a Christian school (which probably ruined me). I know Bible stories, the way to heaven, and quite a few Christian song lyrics. None of these things make you a Christian. I know this. I've been really good my entire life at pretending Christianity. I keep thinking that I want to raise children in the church because it provides a moral compass (in addition to what parents provide) and a community. When I was no longer pregnant, I became very very angry with God. Most of my friends and family forgive/overlook/sort of understand that. It's like I was given a reason to be mad. And now? Now, there is a guy at work that feeds directly off the church party line: "God loves you," "There's only one way to heaven," etc. I'm not sure I appreciate it. My path back to the church is not paved and there is no car. It's going to come at it's own time in it's own way. That's all I have to say about that.