Going On

I'm a big fan of George Strait. He is probably one of the commonalities that cemented my friendship with T when we were thirteen. I believe T always referred to him as "King George." I love the movie Pure Country: all the one-liners, how they fall in love, that there aren't any scenes you would be ashamed to sit through with your ten-year-old. I've been listening to George Strait 50 Number Ones lately and I came upon a song that I haven't heard before called Go On. The second half speaks to me (not the cheating husband part!) :

I'm so sorry, I keep interrupting, what were you gonna say?

What else can you do but go on.
Our conversation won't change nothin', but it's sure nice to talk
With somebody who's been cut out of the same ol' cloth
You know how you said happiness can't be found lookin' back
If you don't mind, maybe we can talk a little more about that.

Go on, go on, you were sayin' this is better than sittin' at home
It's true, it's so true when they do you like that
What else can you do but go on...

Even when you see no reason to
Don't wait to live life 'cause it won't wait for you

Go on, please go on, you were sayin' what don't kill us only makes us strong
It's true, that's so true when they do you like that
What else can you do but go on.
Just go on.
Life goes on... and on.

I just like the way it sounds like a conversation between someone who is hurt and someone that truly cares. It resonates. Especially since I am still stuck in dreamland not believing that anything really happened. It's not surprising or irrational, because rationally, there isn't any proof that I was pregnant or that something bad happened. At least not until the bills come in and then there are just more bills to pay. I'm thinking that this isn't the best way to grieve, but it gets me through the days and through most of the nights. I really don't know how else to cope. Almost everyone else pretends it didn't happen, so that's what I do. I don't want them to bring it up, but I want acknowledgement that I lost something that was dearly loved. An "I'm so sorry about your loss" is a very nice and appropriate sentiment. Acting as if everything is the same is just not okay.

Everything is not the same for me. I can put it out of my mind for hours, but something happened. I was pregnant. I was going to have a baby in September. This child, baby, was loved by us, by his four grandparents, his aunt, his uncles, the godparents not-yet-chosen. It doesn't matter how briefly the presence of the baby was known, he was loved. He is loved. And everything is NOT the same. But we need to go on, what ever that means. I need to go on.