Silent Man's Control

I've been trying really hard lately to de-stress my life. Knowing that the boys agree that I'm a little "intense." C mentioning that I haven't always been that way. It got me thinking.

A comment my very first boyfriend made has stuck with me for a few years. It was an awkward, but fun relationship when I was 15 and he was 17. I still don't know what he meant by it. He told me that if I was his daughter, he'd never let me date. I'm even more confused now and at the time I was offended and probably hit him. I hit him a lot. It was a way to be physical without actually being the "bad" type of physical. I broke up with him a few months later and any friendship we had deteriorated into this hostile silent period. I later thought that it was something akin to psychological abuse, but he reiterated that the silence was merely the way he dealt with something that hurt that badly. In our next year of school we had at least 4 of our 8 classes together and he ignored me. When he wasn't doing that, we made the area around us very uncomfortable for our friends. The second thing I didn't quite understand was for our version of prom that year (Banquet) he was the one that gave me my gift (seniors gave funny presents to the juniors and vice versa). A straitjacket. Not a real one, but that was the intention. So, was I out of control then? I was embarrassed because I thought it reflected on how I conducted myself and we all know that image in high school is everything. It was also another barb from him.

I'm left wondering if I had the tendency before all of this to be so single minded and sole purposed. Driven, perhaps? What was I saying to AM this weekend? Misguided dedication? I've reined in so much selfish and destructive behavior, but maybe I've only redirected the feelings behind it into other outlets. I've always been the girl with buttons and if you push them, stand back for your own personal safety. I run my mouth and sacrifice my body for issues and causes that are important to me. I want to change your attitude and your complete way of thinking.

Maybe what I'm getting at is that all of the rituals and routines that made me feel like I was doing something, helping everything along, were harder to give up than I thought. I sat on the edge of the bed last night and stared at the folder that holds all previous documentation. It'd be good to write it all down again, but then I'd revert to my obsessive compulsions and those were not helpful or healthy. So I left it there, untouched. One of these days, I'll put it away along with the Intro to Crack Cocaine book (alternatively known as TCOYF). It's not taunting me yet, or my do-nothing de-stressing dreams, but I am being given the occasional glassy stare of abandonment. Because I am better off this way, right? Less out-of-control? Less intense and obsessed? Perhaps healthier? Whatever, we each do what we can to help our own situations. That's possibly all we can ask of ourselves. And not to take those pills - you can always ask yourself to not take the blue ones.