Today We're Reading into Everything

In reverse order. I have the most vivid dreams in the world between asleep and awake when I'm dozing after the alarm has gone off a few times. Sometimes I wake myself up and remember what was so graphic and horrible and sometimes these dreams come back and sneak into my mind in the middle of the day. A few times, they've been so real that they reappear as a lost memory and I have to convince myself that whatever it was didn't really happen. They are, as a whole, so very random that I can't read into them too much because there is no sense to be made. I enjoyed the one where I had girl/boy twins that I called Clarity and Pacer. Life was hectic in that dream. This morning's dream was of a girl's face, not unlike my own, and she was looking in a mirror (I guess I was behind her eyes, but she wasn't me). She was using her index finger to wipe the "sleep" (normal people call it eye goobers) out of the corners of her eyes, when the gunk from her right eye kept coming out. When she thought she had gotten it all, there appeared to be a bit of black there and she reached for it. It was a skinny worm or a tiny snake that began to crawl out of the corner of her eye, down her cheek, and out towards the mirror. From where I was watching, totally creeped out, I wanted to grab the snake/worm thing and yank it out so it was gone, but I couldn't do anything through the girl. She was just watching, but I could feel it sliding through the corner and then the weight in her (my?) cheek. The dream ended abruptly. Probably because I was waking myself up by scratching my face. I even told C about it before he left - he said eww.

In analyzation, the dream, at least towards the end, had something to do with me feeling powerless and not in control of something. Big prize to whoever correctly guesses what. And I agree with that - it doesn't surprise me at all that I would have dreams where I am not in control and fighting that. But c'mon, a black worm slithering out of the corner of an eye? What is that supposed to represent? And if you're leaning towards super creepy, I totally agree with you.

Working our way backwards, I feel the need to address something (don't I always). I would have let it go, but something similar was said twice. I felt less water-off-a-duck's-back when it happened the second time. Maybe I just don't know how to take a compliment or what to think. Miss N said (very privately in the kitchen) that she was proud of me or that I was brave for attending little E's first birthday. My first thought was, why wouldn't I? and then I remembered the conversation we'd just had in the living room that revolved around the, so when are you guys going to have kids? question and the appropriateness of it being asked at all. Which meant that it was asked of us - probably for the first time (I genuinely believe that we've been lucky in that arena with a bubble shield placed around us to protect from the awfulness that is disguised as sincerity). My mouth fell open (a rarity, I assure you) and I just stared at C to answer. No idea what I would have said had I been alone, but I can guarantee some awkward silence. He just said that we were trying. I may have discreetly added that it wasn't going so hot. Meanwhile, AM was adamantly arguing that it is highly inappropriate to ask someone when they are planning to have children. I, of course, agreed for the very reason of the discomfort it had caused just prior.

But why wouldn't I attend two of my better friends's child's first birthday? The fact that they had a baby has nothing to do with me not having a baby. He is a beautiful delight and he's made both of his parents into better versions of themselves. He's started to recognize me (or please let me think that, AM) and smile. I love spending time with him and AM. Hanging out with little E reinforces C and my dedication to making this baby thing happen for us, because at its very least, it means a cousin of sorts for little E. We know that the scene we saw at the birthday party is what we want to achieve. As for the other comment utilizing the word strong (as much as I am thankful that perhaps I don't come across pitiful and whiny), I was surprised by that one last night. My reply was that I am not strong, but I am genetically stubborn and stubbornness can carry people through quite a lot. Including whatever it is that we're going through now.